A
female
age
41-50,
*edecrem
writes:so, i have this relationship i haven't been able to get over yet for whatever reason, maybe because i haven't been able to make sense of it. maybe i'm not sure if i did the right thing. i have been so messed up by it, and i guess from my other "issues". i guess i am needing to talk about it, or get some kind of confirmation. i really loved this guy, apparently he really loved me, but he's just stupid? yet, i think he's not. i guess i'm not a good judge of people, to see people for who they are. he apparently has mental illness. but, we had a long-distance relationship, and he cheated and lied to me. he didn't tell me at first though, he just said he wanted to just be friends, to take a year off from relationships (i thought, just me). i was incredibly hurt, but decided i'd rather be friends with him, he didn't want that, but then "accepted". in Jan 2010 he told me that he got a girl pregnant, which i was incredibly hurt by. then months later he told me that he was with additional women, and i was hurt, and angry, and angry that he had lied to me those months ago that he just wanted to be friends, when really he had been with other people. he wanted to just be friends at the end of 2009, and told me he was with other people in april 2010.i told him i didn't want to speak with him any longer (finally, in june 2010), and he was somehow dumbfounded and angry. i know he has issues, but i have issues too, so i had been more accepting of his. except cheating, because cheating hurts and who wants to put up with that. he was so angry i guess that i got a silent treatment, i'm not sure that he was doing "no contact". i called, left voicemails, emailed, and no response. i figured he must have known i was hurting.he contacts me 3 months after i quit contacting him (Nov 2010), which is also coincidentally one year after he said he just wanted to be friends, with some stupid inside joke of ours, but no explanation or anything of substance. i don't reply for two months bc i'm not sure, of course i hated him. then in January 2011 (one year after he told me he got someone pregnant), he texted me saying he was, "lonely and needs someone to talk to". not i'm sorry, etc. he was suicidal before in May 2010, or, it was a bunch of b.s. to keep me involved i'm not sure (bc at that point i was mad and hurt from his cheating). i debated and finally did reply, kind of because i wanted answers. i was happy to be in contact with him again because i did miss him and had been hurting over our relationship and depressed.i was afraid to talk to him though and get sucked back into the relationship, so i only texted with him. i was also not sure about how he may have changed. i talked with him on the phone only twice, once to catch up. i didn't trust him though, and was trying to find out what was going on and who this guy was. so anyway, he was all idealistic, wanted me to sing to him, etc. i wasn't going for it. meanwhile, i was trying to find out if he was still with other people. come to find out, he was. he was lying, he was trying to avoid answering my questions directly, yet couldn't exactly lie to me (he was having sex with someone else!). he wanted both. he told me, he didn't know who he was or who he was with (i took as bs), i quit believing anything he said to me, i wouldn't believe anything from him anymore. when we first got in contact again, he wanted me to marry him, and i laughed. i just wanted to know why he cheated, and to know that he was remorseful and wanted to work on things, before i could go further. i told him i wanted to be alone, he understood, and i was angry about that, that he was so easy to allow that. i guess that's where my issues came in, and i called him a heartless jerk, and that set things off in a bad direction.i asked him why he cheated, he said because he was a dirty cheater. ok, still didn't feel very reassuring, or like he was remorseful or anything. he said he really loved me didn't i know that, and i said well then why did you cheat, explain that to me. "because i'm a dirty cheater" just wasn't a good explanation to me, and didn't seem remorseful. he said, "but i can change i swear!", which i didn't believe, after reading all the things about about cheating that i had. i thought, he should have already been changed. i told him it sounded elementary. i said something about wanting revenge (i was so angry for feeling so stupid and used and that maybe he was playing games with me), and then he completely flipped and reamed me. he was angry that i wouldn't forgive him as well, said that we were "even" and he wouldn't forgive me then for a transgression (which i guess otherwise he would have let go of??), and i thought, what right does he have to be angry that i wouldn't forgive him? (at that time, i couldn't forgive until i felt he was really sorry). ugh, it's too complicated for me to figure out.at that point when i found out he was still with someone else, i quit being nice to him.he turned things around on me, and put me down in so many ways. he called me white trash, said he knew i was since we met, used the fact that i needed a root canal and was talking about getting my tooth extracted as reason to call me a "toothless ----", used what i opened up and told him about my life against me, told me the girl he was with was 10x's better than me, intentionally trying to hurt me, "hurts doesn't it?". oh, he also called me low-class and crude, which really bothered me, that he looked down on me, just because he was about to graduate from college, and i had dropped out. he is apparently socially superior to me, uses this girl he's with for social connections. he also said if he knew i was so screwed up then he would have never have gotten involved with me, which hurt. i know i'm messed up, but he is too. he said, "i've seen the real you, and let me tell you, you are not attractive". (and he thinks cheating or the other ways he was were attractive?) so many things he said angered me, because they just weren't right (correct). i was too afraid to let him close to me again though, and put on this horrible persona. i did want to hurt him after i found out he was still with someone else though.he said he thought i was worth it, but after all that he hated me (he misunderstood something), and that i wasn't worth it......"you weren't worth it, i hate you!"which is the part that really confuses me, because if he thought i was worth it, then why did he cheat, and why was he still with someone else???why was he like that, when he wanted to be with me again? i can be rational, i know this all sounds crazy. i know alot of it was the interplay of our issues. he seemed capable of being logical or rational at times too, but he would change. how can he be so superficial and fake, then not? sensitive, then insensitive so, we just quit talking after that. i knew it was bad, so a few days went by with neither of us contacting the other. then, he had the girl contact me and tell me he was releasing me for good, and he was sorry, he loved her, not me, and that he hoped i got out of the bad situation i was in (he told her what i told him about my life, which was sort of a betrayal to me). then, she did all this crazy stuff like write me a text, then say it was from him, etc, said they have unconditional love, he was mentally ill, etc.how can he act like he was all good and normal and fine, and i'm the crazy one? i can't stand that. it took all my power to not contact him, and i've been depressed and holding everything in for months.i wasted 4 years of my life with this guy.i guess it's even more complicated than that and hard to explain.i'd like to write him, but i am just so sick of being rejected. when i wanted to talk about our problems before, he would say, "well, i think we should just figure things out on our own". to me that is a brick wall. when i tried to talk to him about my problems or what was going on in my life (vs. me helping him with his problems), he said, "well i think i'd just not have to deal with other people's problems". he also had a bad memory of the things he had done in the past. i think that's about all i can write now, and it's more clear, but not perfect.
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female
reader, sedecrem +, writes (14 September 2011):
sedecrem is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhaha. i apologize for my story causing you to be seasick, i haven't been able to think clearly. but as i write it out i can see things more clearly, and see how absurd the whole thing is. your harsh words were needed and appreciated, thank you.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 September 2011):
 Look, I read carefully the whole post, and by the end I felt sort of seasick, my head was spininning- and I am one who likes long, complex life stories !
So, let's try and simplify, and to simplify, let's start from the bottom.
" I wasted 4 years of my life with this guy ".
Yes. Precisely, exactly that.
So now please don't waste one year, or month, or week, heck do not waste one more MINUTE on this person.
You've tried all you humanly could to keep him close, to settle your differences, to get along, to communicate with him. It did not work, and 4 years is a long time - now it's time to give up and let him go .For real.
Don't write to him, it's a waste of time. He does not give a fuck about what you feel or think , he could not be clearer than that on the subject, he told you and, most importantly, he showed you by his actions. If you don't like to be rejected, then don't put yourself in the position of being rejected.
I know you want to get " closure ", but you already got your closure, by the way he's been treating you. You keep ask him why he cheated on you, but since you know him as such a big fat liar, how are you ever going to know that he told you the truth ? Anything he says could be another big fat lie, or maybe a misperception of reality due to his mental illness, and how would you know FOR SURE yes, that's the real raeson ? Ergo, " I am a dirty cheater " is as good an explanation as any other one.
Stick to that, and don't look back.
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