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*nknown2u
writes:I have kids. In particular, I have daughters. And in particular I have a daughter who is 19. She took a year off after high school and travelled the world. Now she's back home and is trying her hand at university.OK, so she's "of age", so if she chooses to have sex, well, that her choice. And I don't have a problem with that --- I'd expect her to be doing it.But-- I don't want to be confronted with her having sex. I don't want to be confronted with anyone having sex, unmarried, in my home.Are there any parents who are thinking about this? My wife is saying she has no problem. I have a problem, big time. I don't want it going on in my home. But at the same time I expect it to be going on.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 Prohibiting your daughter from having sex in your home is not condemning her to something worse.
Most of us were not allowed either and that just meant we had it less often. Neither I, nor anyone I knew wound up in a seedy motel (we went to decent ones), the woods, dark alleys or any other dangerous place. We had a modicum of common sense.
Something else to consider is while your daughter may enjoy sex, she probably doesn't want it as often as her boyfriend does. Your home is the one place she won't be badgered by any guy...not with her father a few feet away. When a guy visits her there, it's because he actually enjoys her company, not because he's hoping for some action.
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male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (5 October 2012):
unknown2u is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not so much that sex holds stigmaI've gotten much better about that over the years. She's legally adult, and I accept that that's a part of her life. But I suppose from my upbringing that I expect sex to not be in my face. Married people may share a bedroom; once the door is closed, they may go to sleep, or they may do something else, but hey, they're married, so whatever. If they've been married as long as I have, it's most likely sleep. When I was a teenager, sleep took a decidedly second place, and I doubt that things have changed much in 30 years. So in her bedroom -- it's sort of by definition in my face, and I find that uncomfortable.For what it's worth, we have a basement that lets them have a measure of privacy. They could be watching TV for all I know. If it's something else, and if my daughter is consenting, fine. If she doesn't consent, if he presses, and she protests, I can intervene and protect her. Otherwise I leave them alone. So I'm not condeming her to a seedy motel or the back seat of a car. Is that, from their perspective, perfect? Hardly. It wasn't for me either when I was a teenager. If she wants perfect she can establish her own residence and then do as she pleases.
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female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I think its wise to just talk it out with your wife and daughter about what you want/don't want to see/hear - but to expect her to be anywhere but the house is a bit much.
If she can't have sex in your house, where else can she go? A seedy motel/hotel? The woods? Some dark parking lot at 2am??? Those places aren't really safe and are an inconvenience. I would much rather know my offspring were being sensible as well as safe.
I don't get why sex still holds so much stigma, as if it's shameful. Most adults do it. It's a part of being in a relationship.
But, it is your home, so you can decide what happens in the future.
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male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (3 October 2012):
unknown2u is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, everyone, for your thoughts. Yes, it's my house / my rules. I posted the question not because I was considering giving in, but more because I recognize I'm being inconsistent. A healthy sex life is important, and I want my adult offspring to be happy and healthy. But -- I think sex is a very private thing, and as someone pointed out, we generally prefer not to think about our parents' sex lives. For a lot of parents it goes the other way too.
As for my wife, it's not that she's advocating for the girls to be able to host sleepovers. It's more that she questioned our knee-jerk rejection of the idea. And her conclusion is that while she doesn't want to be confronted in her jammies walking out of her bedroom by some guy, she otherwise doesn't care. Since it bothers me, she's fine with the prohibition.
As for "what sort of man asks this question" -- a man who is trying to be a decent father. I question my parenting all the time to make sure I can make sense of what I'm doing. I parent differently, and I hope better, than I did 10 years ago because I've tried to learn on the job.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): Im going to quote what I wad told. When you sign your first lease you can do whatever you want. Until that time, you do what I say in my house! You said no sex then no sex! So you and your wife need to be on the same page. I personally agree with you. I could NEVER have sex in my parents house UNMARRIED! No matter how old I am! Best of luck l!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2012):
 Well when I lived at my parents home after age 18 I still could not have my boyfriend sleep in my bed with permission. My mothers comment was priceless:
“I’m going to bed now, I don’t care what goes on when I’m asleep but when I wake up everybody better be in their own beds”
I was not paying rent so I had no choice but to abide by her rules.
Normally it’s a “your home, your rules” issue. Are you saying they can’t have SEX ever in YOUR home (btw is it your wife’s home also or just yours?)…. Because if you make the “NO UNMARRIED SEX in my home EVER” your daughter is going to be having sex in a seedy motel where she might get hurt… or worse in a car parked in a dark place to save money (where she might get arrested)….
So is the issue that you do not want it thrown in your face (i.e. you don’t want to hear it or hear them showering together or see them walk in to the breakfast table all sleepy eyed and holding hands in their matching jammies)…. Or you don’t want her having sex IN YOUR HOME ever?
What all the lovely men responding seem to be ignoring is that IT’S MOM’S HOUSE TOO AND SHE’S OK WITH IT…
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): I'm 29 and my husband 38. We just married 2 weeks ago. Uptill our marriage 2 weeks ago, we would sleep in separate bedrooms at his parents house. It was out of respect for them and their home. They did not set this rule, but thats how we felt. It is your home. Simply state no. End of story.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (3 October 2012):
Coming of age comes with responsibilities and as long as your 19 year old daughter is living in your home and especially if she is being supported by you then you have every right to decline this request.
While some parents have a more 'relaxed' and 'modern' approach I suspect the majority share your views. I know I do.
Having sex in your own home whenever you like is one of the perks of owning (or renting) your own home, which is what adults do. When your daughter is doing that she too will enjoy that particular perk, along with many others. Until then...
There is more to being an adult than just turning 19. And it is in very, very poor taste, in my opinion, for her and her boyfriend to use your home as a motel.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 October 2012):
 It's getting less common but still pretty common I think to have your daughter and her boyfriend sleep separately when they visit, though if they are living together but not married it would be a little strange. Even my boyfriend's catholic grandparents let us share a room since we live together.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): Are you kidding? What kind of a MAN asks such questions? I'm not married myself & don't have kids. But I DO have parents whom I RESPECT. You are the Father. As long as your daughter is under your roof she has the obligation of respecting the family nest. PERIOD. If she chooses to have sex that's up to her. But she must not show contempt of your authority as her father by treating your home as a cheap motel. You are the man of the house. As long as your daughters are single and living under your roof, they are obliged to live by the rules of YOUR house, until they themselves get married. Then they'll have their own house where they can have sex with their husbands till daybreak if they want to.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 October 2012):
 This submittal begs for a reminder of the only detail which is germaine to the discussion: It's YOUR house, and she (daughter) lives in it, so YOU make the rules.
IF she doesn't like it, she can take another address....
P.S. Wifey needs to support you.....
Good luck....
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 If you have a problem big time with this type of things and you don't want it going on in your house- then don't let it go on, don't accept it and don't condone it.
It's your house too. You have to feel comfortable with what goes on in it.
It's the same as you'd say " I don't want a dog in my house " or " I don't want smokers in my house ". What would your wife do, shrug her shoulders , ignore you, and run out to buy herself a Dobermann and a carton of Marlboro ?...
The problem is , that with dogs or smoke, you 'd have , or could find, a rational motivation to your prohibition, like , dogs are noisy and you don't want your naps to be disturbed, or passive smoke give you asthma and headache.
While you know that your no sex policy is irrational, sort of a knee jerk reaction.. You know that young women have sex and ( hopefully ) you find it healthy and normal.
The good news is that, it does not have to be rational:) Some things are just too close for comfort, and it's acceptable , I think, that people don't want to be confronted too directly with the intimate sphere of their children , even if rationally they know the kids are not doing anything wrong, weird or illegal.
It works both ways,btw - once my mom let it slip that, in her opinion, when two people are married anything goes , in fact being experimental is good for a marriage... and, while in theory, I fully agree, in practice the vivid mental imagery of what those two might have been up to in all those years of marriage... was enough to put me of my food or a couple of days , LOL.
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