A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Ill try be brief, i have been with my boyfriend for over 10 years, im only 26 .i love him his my soul mate and best friend and i would die for him and never want any harm to come to him and we laugh so much together. His so sweet and kind and treats me like a princess and is always hugging me and kissing me and telling me how sweet I am and cute and pretty his so attentive and is best friends with my brother and family. Thing is i dont think we have ever had a sexual connection, he blames it on my weight, meeting me at 16 10 years later im much bigger now. Maybe it is my fault, i always think well maybe if i lose weight as i do remember when i went to gym it did pick up or maybe when we move in have our own place it will get better or maybe if he didnt smoke so much weed it will get better...but reality is im sure if i look back it has always been more of a cute fluffy realtionship rather than passion. However i think at least i have unconditional love and a best friend thats more important. Im not just saying it i love him so much and he has never been bad to me ever!!! i will never find someone else like him his my love of my life.However, Recently i was tempted by someone i know and who tried it on with me and i really wanted to, it took so much for me to say no. I saw him him again and when saw him with other girls i got jealous and thought this isnt right i have a boyfriend of my own why am i jealous?I know its probably the forbidden fruit im attracted to and having perhaos good sex as there seems to be a spark and then i may realise the grass is not greener and i could lose the love of my life for what????. But im scared i have have only been with one person since the age of 16 and im scared i will wake up one day when im older and have missed out on natures natural thing good sex. If we do have sex which is rarely, again he blames on weight or my parents being in but its not passionate i feel sometimes im forcing him as he wont touch me its so mechanical. BUT i know i will never leave him cos i could never hurt him but i want to know why i am thinking of that other guy who i know very well his a friend and feel attracted to all of a sudden......i know sex is not a reason to leave someone but i also feel so guilty for having these thoughts which he other guy knows that i wanted to do something...i feel anxious and guilty for having these thoughts and worried about being as controlled next time i see him
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best friend, jealous, kissing, lose weight, soulmate, spark Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your answers they were frank but i think deep down i agreed with everything you said.Thank you.. Its like yeah i could lose weight (im not massive reader im a size 16, chubby but average) but what if still the spark not there, i swear when i was a size 12 this happened or was an issue. I think the weed and his depression doesnt help him. But apart from the sex thing we are like best friends. I dont want to hurt him and we are planning to move in together soon. But i keep thinking of this other guy (well his a friend i have know since school)and not sure if its cos i like him or because he paid me attention, told me how gorgeous i was and how he wanted to sleep with me, i never wanted to do it so much in my life. But im scared of either regretting losing my best friend for a shag. Or catching a disease oh im so confused. BUt i know this guy i will see alot as his in the group of people i drink with and im worried its only a matter fo time. Maybe i should stop thinking about the other guy and view the relationship without that in the equation
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Its not your weight. He uses it as an excuse, but really, if you are the love of his life, the weight shouldn't be a problem. Also, how big are you really? It's natural to gain weight during your teens, or at least after your teens, because its part of growing up. Have you gotten even bigger than what is within "normal"? Like, obese? If not, then he really is just using you weight as an excuse for something a but more underlying. I say this because bodies change over time, and when you commit to someone, you also realize that their bodies will change, and for most of the time it isn't a problem. As an example, after being pregnant the woman's body will not look the same, but that doesn't mean the mothers of this world aren't having great sex! When you really love someone, the body changes will not be a huge effect!
I think it could be he is getting uninterested in you, taking you for granted, and is using your weight as an excuse. Like you said, you think that if you only did this or that, then things would change. And you know as well as I that yeah, things could change, but it wouldn't change the deep underlying problems of a relationship. So what if you loose weight and look like a 16-year old again? There is no guarantee he will be more into sex then. And so what if you loose weight, when you get older you can gain it again, and then he will loose interest again?
Im not telling you to leave him. You two sound great, but you've hit a bump in this relationship and it is not moving forwards. He has to learn to accept you for who you are not let let things like that interfere with the sex-life. Sex is important to keep the relationship alive, and he needs to prioritize it. Weight or no weight. If he's outright disgusted with you then it's about time to find someone who truly values your body as well.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 February 2010):
You need to read what you've written carefully, and really think as well. From an outside point of view, this guy isn't the one for you. He smokes weed, which would explain the lack of sexual connection, and blames your weight and parents. This isn't just about sex, this is about him blaming you for things. The truth is, he's not the 'one'. I know you think he is, but he's just not. A guy who loves you makes effort, he doesn't' sit there smoking weed and blaming you. I think you're kidding yourself a bit. You're a lovely girl, but you're esteem doesn't sound all that great, and it seems to me like you're settling for second best. What happens when you want kids and he either doesn't deliver, or worse decides to continue blaming you and leave? Please don't sit there in a dead relationship. You'll suddenly reach 40 and realize you've wasted so much time on a guy who doesn't sound like he really cares for you. You're more like a comfort blanket than a girlfriend. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you can have a great, cute fluffy relationship with a guy who also wants you sexually. You don't have to settle for one without the other.
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