A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ladies: do you check up on your man? If so, how much and to what extent?I'm asking because I'm wondering what is "normal" when you are in an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship like I am. Do you check his cell phone every once in awhile? What do you think if he doesn't answer his phone late at night? Have you ever just showed up at his apartment ?I know trust is earned but isn't part of earning that trust passing these check-ups? Or am I just being crazy? (and yes I've been cheated on before and both times I caught them by checking up on them). How can I learn to trust? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers.
I should clarify that i caught this current boyfriend having an online and phone relationship with another girl (they never met) and that's what broke us up this time. He swears he's learned what he lost and he's in his "winning me back" stage. So there is reason not to trust ...completely. But I love him and want it to work out. I 90% believe he has learned his lesson but 10% doubts and that's what's prompted the occasional snooping.
A
female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (13 March 2012):
 I have never felt the need to check my boyfriend's phone. I trust him. He would be crazy to jeopardize the great relationship that we have. I wouldn't be with someone that I would have to "wonder" about... That would drive me insane! I think some girls love all the drama that's involved. Not me! lol ;)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): Trust is huge in any relationship. If someone has given you reason not to trust them, then the choice is ultimately yours to stay or to go. From experience, you really sell yourself short by staying, if they are not doing everything in their power to earn that trust back). My guy, whom I now live with (call me crazy)had at least one - one nite stand that I am aware of. I walked in on him. His excuse was he was really drunk. I decided to stick it out with him as he said he would never get that drunk again. Well, he has, on several occations. He loves to send texts. I, now being somewhat suspectful, have read some of his texts and I will tell you I could have imprinted the phone into his skull. He says he doesn't remember sending them. He has lied as to his whereabouts because he said if he had been honest, I would be angry! Duh!He has changed the code on his phone several times, typically after I have broached the subject of the proposed lunch dates with new "friends". Also, he stays in contact with a fellow of whom his wife's best friend was the gal he had the one nighter with. However, he tells his buddies, should the name come up of the guy, says he hasn't spoken to him a couple of years. So...I have reason to be a little leary. I checked his texts only hoping to find nothing. Something that would prove to me he can be trusted. Really hard to invest financially, emotionally.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 March 2012):
 I don't check up on my husband. He is a grown ass man! And I'm not his momma!
If I felt a need to snoop there would have to be a pretty good reason for me to do so, as in, he had broken trust.
I seriously think that if you feel a need to "catch" your man in something bad, you don't trust him and if you don't trust him you relationship will start to fall like a house of cards.
Just because you had two ex's who cheated doesn't mean that automatically this guy will too. You either trust him or you don't. Stop comparing him to other men and other men's misdeeds.
Sorry I think invading a partners privacy is bad, especially if they have never done anything wrong. Now if you are in a "earning back the trust" phase then you two need to sit down and lay out the rules for total access.
But as a whole, snooping do YOU more harm them good. You need to talk to your guy.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2012):
 I do not check up on my man. I have no need to. I had no need to when we lived 2 hours apart and didn’t see each other for days on end.. I don’t’ have to “check’ his cell phone as it’s available to me anytime I like just like mine is for him.
If you feel the need to check on him, then something is wrong….
“I know that trust is earned” actually it’s better off to start from a place of trust and then if they do untrustworthy things remove the trust….
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): How do you trust? Choose a trustworthy guy. A guy who has solid friendships with friends and family, one who didn't cheat on exes, follows through on his word, words match his actions, and doesn't lie to other people. If these things are lacking, then you should never trust them and hopefully you'll cut ties before you resort to destructive behavior like invading privacy and acting like a stalker.Instead of looking at it like you have to learn to trust, look at it like they have to earn your trust through consistently demonstrating their integrity towards you and others. You won't need to stalk them and it will feel wrong. This is behavior you step back and observe before you get attached, not ferrit out like a detective after you become intimate. Something tells me you commit way to early and have sex way too early with guys who come with a lot of warning bells.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This depends on if this is a case of Self Fulfilling Prophecy, in which you are so terrified of being abandoned, you become obsessive and mistrustful to the extreme, that you push your partners away and into another womans arms.
Or, you are very controlling, jealous, insecure you subconciously chose parnters that exhibit cheating tendancies and may have cheated on a partner when starting a relationship with you.
Either way, you should seek individual counselling because no one should have to live in such a way. Its such a hurtful, energy draining, joy robbing exsistance Sweetie.
Get strong, healthy, heal and you'll be better able to have joy, peace, and happiness in your life.
*hugs*
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 March 2012):
 I'm telling you this from a place of experience, the more you check up on him, the less you will trust him.
You essentially have to treat this like a phobia. In a sense you are phobic that he will cheat on you, and you think by accounting for his whereabouts 24/7, you will be able to keep control of the situation and prevent cheating. I think you do know this won't work. He has to earn your trust, but you need to allow him to do that.
Every time you snoop or check in, you are feeding your fear that he will cheat on you. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but every time you check in you make that fear worse.
It's not easy to completely stop cold turkey, but that's the only way to feel secure in your relationship. You need to set yourself reasonable goals. The first one has to be to just stop checking on his phone, period. Then you need to start cutting back on checking in. Say you like to drop by his house unexpected twice a week. Cut back to once a week, then to never.
You need to find ways to distract yourself, like a hobby or a game. For instance some people find time management games very good ways to lose track of time.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (12 March 2012):
 I have NEVER checked up on my boyfriend. Ever. In fact I have never checked up on any of my ex's either. I would be very worried if I felt like I had to check up on him, because clearly the trust has gone - and without trust your relationship is really going to struggle.
I think you have the wrong attitude that trust has to be 'earned' - I am a firm believer that you should trust a person until they do something to break that trust. Love and trust is not a test that they have to pass, you should trust them right from the start until they start making you question that trust.
Checking up on a man isnt totally unjustified at all times I guess, if he was acting odd then fair enough, check up on him. Talking to him about it would be better, but if you are a sneaky person that is unable to communicate well with a partner via talking then I guess checking up on a man is all you can do.
But think about this - if you are sneaking around behind his back checking up on him then you are breaking his trust too. How would you feel if your partner was checking up on you? I bet you wouldnt like it! Some things should remain private in a relationship, you dont have to share everything. So going behind his back meddling in his private business is not good, you are breaking his trust and showing you are an untrustworthy person.
There are behaviours you can look out for that would indicate a man (or woman) is cheating, and if you saw any of these behaviours the best thing you could do is talk rather than sneak around checking up on him. Some of these behaviours are as follows:
- Very secretive about his phone i.e. takes it to the bathroom/wherever he goes and wont let you even glance at it when he is using it.
- Often going out with 'friends' or working late
- Takes hours and hours to respond to your text messages but will respond at funny times of day
- He will be overly affectionate when he comes back home and will try to change the subject away from where he has been
There are more indicators that he may be cheating, but those are the most obvious.
I really think you need to try and keep in your mind the idea of trusting him until he does something to make you not trust him. Checking up on a partner is not normal and shouldnt happen unless you really are almost certain he is cheating.
I know it is hard because you have been cheated on in the past, but he is not your ex's and not everyone cheats - so now it is up to you to learn to control those urges to check his phone and put your own issues to one side, otherwise this relationship will fail too.
The more you dont trust him and accuse him of cheating, the more likely he will be to actually go out and do it. It is fairly common that a faithful partner who is not trusted by their partner actually ends up cheating because their partner is so convinced they have already done it the other partner thinks 'I might as well do it seen as he/she already thinks I have'. So your lack of trust may well push him to cheat, not because he ever was going to in the first place, but simply because he knows he is not trusted and cant be bothered to try and defend himself against the accusations anymore.
Be careful, keep your own urges under control and give him the benefit of the doubt. And whatever you do, NEVER turn up at his house. That is the behaviour of a stalker, not a girlfriend. If he doesnt answer his phone late at night he is likely to be asleep, not with another woman!
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): Hi. I think if you don't trust someone,they must have given you a reason not to trust them. I have been with my partner 4 years, living together for 2. He had a very close friendship with an ex when we met so i used to check up on him as he would lie about how much contact they had so he gave me reason to check up on him. She is now a very distant friend and no longer an issue but lately we have been arguing a lot as he works away during the week and we have his children over a lot when he is home so a lot of pressure on our relationship.
I was checking the web history the other day and found out his son who is only 10 years old was going onto sex sites and dating sites. when i clicked on them my partners profile would appear. i was shocked. i confronted him and of course he denied all knowledge. We met on a dating site so i know he used them in the past but they tell you when you were last logged on. im not stupid. now i do not trust him but he has given me reason not to again. I have actally left him the other day and he has now changed all his passwords cause he has been found out. i am not an insecure person even though i have been hurt before but if a man gives me reason not to trust him then yes i will snoop to find out the truth. If a man is totally honest with me from the start then i would trust him and we wouldn't have to pry would we.
...............................
|
