A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had a flirting/emotional relationship with a committee colleague and his wife found out several months ago. She snooped on his phone and found some incriminating texts he hadn't deleted and he told her it was just a game between us. She rang me and texted me wanting to know details and saying she was going to contact my husband who knew nothing about it.I told her to deal with her husband and I would deal with mine.I also insinuated it wasn't the first time he'd done that sort of thing as I knew about rumours relating to him and a woman who worked in my job before me.I had asked him about this rumour and he told me they did not have an affair but I wanted to rub salt in her wound as she'd confronted me.Her husband cut off all contact with me at that point but I live in constant fear of her contacting my husband. She implied she would do this one day when she had nothing more to lose.Obviously I have not told my husband anything I don't want him to know but incase she does get in contact I did mention there was a paranoid wife who accused her husband of having an affair with me just because we were friends due to working together. I mentioned that we sent each other friendly texts when we needed to contact each other re committee meetings etc.I sense that his wife is still holding the grudge as I get silent phone calls at work and sometimes at home.I have also seen a woman fitting her description hanging about outside my place of work on occasions.Do you think that after all this time I am safe to relax and get on with my life and marriage?
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male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (2 February 2010):
"I hate when people judge others for adultery--especially if they do not know the circumstances"
Hate it all you want. Fact is, she lied, and caused irrevocable harm to the marriage, mind, and heart of an innocent woman. If it gets back to her husband, there's another who has been deeply hurt by her selfish and thoughtless greed for attention and gratification.
If there's something amiss in her marriage, she has herself to blame as much as her husband. It takes two to make problems, and two to solve them. If she were to go to her husband and tell him her honest problems, and her need for his help, and he were still unwilling to help and be the husband she needed, she could always have left.
I don't care WHAT the circumstances are. There is no excuse for this behavior. It is spiteful, hurtful, dishonest, mean, selfish, cruel, and worthy of nothing but loathing. If she really needed emotional gratification, that's what her husband is for. If she can't broing herself to communicate her need to him, and/or he cannot bring himself to fulfill that need, then there is legal separation and divorce. This back alley lying, sneaking, slimy nastiness does nothing for her in the long run, and hurts her and everyone around her.
If she truly loves her husband, then she OWES it to him to let him know EXACTLY who she is. What kind of woman he is trusting his heart to. She OWES him the truth about her character. She OWES him the chance to make up his own mind if she is the type of woman he can truly love and trust.
If she loves him. Love by necessity requires respect. If yu do not respect someone, you cannot love them. Sure, you can feel affection, and attachment to them, but love is deeper than these things.
Respect and love demand that you deal honestly and openly. To do otherwise is to express your lack of value for the opinion and feeling of the other. She doesn't care what her husband really thinks, because as long as she is manipulating the information available to him, she can direct and control what he thinks. That is not love, it is possession. Incomplete, but possession nonetheless.
Don't tell me that "I don't know the circumstances" because, frankly, the circumstances are irrelevant. If her marriage were crap, she could have left honestly. If not, then she had no buisiness running around with someone else!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): I hate when people judge others for adultery--especially if they do not know the circumstances. I think if you love your husband, he doesn't need to know about the affair..you can move on and get over your mistake. We are all human, sometimes me fall into the trap of another man--especially if something was lacking in your marriage. You covered your tracks well so even if his wife does contact you, you should be in the clear. If you are over the affair and still love your hubby..just move forward. What is done is done-- no reason to add fuel to the fire
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Your actions have consequences. You have been playing a very very evil and dangerous game and I am hoping it will blow up in your face because of your deceit. You can fool your hb for only so long soon when the sh1t hits the fan how do you explain away your affair to hubby. Don,t mess with this mans wife. You have caused her untold misery and you see your affair as a joke when it is destroying livesz. You are so much youbger than this other man, he Loves his wife so plse butt out and try to stop messing around with married men. Let's unscramble this cryptic affair , doesn' take a brain to figure out the mess you have made. You are playing a dangerous game and playing with innocent lives. Stop your games Now!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 February 2010):
This is a major wake up call. The first thing you need to do is tell your husband that your marriage needs a kick. You seem to have covered your tracks, so at this time I don't see the need to make it worse by telling your husband. I don't like lies, but this is something that can be fixed without your husband having to know what happened. So look at your marriage, and get to work on it. Then, even if it does come out, you and your husband will be in a stronger place.
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (1 February 2010):
HELL NO!
You're a disloyal bitch, and if she contacts your husband don't you dare lie to him about it!
What you did was dangerous, wrong, and hurtful. You hurt this other woman in ways that you don't even begin to comprehend, and won't until it is too late.
So what if the two of you didn't actually have sex? So freaking what? You had an emotional affair with someone other than your husband, and worse off, he was married too!
If you needed an emotional affair, why the hell not have one WITH your husband!?
Frankly, you deserve for her to tell your man, for him to believe it, and for him to kick your cheating ass out of his life!
If you don't want EXACTLY that to happen, then you need to start paying penance right bloody now. Starting with coming clean to him yourself. At least then you can control the timing, tone, and pace of the message. Apologise profusely, mean it, and NEVER let anything like this happen again.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (1 February 2010):
 Not if it's only been a few months. But more than likely if she was going to do something, she would've already. She's probably waiting to see if you and her husband have indeed stopped contacting each other and if she finds any more texts or suspects he's seeing you, she'll make her move. As long as you have stopped seeing him, it will eventually die down. Sounds like you've covered your tracks with your spouse already. I hope you learned more than just that. Emotional affairs are just as damaging as sexual ones. If you love your husband, do not allow yourself to get swept away by someone else. If you find yourself drawn to other men, you really need to analyze where your heart really is. Lots of women are living in dead-end marriages that even they don't want to admit to.
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