A
female
age
41-50,
*ornshellz
writes:when my husband and i started out, i was ok with watching porn as a couple and i let him know that. porn wasn't a problem for me until our sex life turned downhill and i found the underside of our bed peppered with porn! now porn is an issue bc now it hurts me for obvious reasons. and he knows that. so he tries to hide them carefully because if i come across them i toss them! yes, we have more sex than we were then. but here's the problem, for the most part, the only time i know he uses them now is when we are fighting so badly that i am in inconsolable tears. is it me or is it completely insane and heartless that he can watch and enjoy porn when things between us are so bad? usually when he's done something such as relapsing with alcohol or being cold, aggresive, insensitive and insulting.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 October 2009):
You need to be calm, totally unaggressive (even if he gets aggressive, stay calm, no matter how angry you get). Be sure of your words, point out good points to him, the nbad points and continue to alternate between them. but one way another, he has to be told. And of he won't listen, perhaps he's not as good as you think (no offence there, but don't allow yourself to be second best EVER!)
A
female
reader, tornshellz +, writes (26 October 2009):
tornshellz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhow can i be direct with out coming across as challenging. my husband gets very defensive,and although he considers himself direct, he lacks an understanding of the difference between aggresive and direct.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 October 2009):
There is only one way to talk to a man, and that is directly. So sit him down and tell him how you feel, exactly, and in simple terms. Also explain why, and listen to him. Ask him why he acts this way.
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A
female
reader, tornshellz +, writes (26 October 2009):
tornshellz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe can be insensitive at times, but i wouldn,t jump to divorce just yet. he is a great step father to my children, he does the majority of the cooking, when times are good we are the couple that most women envy; laughing, holding hands, oblivious to the world because only he and i exist. he doesn't look at other women when we're out. and when we make love not just sex, but really make love, (which is probably about 4 out 6-10 times each week) i know and he shows me that i am the only woman he wants, physically& spiritualy.
i just dont know how to explain to him how much it hurts me, and furthermore how to get him to care and do something about it, rather than argue.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 October 2009):
He sounds quite bad to be honest. Men use porn because it's an easy visual aid. but to hide it all over the place, then be insulting and aggressive, that's just not the act of a good husband. Think very carefully about whether you want to be in this marriage. Perhaps you should talk to him and tell him straight (men don't do hints, you need to be celar), that unless he actually shows you some love and respect, you'll have to leave and find someone who does love you. I think you'll get your answer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): I think that is extremely heartless. A man like that clearly has no rfespect or love for you, just what you have. I'd get a divorce ASAP. You may also want to check your marriage anullment laws in the US to see if your marriage is even legal and can be ended for free!
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