A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I would like if you all could just give me some advice.Next month will make it 16yrs of marriage.My husband is a good provider and I know that he cares for me but I am not sure that he is inlove with me.We have 2 kids by the way. one 14 and 11.He does not spend anytime with me. He uses most of his spare time to play sports and do favors for people but not interested in suprising me by taking me somewhere local. I been suffering sliently for months with loniless and when I would tell him, he would say that he doesn't know what to do and just go to play sports. If and when I try to talk to him he doesn't wnat to talk. Then I get mad and try to talk to him but not in a nice way. What I mean is I will try to talk to him about it and we would always end up in an arument because I would start it,only becaue he does not talk. I feel so alone and unloved.Also, when we are at home watching tv, we would just sit there and not talk for hour. Maybe a word here and there but not a conversation. Same for long trips i.e when we use to take long trips.What is happening here ? I am scared of being on my own. I do not work and i have a bit of feet problems and I cannot work right now. I may need surgery on both feet.So I am scared. Sorry if I did not make much sense to you but I am really upset tonight and I cannot think clearly.
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male
reader, ShouldKnowBetter  +, writes (23 March 2008):
I think that you are talking about the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.16 years is a long time and it sounds as if there are other pressures are there if you are unwell, unable to work etc. It is very easy to fall into a rut or routine that becomes boring over time... how can you find something new to say to someone when you have been with them for 10hrs+ every day for the last 16 years?A marriage counselor may well be a good route to take but you also need to look for both ways to add fun and spice into your relationship again plus also shared interests again. I dont know what sports they play but can you play with them or at least go along and support them plus then have drinks with them after? Not saying to go to every one as people need time away from their partners even in their non-work time.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 Your husband love you in his own way.
Otherwise , he would have left you if he does not love you.
After so many years , your life has become routine and he has taken you for granted.
You could spice up your life.
If you want change, you will have to change first.
Get involved with what he is doing.
That way , you have something to talk about.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): It sounds like you two have a major communication problem. I would suggest a marriage councilor. He needs to understand how you feel.
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A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 Honestly, what I think is he still loves you, you've just gotten to a point in your marriage where things seems to have taken a stand still. You are not the first woman to go through this and you surely won't be the last.
I can't tell you the last time I heard my parents tell each other that they loved one another. They have been married for 25 years. They don't leave the house much and haven't been on a vacation in probably 15 years. This point in your life is most likely normal, as I've seen it happen with almost all my friend's parents, too.
You have two options here, the first being to just talk to him and find out what's really going on in his head. It's most likely not as bad as you think, you're just letting fear get the best of you and you're psyching yourself out. When fear grips you, you always tend to think the worst things possible.
The second option is to go to a marriage councilor. Always make sure it's a male councilor you go to because your husband will feel ganged up on if it's another woman, but if it's a man, your husband will be a little more willing to open up. The marriage councilor has heard it all before, so don't be ashamed of admitting your problems to him.
Hope everything gets better, and don't be so hard on yourself.
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