A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:The last two relationships I was in were with two very different types of people. One was with a guy who flirted with me from the day we met, and who I was strongly attracted to. Once we broke the ice we couldn't keep our hands off each other. The second was a friend who I fell for slowly. I always felt more of a companionable love for him than a strong sexual attraction. He was simply the person I most wanted to spend time with, and I loved being with him. Sex kind of came second. I dated these two men about 3 years apart.I occasionally had to spend a few weeks away from each of them for my job, and the first guy had a knack for turning me on just by using a certain voice with me over the phone or skype. We still had a sex life while I was away, orchestrated by him, which I loved. And I would be itching to get back to him when the time was up. I never had any kind of phone or skype sex with the second guy - it felt too awkward. He was too wholesome somehow, if he tried anything flirty it felt a bit silly. I liked having someone else take control, and he couldn't do that. I always looked forward to getting back to him too, but for his company and cuddling rather than because I was desperate for sex with him. Our sex life was basically on hold every time I was gone, and that was fine, just different.These relationships were both fun to be in, and I loved my time with both guys. The relationships lasted 10 months and just over a year, so they were similar. Now I feel like I can weigh up these two types of relationships and ask: which type of partner is best to pursue in future? The sexy exciting sweet-talkers or the stable wholesome cuddly guys? I loved them both for different reasons, and would date guys similar to either of them again. But I'm starting to think long-term, so I'd like to hear opinions: what works best in the long-term? Will wild sexual attraction drop? Does the wholesome type get boring? I'm assuming a sexy exciting relationship can become more stable and grounded over time as your needs change (e.g. if you have kids or other responsibilities), but can a companionable relationship ever go the other way and become more sexually charged? Ideally I'd love to experience it all, but if that's not possible, what type is most sensible to go for?
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (5 February 2019):
 Its best to have both. If you only have sexual attraction then what happens if the person gets seriously hurt or very ill and their appearance changes and you no longer find them attractive? People obviously change over time but if you have a bond with them and truly care for them love/caring can get you through some really bad times BUT if you have have feelings and NO attraction its really just a friend, right?
Find someone that ticks ALL the boxes. Not just one. Yes it is possible. There are people that have been together for years and are still in love and still attracted to one another. Don't settle for less.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2019): Simply answering: "What is more important for a long term relationship: sexual attraction or companionship?" I'd say both for the majority of the relationship, but companionship is what gets you through the rough times and end of life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2019):
 I'm with Anonymous 123,
I'd say both. And yes, you CAN get both in a partner. I say compatibility is the key. People might think that opposite attracts... for some, yes but it also might not last because at someone the things that are "opposite" are no longer as attractive as they were initially.
So finding a partner with whom you have common ground, attraction and a sense of fit. Doesn't mean you have to AGREE on everything, but if one is deeply religious and the other is not it can be hard to make it work later on, when things such as marriage and kids pop up. Or from 2 VERY different cultural backgrounds. However, liking the same band is not enough either :)
You get the drift, I think.
The whole POINT of dating is to find someone that you feel you mesh with to an extend that you can see yourself WITH that person long term. You can't say OK unless he check ALL these marks, he won't do. Because people are people, not cars.
And setting out to FIND this matching bookend for you, might be a lot harder if you ONLY look for XYZ. As you might not know what you REALLY mesh with and what you don't. No ahead of time.
And, like I said, people are people. So someone might look EXACTLY like the "things" you want in a partner "on paper" but in reality he isn't.
And lastly, people aren't grouped into "categories" we aren't books. Where you can just pick one or another "type" to "try out". EACH person you meet is an individual. Just like YOU are. So thinking men only come in X amount of varieties is unrealistic.
Just GO forth, MEET new people and if at some point a guy CLICK for you and you for him, SEE where it takes you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 February 2019):
 I have to say, for a long term partner you need both. You need someone who turns you on AND stimulates you mentally on a more friendship/kindred level. If it's just one or the other, then that's your reason for why it didn't last more than 10 months or a year. For the long haul, I think you need someone with both attribbutes.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 February 2019):
 But why does it have to be one of the other? Why not both?
I've been married for a little over 3 years now and we have a two year old. Of course things change, raising a child has its own set of challenges etc but still, we make time for ourselves. The sex waned after the birth of our baby and frankly I was in no mood for it either but now that things are easier with the baby growing up and we're more comfortable with things, I think the sex... When we have time for it...is better than it ever was. The best thing is that I can talk to my husband about anything, he's as you say stable and wholesome, a devoted father and a loving husband.
So yes, why not both? Why not companionship for always and mind blowing sex for you're in the mood?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2019): We date to determine what suits our needs best; and we try to find the best match for durability. It's got to stand-up to wear and tear.
Everyone you meet will offer you something different; and may satisfy several, or a particular need. When you fall in-love, it's more than what you get out of it. It's what you feel you want to give in return. They'll stir something inside you that makes you want more of them; and you'll seem oddly satisfied and joyful when in their presence.
You're young and you're still sorting things out. When the right person comes along, it just seems right. You feel that they give you what you want and what you need effortlessly. It's just the right connection on many levels.
How do I know? Having one relationship that lasted 28 years and it didn't end until cancer took him away from me. The present one is now in progress; making year six by April this year.
He's a totally different person from the first. We work together to meet each others needs and desires; and we listen to each other. We understand each other on many different levels. We can satisfy each others emotional and physical needs; because we're right for each other. It's not always about me, I want to please him too. He makes me want to be good to him. He's really good to me. So all of the above and then some!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 February 2019):
 Considering we spend more time out of bed than in it, I'd say companionship.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (2 February 2019):
 Seek someone where you can have both. Of course second is more ideal because they last longer, are built over time, and there is trust. But sexual attraction is very important as well. No sex and a relationship is basically friendship. The right guy will give a mixture of safety, trust yet fun and enough sexual energy to keep things going.
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