A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We talked on the phone on and off for 2 years and abit more before we met in person. Been seeing eachother for a few months so far at times. We established we only wanted friendship before we met. It was a FWB relationship and I wanted it to remain this way. Now we haven't done really anything more than hanging out lately when we meet. We also always say we are just friends nothing more but he gave me a promise ring he claims to be a friendship ring recently. Then he brings females around I guess to see if I'm jealous. I don't know. I'm sort of confused on what he wants or even if he knows himself. I'm scared to be more because I don't want to risk the hurt. He has children from two different woman and one stays out of state. The other is here and I guess he started to mess with her again and she's been stalking him lately. He chances time with me while he knows she's out looking for him. I just don't know what he wants from me. He knows I always will be there to help him in anyway. He even came to my house and hung out with my mom sister and me. The things he says to me and his actions tell me he wants more than what we are. I just don't know if I'm being dillusional though. I just know his whole ordeal he has at hand with being homeless and babymama drama and drugs and his mother being on drugs is stressful enough. What is the truth to all this???
View related questions:
drugs, jealous, stalking Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to a guy friend of mine finally and you're all right in a way but he made it all clear to me. He just doesn't know how to really express what he actually wants with words because in reality all guys are afraid of rejection. I believe in my heart that I just was trying to just get the reassurrance of what I already knew. I know he likes me we established this and I know he has feelings as I do. I'm just scared as I told him and don't want to risk the hurt. My past and my ex is what got me messed up and he knows. He cares as I do as we told one another its just I know he takes things slow and doesn't have nothing to offer me which is more of why he wants just a friend at the moment. We kind of are on the same page with where we want this to go. Its just his actions are different from what he says. I just know how to go about it all now. Thanks for all the feedback. I feel much better...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): You see the thing is OP he's still there and still trying it on you know? He does still think he can get you to sleep with him. I mean you've made it clear you're not going to be with him in that way and instead of doing what's necessary to have you properly he backs off instead emotionally. That says to me he's not interested in a relationship with you and just wants sex and a buddy.
Next time he tries it on when you hang out or talks about how great it was when you were sleeping together, remind him that as a friend he shouldn't be bringing up sex or trying to gently convince you into fooling around. Tell him a friend wouldn't put that on you and he should not try that anymore. Tell him if he keeps trying to get you to fool around that you will have to take a big step back because a friend wouldn't pressure you for sex and talking about it, is pressure OP, it's just subtle.
I think it's very clear from his behaviour what he wants. He has made no concerted effort to actually be with you, he talks about how "great" your friendship used to be when you were fooling around and you know exactly what that is right? OP the best way to understand what us guys want is to judge our actions not what we say, he says he's "not trippin'" yet why does he keep trying it on when you told him what you did? You need to make it clear to him that you're not some tool who will be easily persuaded in that way and you've had enough of him trying it on. He's either a friend who will respect your feelings or he's just a guy wants to stick it in you, tell him you're starting to think he's only thinking with his dick when it comes to you and it doesn't matter what he says you won't believe that's not true until he stops trying to be intimate. That's it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat confuses me most is we stopped all the fwb 3 months ago. He still keeps in contact with me. Smh. He calls to talk at times and then he barely got used to the idea of me helping him because I got him to. I just felt like he needed a helping hand and I offered since I had it and could. Now he kind of got used to it and although when we hang out he hints he wants to be intimate or tries to. I don't respond back as he would want me to. I just keep it at a friendly level but he still brings our past of how we began up. Events we shared awhile ago and then when it all comes down he says he just needs a friend. I told him I can't mess with more than one guy and he tells me he's not trippin. Its just not how I am. I can't sleep w/more
than one person at a time. Asks me if I'm confused and then if I want to give up my jersey.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJanniepeg- Thank you for the advice! Its helped me see things more clearly and I intend to leave him alone soon. I already stopped the sex part months ago and lately he's been asking when we do hang out and I refuse with all that's been going on. I knew it was about to be the time to just give up and know I did my part on being there for him.
Cerberus- Thank you also for the advice from a guys view and I feel you are on point too. I stopped the sex part with him months ago though so no worries. He's asked recently when we have hung out a few times but with the drama I just refuse. I just don't understand if I don't give it to him anymore why does he bother to contact me still? He just tells me he needs a friend and I'm one of his loyal friends he doesn't want to lose. I really think he is being truthful on that part in the end. Many that he once trusted have recently turned on him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): No one can say OP, we don't know whether he sees you as an easy lay and meal ticket or whether he has real feelings for you and I'm afraid there's no real way of knowing except your gut.
The truth is your gut is telling you to have doubts otherwise you wouldn't be here asking us, because the truth is OP there is too much about this guy to doubt in the practical sense. Janniepeg is right because you have absolutely no concrete proof of anything especially seeing as the guy is such a massive risk and unknown quantity.
He has two kids by two different women and while I'm not judging him for that, he's now homeless too and I'm finding it hard to see how a homeless man is able to support those two kids, he's also back fooling around with his ex and then says she's stalking him which doesn't sound right at all. OP the guy doesn't seem to know his own mind nor have any sense of responsibility at all. He's playing games with you hugely like you're a toy. Gives you a ring then changes its meaning when it suits him, says his ex is stalking him yet he's the one who initiated this stuff, is a grown man yet is homeless now, keeps going back to his apparently crazy ex and he does drugs too?
What do your mom and sister say about all this? Do they know him well, and know you and he are sleeping with other and that you want more from him? If not what do you think they would advise?
The only thing I can advise you OP is to be careful here, you can't rely on the emotions of a guy who is so flaky and irresponsible. A guy who can't even keep a roof over his head and is just completely failing at life at the moment. I don't know whether you think you can be his saviour or not but the fact is you can't and he is in no position to even attempt a more serious relationship right now with all that's going on in his life. So regardless of how he feels, adding you to a list of people he now has to completely consider as part of his life and stress and worry about being a boyfriend too is not in any way going to help him. So I don't see how a relationship is feasible right now. I could be wrong of course but take great care here OP, as nice as he may seem and as strong as your emotions are for him you need to protect yourself from adding yourself to this massive mess he calls a life as a partner.
Put this idea to the back of your mind, let it go for now and let him sort his life out but there is one sure fire way to know whether he will be with you or not and that is to cut off all the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff you already do, the sex, the cuddles and intimacy because quite frankly he has all the benefits of having you as a girlfriend already but gets to sleep with other women too. Not exactly a huge incentive for him to commit when he gets to have his cake and eat it from a girl who will give it without asking anything in return.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 July 2012):
 Of course he wants more, he just can't offer you anything valuable in return. He should be fixing his financial situation, not deal with drugs. I would stay away from him. If you ever got married to him, you will be partially responsible for his other kids, and his mom too. The thing he wants most, right now, is a home. He is not afraid to say all kinds of things to lure you in, to provide the basics for him. The whole thing about not calling you official girlfriend is that this is a disclaimer, if he runs off before you notice his game plan then you can't call him out on that, because he never really promised a real relationship. You help him out on your own discretion and you can't expect a reciprocation from him. A friendship ring, I am afraid, is not enough for me to want anything from him. It's very juvenile, and no substance.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angel S  +, writes (19 July 2012):
 Hi,
This sounds like a guy that wants to have his cake and eat it. Basically friends with benefits never ends well and there is always some hurt involved. You obviously care about this person even just as a friend because you have posted this question.
Personally, I would quit with the 'fwb' and remain just friends if you still want to remain in contact with him but cancel out everything else, like you said it really does only end up with someone hurt. He hasn't learn't the respect of being exclusive with just one girl, so he really isn't worth your time. Remains friends if you wish but try to cut the benefits if things arn't working.
Xo xo
...............................
|
