A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What is she feeling about our friendship? I have a problem with a really sweet girl at work. She's been working there for a while and we've known each other in the work place. Earlier this year we started to get on really well. She then offered to join me as my dance partner as I was thinking of taking up ballroom and latin. She was having problems with her boyfriend of two years and they split the weekend before our first dance lesson. In anycase over the next two months we had a great time and we also went out for meals, shopping, playing video games and other random crap. We also had the same interests and hates. I guess we were both really flirty and had a really good undersatnding - as she put it later a "connection". One night we went out for a meal, then ended up in the arcade and then we got to hold each other in a really intimate hold. After having a great time we got back to my car and I gave her a kiss. She then pulled away and said how it was still too soon after her splitting with her bf. I said I understood and let it go. For the two weeks after that she seemed to be avoiding me and seemed really unhappy whenever she was around me. Then came the point when we were due for a dance lesson and she sent a message to say she felt really unwell with stomach pains and that if they didn't improve I should find another dance partner in future. I responded with a candid question - Are you avoiding me? Then it all came out. She said she felt uncomfortable around me and that I was intrusive and at times would ask in appropriate things. She also said I made her edgy. I did say sorry and that I didn't realise how I was behaving. I did ask her what were the specific things that I had done so that I would know to stop doing them but she never told me - and still hasn't. In the end she asked that we go back to the way things were - as just two people in opposite offices. I was hurt and pretty shocked at her suggestion. We did get on really well and had such an excellent rapport (her words not mine). We didn't speak to each other until after a week. Then we bumped into each other and it was awkward. the day after I did email here to say "Hey yesterday was really awkward could we talk at some point today to work things out?". We spoke later that night and I explained how I felt, including how I enjoyed her company and would like to be her boyfriend. She then said she suspected I was developing feelings for her but she didn't want get into arealtionship - never was sure if t was just me or that it was too soon, but I had a feeling it was me. So I said ok, well it seems like we're not going to be bf/gf. I asked if would be ok to be friends and she agreed. We then left on good note. Well in any case, I feel I'm not attracted to her any more but I still would like a friendship to develop, but she keeps avoiding me? This week we were suppose to go to lunch - instead she just wanted to pop out to cafe, grab some sandwiches and head back to her office straight way. She didn't reply to an email I sent. And roday she hasn't replied to a message I sent asking if she wanted to watch a film. I guess I don't know what's up with her. She said she felt really close to me, but doesn't want a relationship, but didn't want to be firends either, but then she later she said she would like to be friends, now she is avoiding me? Everytime I'm around her now she seems unhappy. Is she still mad at me or something? Is she only being polite to be friends - but doesn't she want anything to do with me? Can I make up for whatever I've done wrong? Should I just let go and find new mates? Never been in this situation before and I'm not sure what to do.
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male
reader, forgonepath  +, writes (13 May 2007):
First of all, you haven't done anything wrong. So you don't have to "make up" for anything. It is possible that she really liked you as a friend and now that she knows you like her, she's upset that she's possibly lost a good friend. Or she might be unhappy around you because she realizes that she's hurting you by not liking you back. But any move that you make right now, even if you do it as a friend, will be percieved by her as something you're doing to get with her. That's just human psychology; she's not going to immediately forget that you like her and asked her out. So what you need to do here is give her and yourself some time. Be distant. Don't send her e-mails or messages asking her to movies or other things that friends do. Keep it "just business" for a while. Make small talk. Also a good thing to do if you're really over her is to tell her about some girl that you meet and how you like her etc. This will make her realize that you're moving on and she won't feel awkward around you anymore. This is definitely something that time can fix. So just wait and things will fall into place. Good luck!
A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (12 May 2007):
 Okay first thing you need to do is get yourself into a position where you're totally over her and want to be her friend and nothing else, even if she offered you everything on a platter. Then you need to get her to meet you, even if only five minutes and tell her that this is getting stupid, that you're not in love with her anymore but that you miss her friendship and the fun you used to have so much and would like to be friends again. Maybe this will work and maybe it won't but I think it's you4r best shot.
CD
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