A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey all! I just got broken up with after a year plus relationship. The reasons given where that I am too demanding and most of all I am too needy. Not things a girl wants to hear but I am starting to think that maybe there is some truth in the statements as this is not the first relationship that has ended due to my having been called needy. I have started evaluating my past relationships and maybe I am in denial but I cant pin point what exactly about me is needy. My question is what exactly is needy behaviour that turns men off and make them run for the hills? Thanks for reading. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses, they really hit home with me, especially Caring Guy, I must know you in person because you decribed me perfectly lol.
Funny development is that said boyfriend came back and wanted to try again with me. I actually turned down the proposal because I realise now that I have alot of baggage that I have been carrying around and I need to work at it.
I have figured out that the neediness is manifesting itself from the enormous trust and self esteem issues I have that have been pent up from a previous relationship that hurt me to my core as well as coming from a home where I have witnessed my mother cry constantly due to my fathers affairs. All that has made me not trust anyone or feel as though I am good enough. This all led me to be jealous, throwing accusations left and right, need constant reasurrance, need constant attention and affection and need him by my side all the time.
This realisation has hit me like a ton of bricks, I dont know where to start to even deal with my issues but at least admiting it is the first step.
Thanks again! I really appreciate it!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): It depends on the guy but caring guy listed the general ones.
High maintenance is another way of saying needy. Needs and demands too much of your time and too much effort to keep her happy.
I find that girls that are needy tend to be very insecure about something or in general and need constant reassurance. They take the little things and turn them into big issues. Very often they see you as the only good thing in their life, and demand that you feel the same way, if you don't then they make your life hell and you have constantly reassure them of your commitment. They're so scared of losing you that they smother you.
For example one of my ex's had this knack for taking everything little thing as a sign that I was going to leave her. So she'd call me a lot, if I didn't answer I knew I'd had to face her questions of why I didn't answer. Why didn't I answer quick enough. If I just happened to be in a bad mood for general reasons, she'd always put it on herself and ask me what she did etc. Constant pressure.
Basically needy people invest far too much emotionally and timewise into the relationship, so much so that it can be a burden on their partner. You simply can't relax with a needy person, you have to constantly be aware of upsetting them, you have to work so hard to make sure you don't do/say the wrong thing because there's too many things they will deem as wrong.
Needy people don't know how to spread about their emotional needs among their friends and family etc. They put it all into their relationship, they have this idealized view of how things should go and if even the slightest thing happens that doesn't fit into that idealized view it upsets them.
It's very important for people to have their own lives outside of a relationship, fulfilling lives. Women that aren't needy are the ones that don't need a man in their lives. They're just as happy on their own as they are in a relationship this makes them secure in a relationship because they're not as afraid of it ending. I found this to be the main difference between the needy girls and the regular ones I've ones I've dated.
If you're the kind of person that in a few months will be dying to get a man, will be totally unhappy that you don't have one or will get into another relationship as soon as you can then, you're needy and need to consider what makes you feel this way. Perhaps you feel something is missing in your life, that only a guy can fill. Perhaps you just think it is wrong to be single etc.
The only way I know of fixing that is exactly what Caring Guy said. Find completion within you before your next relationship. Insecurities? work on them. Learn to live without guys, build a single life for yourself that brings you contentment, one that you bring in to your next relationship and not sacrifice it once you do.
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A
female
reader, dijoyful  +, writes (23 September 2010):
 Hi, i agree with 'caring guy' Being needy is exactly what it says, Needing from your man instead of letting him give. Beleive me i was needy for years and didn't realise what i was doing. It can show itself in differant extremes, to continuously wanting to be with your man foresaking everyone else in your life, needing constant reassurance, even when his tells you what you want to hear its not enough and you need to hear it time and time again, over texting, calling etc. Men like to do the running, but we get scared that they want fullfill our needs, or they will let us down (which sometimes they do) so we feel we have to take charge and force the relationship. Its hard to sit back and wait for your fellow to come to you but thats what you need to do, make a life that revolves around you, not him it will make you all the more desirable and attractive. This is the hardest lesson ive ever had to learn and it still comes hard but the results are worth it. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 September 2010):
 Well its kind of hard to solve your problem when you arent sure yourself where in the relationship you are needy, most of the time when men say needy they feel smothered, could it have been possible that maybe you wanted to spend every minute with your partner, maybe you never let your partner go out as often with his friends than he would have liked to. Maybe you were very clingy and you never realised that you were pushing him away. Maybe ask your ex for a few examples of when you were needy so you can work on this for your next relationship. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 September 2010):
Jealousy, too many questions, too much crying, too many phone calls, arguments, accusations. The list is just totally endless. It really is. So instead of looking for signs of needy behaviour, ask yourself if you're happy in your work, happy in your life, lonely, having fun, if you have hobbies etc. If you're unhappy, then you may be showing signs of neediness. If you're lonely, same thing. And if you don't have hobbies that keep you occupied, same thing. Basically, do you have a life outside boyfriends, or do you make them your world?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): Well, I've been in a relationship for about a year, and my girl is starting to pressure me for marriage and children a little too much lately. She's needy with sex and affection, but I am too. However, she is a little more needy than me. I'm not running for th ehills, but I am a bit concerned that we are not as compatible than we once thought.
I think what goes through guys heads in this situation is a combination of worry that they will not be able to satisfy you, frustration over HAVING to satisfy you when they might not be ready, and having their freedom tampered with. Guys value their freedom and the ability to please women on THEIR terms. Not saying it's right, but that's how many guys are.
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