A
female
age
51-59,
*omad101
writes:i am in a bit of a dilema. I thought everything was going how it was supposed to and then my ex contacts me. we have been in the middle of a divorce for 8 mths. he asks how i am doin and hows work. i reply short but sweet good and more or less good. then he talks about hes glad to hear that and it ashame we didn't talk like this sooner. how we can get along now and have fun (joking around) and we couldn't before. then he pops a well, u can come over and we can have sex. no strings attached, i have alot going on right now and busy. i dont want any attach either. so we hook up...best sex we had in yrs. so he txt me all the time and asks how my day is, talks about having sex again, tells me i seem like a new person, repeats im so glad we r talking and its been nice joking around and having fun, the sex is awesome..well we hook up again...same thing. well, he doesn't want attach, cool, i really dont want attach. but, always the but...i feel like part of me is sinking into thinking about him like i once did. i want to know what his agenda is, he doesn't do things without an agenda...we say its our secret. we were together for 12 yrs, married 9. we've had alot of problems. i just want to know what a man really is saying when he says these things. when we have sex its for hours and then he wants to cuddle and then we talk for another hour til i decide its time to scoot out the door. i don't like not knowing, but i don't want to come out and ask. HELP
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): I see two issues going here. The first one is the no strings attached sex and going back to the familiar.Your ex is simply using you for sex until he finds someone else. I honestly believe that he isn't seeing anyone at this time, but his libido isn't dead. I believe that he called you because it is easier to get it from you than to pursue a new person. I know how that sounds, but its the truth. I believe that you also suffered from the same thing. Its really hard to get back out there after a divorce. I walked down that road myself after my divorce. Unlike you, when I was contacted, I told him to find the deepest hole he can find and jump in it! Don't ever contact me again! I don't know if children is involved in your situation, if there are none, don't talk to this man at all. If you do, keep the conversations about the kids only and hang up. He's put you through enough already. Please don't get sucked back in.Next issue is that the both of you are going back to familiar territory. As I stated earlier, its easier to go back to previous relationships because you know what that situation is. It's harder to chart unfamiliar ground because you are dealing with different. It's also scary and unpredictable. If you believed that this marriage could have been saved, you wouldn't be in divorce proceedings. You left for a reason and that's how that should remain. Don't settle for just having sex with your ex instead of living your life for you. Endings are difficult especially when the two of you were together for so long. I know that you don't want to get hurt again by you ex. Give yourself time to heal, have fun. Start being that confident, self-assertive, take life by the horns woman that is screaming to get out. Best of luck and I wish you well
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 October 2009):
I'll tell you the truth. He wants you for sex and nothing else. If he really wanted to save the relationship, he'd offer to talk and certainly offer you more than sex. He's using you. That's it.
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