A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:17 years ago, when I was 17, I fell in "love" with a guy that I worked with. I know it was an immature, obsessed kind of love that only a 17 year old could feel. He was Mr. Popular, with a string of girls following him; I was a gawky, nerdy teenager, so needless to say he didn't notice me like that. However, being a generally good, if not sexually obsessed, kind of guy, and four years older than me, he kind of took me under his wing, treating me like a big brother. We would do things together in a group after work, he would give me rides home, stuff like that. I didn't know at the time whether he knew I liked him more than a friend (and I still don't know if he knew). Within a year, I stopped working at that particular place and we sort of drifted apart. Before we faded away completely, I asked him to meet me and we got together one last time. We did have sex, although it was unfulfilling on both our parts I think; he was my first, and obviously I wasn’t very good I’m afraid. Living in the same small town, however, I have continued to see him from time to time over the last 17 years, and we've always been friendly, although my infatuation with him faded away.Last year, our paths crossed online, and we started talking again (very little). A few months into our casual friendship, he dropped a bomb on me when he told me he had been thinking of me for the last few months. Truthfully, I hadn’t been thinking of him that way and I wasn’t looking for anything to develop out of our new friendship. After thinking about it, I couldn’t help confiding in him that I used to be in love with him, and that he was my first. We went back and forth for a few weeks, and finally I made the decision (it was my own) that I would like to meet him again. So, we began to meet for a few minutes at a time, once or twice a week in his car. At first we just talked, but then of course things progressed to a kiss, then on to making out… until the next obvious step was for me to go to his apartment. I’ve been going over there once every week or two for the last six months, and I only stay about an hour. He works at least 60 hours a week in a hot, labor intensive job and is frequently tired. We have a beer, share a cigarette and talk about what’s been going on in our respective lives. He vents to me quite often, or tells me a story about something that’s been bugging him. Sometimes we have sex, although it’s only about half the time. I know he finds me attractive; he told me early on that he had begun having trouble staying erect with woman he had sex with during the previous two years (younger girls) but he has never had a problem with me. Sex just doesn’t seem to be a huge thing for him anymore, but he still invites me over. I guess sometimes I’m confused about what we’re doing. I honestly thought for a while that he just wanted sex, but I’ve discovered that I don’t believe that anymore. I mean, he talks to me. He shows me old pictures of himself, confides in me about conversations that he has had with the boss he hates, offers to do favors for me. Sometimes he treats me like just a friend, and sometimes he treats me like more than a friend. Part of his problem may be that he’s like one of those macho men; for instance, he’s never told me he loves me, and when I’ve ever said “I missed you”, he says something like “I missed you a little” or something stupid like that, but at the same time, if I’ve ever made a comment to him like, “You don’t act like you really care if I’m over here or not”, he’ll say “I care” or “I told you I wanted to see you tonight”. Bottom line is, I am fine with this arrangement. I have fallen in love with this guy again, but I’m willing to take it as it is this time. I don’t need him to need me in any particular way… just knowing that he needs me a little makes me happy. As far as sex, I am satisfying a craving that I have and I am in no way dissatisfied with this “friends with benefits” status. I guess I’m just looking for any feedback from guys (and girls) on why he is in this relationship. Is he in it for the friendship, conversation, nostalgia? What? And do you see anything wrong with this? I’ve begun to value his friendship above anything else we have and would hate to do anything to hurt it.
View related questions:
immature, notice me Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): thanks to both of you...I appreciate the advice.
you're right, I am worth more than this! :)
A
female
reader, shapoopsy +, writes (3 September 2010):
 a better question might be, "what are YOU getting from this?" examine your sexual history with this person and you may find there are more satisfying alternatives. you're still young and likely more lovely than you know. you deserve to be transported to heaven!
i am under the impression that he's not experiencing deep feelings. trust me, that's not something you can live with. go love you! ~shapoopsy
...............................
A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 Sounds like he has time for you but probably not as much as you would like. He sounds like life hasnt been good to him and he's lost his sparkle for it. Maybe a little more down the line he will want more and make y ou feel a bit better about the situation. Some men can be so laid back with relationships they need a bit of a nudge. There will come a point in your life where you will demand more as you go along because your feelings are growing and you won't be able to hold back. You will then find out whether he really wants that or not. Good luck Hope this helps
...............................
|
