A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend and I have been good for the most part. We tend to get into arguments once in a while, and just got over a big one about two weeks ago. Thought we were going to be broken up after that one but we are back, although he is having a tough time trusting me. But I am trying to show him that I am someone he can trust, and really working on being a nice and happy person around him. The problem is I still let things get to me, even small things and it causes me to get upset and when I start asking him "why" or trying to talk about it he gets super pissed and completely shuts down.Today it happened again, when I asked him if i could borrow his phone to play a game he has on there that he was playing. He said no, and literally refused. This annoyed me because I over analyzed and thought to myself "Why won't he let me borrow his phone, when I would let him borrow everything of mine?" So I started asking him why, and that I didn't understand. This annoyed him off and again he completely shut down but this time, he was really over it. He finally shared his feelings with me after about 30 minutes and it really hurt me. He said he didn't feel fulfilled in the relationship, because I constantly want to argue or fight over small things. He said its not that I'm a bad person but our compatibility is just not there, and said that he although not always, there are times where he doesn't feel happy. This totally crushed me and I was literally crying and crying and crying. He hugged me and we lay in bed together. I know he loves me, but he says he doesn't trust me and it really bothers him that I want to argue over what he calls "everything"... He left and I mean we are okay, but I don't feel good about anything. I feel like I have failed as his girlfriend, and it really hurts me deep that he doesn't trust me, that he is unhappy, and does not feel fulfilled. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said nothing. I asked him how I could fulfill him and he said we would talk about it later. He didn't come over tonight, he had a lot of work to do but just finished and called me to say good night. I know he didn't really want to come over, partly cause I think he is still feeling annoyed. What can I do to make things better? I feel like I'm losing him, I love him so much, and honestly my goal in the relationship is to make him happy. What can I say? Do I just let it go at this point and attempt to not let things get to me? Or do I try having a talk with him in regards to what happened this morning? I feel completely devastated. Help :(
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2012):
 Explain to me how you asking to use his phone and him refusing ended up with HIM saying he doesn’t TRUST YOU…. To me him not letting you use his phone reeks of him keeping something from you.
He says he’s not happy. You have had several fights… how many times over the relationship have you had such bad fights that you broke up? And how long are you dating?
If you goal in the relationship is to make him happy what would you do if he came to you tonight and said “I need to be without you for a while in order to be happy.”?
If you think anything other than leave him alone…. Well then your goal is not to make him happy…. Because I’ve learned that true love means doing things for those you love that hurt yourself but further their happiness even if it means YOU are not with them and YOU are not happy. It’s a paradox that those who have not loved purely don’t get.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): Hi, i have gone out with a guy like this, to be honest i thin most men are like this, and they dont understand that women are different. you said he feels like he is unhappy sometimes, let him feel like that. if he does leave and meets someone else, he will have the exacat same issues, i dont think men realise this. sometimes they want to be with a girl who acts and thinks like a man!! that is impossible. Try telling him this, you could also try going to councelling if he would go, but most men would not want to i imagine. i feel for you cause this is really hurtful, and they genuinly dont see that they can be hurftul. I would have been so hurt by that issue with the phone.
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