A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I love him. He says he loves me too. I want him. He says he wants me too. But we have sex only once or twice a week. He rarely initiates it and rarely has an orgasm. He says if we have sex more often it will degrade it. He says that my talking about it turns him off. In the past, he used to use video cams a lot and says he stopped it but he never deleted paltalk from his computer. He says he does not really use it. And when I started using Paltalk out of desperatiion he thought of it as "cute" and gave me a credit card to pay for it. He thinks it will be good for me (not sure what he refers to). He loves people to think that we are great together and all is well. He says that he is happy and the only problem is my talking about not getting enough sex. I tell him that I like to be touched, kissed, and told I am loved every day. He says:"Listen to yourself. You are not being realistic." He went away on a business trip for a week. I tried to initiate phone sex/ paltalk sex to which he said:"I am tired." He got home and actually initiated sex but he did not kiss me on the mouth. I complained about it and he said it's never enough for me. He says:"I don't appreciate the progress he's been making". He referred to having sex twice vs like we used to once a week. And he pointed out that now he initiates more often. Although, I feel like he only does it because I nag about it. He says that I cannot move on and look at all the progress. But I feel hurt after being rejected so frequently. He also does not seem to go down on me(although, he says there is nothing wrong with me and he likes how I smell, etc.) Basically, he refuses to point any problem he may have that may prevent him from wanting it more often. I feel like I am the one damaging our relationship because I want sex and because I don't get it and just don't get it period. I need an explanation to what is going on??? I love sex with him when we have it. We are compatable in bed physically just not emotionally.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (1 November 2007):
 Hey,
Haven't gone on this site in a while, sorry for abandoning you here. I actually don't have any bad experience that would make me say what I said, but I do recognize I am young, and didn't really take into account the marriage aspect as seriously as i should have...I just don't see what you're getting out of the relationship if he's bashing you for trying to show affection, and I have problems with that! I'm not a man, but...I don't know how many guys actually have 'squirting fetishes' i think it's just considered a bonus, but men can chime in here. I would also....I think it's a terrible idea to restrict his masturbation quota, especially because it WAS once a week, which is already extremely low; that's just going to foster resentment. I think he needs some counseling, maybe he has some depression issues, performance issues w/o the alcohol.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear anonymous male reader, what are you doing on this site reading unhappy tales if you are not married?! Promise me not to marry her!!! Or your life will turn to hell. I know it's a bit strong but at least you got the point.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): once or twice a week... wow you are lucky im looking at once or twice a month if im lucky with my girlfriend and we aren't even married yet. I shudder to think of what our sex life is going to be like if we get married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLittle update: I asked him what he did with those porn DVDs. He said he sent them back right away because that caused too much stress. Also, he said he canceled the subscription because "he was not using it that much and it was expansive". I know his answers are not very logical but I guess I am giving him a way out, a chance to grow... . I also suggested to masturbate less and he said maybe he was already doing it.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (16 October 2007):
Men with ED can still be interested in porn. They just imagine they are one of the actors. I think a sex therapist could find the reason for his fixation on pee films. I think he is out of control and needs professional help. Stand by him and see that he gets the help he needs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear fishdish, leaving him is one of the solutions that ran through my head. I appreciate your point of view greatly but would like to know is there anything in your past that make you suggest so? I am not ready to leave him as I have not excausted all of my options. I wish I new how many are left...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): ur problem isin't strange and ur not abnormal and ur not alone in wht ur experiencing...did u read dat now repeat that to urself...i went thru da same until i discovered a new problem da diff was jus instead of squirting it was anal anal and more anal dat i discovered not jus normal ones but brutal ones!!! and would u believe my man is totally a devout and religious person. anyways ....i believe da problem with ur relationship isin't sex , thr has to be something more to it. i am speaking from experience. maybe he isin't happy with something u did maybe in da past ,something related to his past. people who generally have drinking problems haven't had very happy childhoods.o sometimes it could be he is venting some anger related to something in his past on u. try to get in touch with someone who can give him therapy...da only thing u have to do is convince him to attend therapy. some people punish thier partners for things others have done to them. they become objects to vent thier anger on and maybe he feels withholding sex is da perfect punishment . u sound like a very expressive and loving person...just talk to him and bear in mind dat he may not be as expressive as ur and initially will try to resist all ur attempts to get him to heal imself of any past wounds(if any)...if he truly loves u, show him how he is hurting u and trry to obseve him and get him to talk. sex is a very important part of ay healthy relationship and a man who tells u all dat he saez is talking absolute crap....do let me know if u have noticed any patterns to his behaviour...tc and don't stray..
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies. It does help to get a different opinion.
Here are a few more details about him and us. Maybe somebody reading it can make more sense out of it. I just need an explanation to come to terms with what has happened. If I know why and what is happening, I would not what to do and not to do. Right now I am stuck, we are stuck.
When I've met him about two years ago he was drinking beer and vodka like a Russian guy. He is a big guy so I never suspected he had a dependency. When he tried to quit drinking a few times and failed, I realized we had a problem. About 9 months ago he quit altogether.
I would not say that that is exactly when our problems began (they began before he quit altogether) but about that time we went from everyday hot sex with lots of affection to once a month.
A few weeks ago I lifted his laptop and found two porn DVDs under it. I assume he hid them. He denies it. The thing is I never suspected that he was ordering porn from Netflex and watching it without me. The fact that he is watching it is OK, I would gladly watch it with him, but considering the fact that he almost made me believe that he is not into sex and then seeing porn was shocking. I have no idea what he did with those DVDs but we never watched them together and he said they were not worth looking at and he did not really watch them, and sugested we watch another DVD (more female friendly i figured). By the way, he claims he is not into any weird stuff, neither am I. Even when he was drinking we never did anything too kinky. Another by they way, he is very good in bed and keeps dropping names of women he slept with (sounds like a lot). And he was in love deeply with a married woman he used to squirt. It's his sexual fantasy till this day. He tried to train me at first but failed because I am not as quick as she was. And one of the DVD's he hid was on squirting. ARE WE DEALING HIS WITH HIS UNREALISED SEXUAL FANTASY? Did I just struck gold as I was talking to you?!
On another occasion a week ago, I turned on his computer and noticed a freshly reinstalled paltalk live cam program on it. Although, he claimed that it probably had expired and he was not using it anyway. I don't know what for people use paltalk... So I am still wondering. He says he has not had a sex talk with any of the females since more than a year ago when we addressed the issue. The question remains why would a computer geek (he is) reinstall a program he does not use? and then make it appear as if he forgot about it?!
He says he masturbates about once a week. And claims that he has a normal sex drive as opposed to above or below normal.
Last spring, we went to Las Vegas, the city of sin, and had sex only once and he was not the one initiating it.
It seems that nothing turns him on!
Please solve this riddle!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (16 October 2007):
Seriously, I would probably leave him. I know that sounds harsh, and that sex isn't EVERYTHING, but it is a big part of a relationship, as it is the physical manifestation of the emotional connection you two have. his grudging reluctance and disgust with your perfectly normal sex drive is both a sign that he doesn't feel the same way you about the relationship and that he doesn't care about you as much, as he thinks it fine to make you into some sex craving mutant. i don't think he shows you the respect or love you deserve.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (15 October 2007):
I get the idea he has always been this way? Some men have a low sex drive, but it does not mean they don't love in their own way. Medications, even some over the counter can lower sex drive. Ask him to see a doctor.
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