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anonymous
writes:What drives a person to have a romantic relationship with someone who is married?I pose this big question because I want to raise my daughter so that she is not predisposed to cheapen herself through an affair with someone who is married.On the one hand I desire a better understanding about the psychology of those who have had an affair. On the other hand I seek nuggets of advice that will reinforce a nurturing relationship with my daughter.Thanks in advance for your perspectives!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo all who have posted responses: I will deliberate over your words and, with your permission, contact you directly via PM to continue the conversation.
Thanks again to all who have taken the time to respond!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2007): Very, very well said, dear. Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Irish49; conscience is part of the inner voice. So too is a moral compass. These two "inputs" inform the inner voice. But too many people confuse guilt with conscience, and guilt can drown out the inner voice.
I think the inner voice is analogous to the gut feeling. An inner voice that is informed by morality (i.e. the recognition of right and wrong) will always guide one to the correct course of action. But those who get into trouble usually ignore this inner voice.
I hope this makes my thoughts clearer...
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2007): If you mean that the 'inner voice' is the same thing as having a conscience, then yes...it makes wonderful sense. Here is a link to a really good website that talks about teaching a child about to having a moral conscience. I'm not sure if that's what you meant, but it's worth taking a look at.
http://www.parentingbookmark.com/pages/ArticleAL06.htm
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to Irish49 and anon for your posts!
I suspect that most who settle for a relationship with a married someone they will never have 100% do not understand why they did or are settling. As you said Irish49, there is an endless stream of excuses, justifications, and rationalizations coming from these people. It's infuriating, and I've seen it with unfortunate regularity on this forum.
I know people from my past who have been involved with married men and I know people who have shot down cold the advances of a married man. As I have gotten older I have become more jaded about morality, but the one thing that still sets me off is hearing from a friend that a married man is making moves on her. I usually launch into a diatribe about sloppy seconds, self esteem, and what it means to have a relationship with a married man.
My wife and I impress upon our daughter the concept of the "inner voice" by living it ourselves. We don't do things that run counter to that inner voice. I think that one way to insure against a relationship with a married man is to develop in our daughter an inner voice that knows right from wrong. Then all she has to do is listen to that voice while ignoring all the other noise (like hormones).
Does the inner voice concept make sense? If yes, then how, besides teaching by example, can I persuade my daughter to see the value in this concept?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2007): I wish I could say that getting involved with a married man was something that I had never done..it is a case of I almost did but when push came to shove...I did not go through with it because I figured that all that infatuation and passion would fade fast and I would be the one crying into my pillow while the married person goes home to their spouse..so I agree with Irish 49 that it was a good core of self esteem and empathy( for the wife)that saw me through this. I also think as a woman that the double standard is alive and well and the single person...paticularly a woman is given the lions share of the blame here...it happens all the time...people do not come down nearly as hard on a single guy with a married woman. Teach your daughter that a relationship is nice to have but not essential..she can travel, pursue further education and not all the world is her oyster..paticularly when the feelings of others are on the line. Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2007): What an amazingly great question and what an astute, responsible Dad you are! I, myself have never had an affair either, but I have spoken with people who did. One thing I learned from them. is that there is no real reason why people engage in affairs. If you ever ask a person who has done this...all you will hear is excuses.
So, if you want to teach your daughter never to have an affair with a married man...start with values because, simply put, for one to resist their inner drive to be self-indulgent (cheating with a married man), she must have a value system that enables her to judge bad behaviours vs good behaviours--with emphasis on the value of courage. Courage is what makes one's values come alive inside them. Teach her to be a strong, confident woman. If she's ever put into a tempting situation, let her know even if selfish needs come to the forefront of her mind, that her values are not optional. You don't drop them just to get the 'goodies' right now. Also teach her the value of a good, happy marriage, through example, if you are married yourself. I have always thought that people who cheat with married folks lack values and are in effect, very lonely, sad people and added to that..they have absolutely no respect or understanding for the deep meaningfulness of marriage, nor do they have compassion and the strength of character to disallow themselves to to get involved in a married person's life. I am a strong believer in choice, and as long as one lives..they have the ability to be responsible, use self control and use their conscience. Being a mistress is mostly just a 'sexual' relationship. Women who have affairs with married men seem to not understand that marriage is much more than just a sexual relationship. People are not necessarily, always happy in their marriages but it is a challenge, good times and bad...but it's those challenges that makes the connections of marriage run deeper into our souls, then just love, and for many married folks, that is fully understood and much, much more important. It's family, and through all the worst of times..happiness through marriage and family is a journey. Having an affair is just short term pleasure. Pleasure is self-involved. Happiness is other-involved. Teach her the difference.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for jumping in cd206. Not ever being in an affair in no way diminishes the quality of your response.
I certainly want to teach my girl that she never has to settle for sloppy seconds in anything, especially when it comes to relationships.
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reader, cd206  +, writes (12 May 2007):
 Okay, so I've never had an affair but I thought I would give you an opinion anyway which is that people who cheat with married men do so for two reasons that can exist together but only just. One is that they think they are so special that they deserve to get their own way and that they deserve to be happier than the wife with whose husband they cheat. The other reason is that they don't value themselves enough to be in a relationship that has a real future but still want to prove theyre desirable in a safe way where they'll never have to face up to the consequences of a real relationship.
I guess the way that I would instill the right values in your daughter is to make sure she knows she's special but also is taught good values about the importance and sanctity of marriage and how she is special enough to find a man that she doesn't have to share with anyone.
That's my point of view anyhow.
CD
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