A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my wife for almost 21 years and there are many things about her that endear her to me. However, of late I am finding it harder and harder to remain with her. That's not because of what she or has not done in some sense, but because my expectations are rising and she is not rising to meet them.I am in my 40's now and my career has done fairly well for us so far. It allows my wife to stay at home, which she has mostly done. She has had a career, but nothing she is proud of and she has not worked in almost 7 years. We do not have any children so she is allowed to have her days to herself and yet I do 90% of the chores. She does her own laundry (mostly) and she cooks for us. Sometimes she will clean house or work in the garden, but not consistently. For a few years now I am growing to resent her. I pay for a maid, because she is a bad housekeeper. I pay for a gardener, because she says gardening is hard work, although she putters about. The house is still a disaster. She takes her clean clothes out of the dryer and tosses them on the bed. She brings the mail in and tosses it into a giant pile, most of which is addressed to her because - even though she doesn't get much - she nevers opens hers whereas I open mine every day. To be blunt, she is not contributing her fair share. She is a few classes short of her undergrad degree, but she won't finish it as she thinks it is pointless even as we pay her student loans. She says she is depressed and she drinks too much. I find myself not spending as much time at my job as I need to. I am very good at what I do, so my job is not in jeopardy, but I could be doing much more. I was in grad school, but it was too hard to do that as well as maintain the household. I am drowning under her weight. I made the mistake of saying she was a burden to me and now she won't sleep with me either, so pretty soon I will have to contract out for that as well. So what is the point of having a partnership where only one partner contributes? I do enjoy her company, but I am crushed under the weight of our obligations. I don't just mean financial, but just the little things that need doing - the weeds that need pulling or the light bulb that needs changing. I find myself thinking of running far away from this situation. I realize I didn't marry my wife to be a maid, a gardnener, a chef, and a concubine. On the other hand... can a wife perform none of these roles if it means stress to me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): Your wife says she is depressed. Do you believe her or do you think it is an excuse for laziness and utter lack of responsibility? Either she really is depressed and needs medication, or she is manipulative and has got a free ride successfully set up in the form of you.I suspect she is depressed because not not only does she not accomplish anything but she sounds like she is not happy either. She isn't out parrying or having fun while you're toiling away at work and in the house. Rather she is there but just not going anything. People often drink a lot as a way to self medicate their persistent and deep depression. It doesn't sound like she is having fun. In fact it sounds like she is miserable.I think she needs to see a therapist in fact she may have to see a psychiatrist and get on medication. You need to make the appointments for her and bring her because she sure as hell isn't going to do it herself if she wont even open her own mail. However that really is the limit of what you can do. If someone doesn't want to get better there isn't a way to force them. Therefore do go ahead and make an appointment with a therapist and bring her. But if she refuses to cooperate then you have reached a dead end and I believe you should get divorced. It is better to divorce than to stay married and resentful forever because the latter doesn't do anyone any good. Staying married and suppressing your resentment is only going to make you depressed too. It is not a real marriage because she is not participatinf in it. Rather it is a parent-child relarionship which is dysfunctional because she is not a child and you are not supposed to he her parent! At least if you divorce she will be forced out of inaction since there is no longer anyone else enabling her and doing everything for her thereby making it possible for her to continue on her path. If she spirals down even more then she may have to be hospitalized in a mental hospital. But the first step is YOU have to stop enabling her. you have been enabling her by picking up the pieces each and every time over and over again and not holding her accountable. She needs to know how serious this is. You need to let her know you will seriously consider divorce if she doesn't get treatment to become less of a vegetable.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): So your wife doesn't have kids yet she is stay-at-home? And she doesn't do housework even though she's at home all day and no kids to take care of?? Does she at least do volunteer or charity work?
What I wouldn't give to have someone else give me money every month so I don't have to earn a living for myself!!! Then I would spend all my time doing unpaid charity work. Right now I already spend a lot of my free time doing volunteer work for various non-profits and I always wish I could do more but I can't because I have to work my day-job to pay the bills and feed the kids. If someone would just give me money for free so I don't have to have a job, I would spend all my time helping the poor and needy, the environment, the abused animals. So many things to do!!! Your wife is incredibly LUCKY she has a husband who lets her stay home and live a comfortable middle-upper class life, and without kids to eat up her time.
All I can say is: either your wife is super clinical-depressed that she has become essentially non-functional as an adult, or else she is super lazy and entitled.
Was she always like this even at the start of your marriage or before marriage?
the thing is, if she has always been like this even before marriage but only now are you having a problem with it, then that isn't fair. I'm not saying you don't have a right to want her to do more, just that you would need to own up to your own part in this mess which is that you accepted her as she always has been but now you're changing your mind.
"So what is the point of having a partnership where only one partner contributes? "
If only one person contributes, then by definition you do NOT have a partnership. You have a co-dependent situation. You see, in any other context besides a marriage, you would have had no problem leaving her long ago, problem solved. If she were your business partner and wasn't doing anything, would you keep her on as a partner? Of course not, because that's violating the terms of the agreement. But somehow because this is a marriage, there is this inherent thinking that it has to continue no matter what conduct is going on. That's how relationships become warped, because one person is dysfunctional and the other insists on 'staying' with them pretending the relationship is something it's not.
So yeah you're in a co-dependent relationship. Your wife is the dependent and you're the co-dependent. that's why you're feeling so resentful, that's normal. Google "codependent relationships" and read up to understand more about your type of situation. It's a very toxic relationship, and it's toxic to you mentally.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 July 2013):
 She " says " she is depressed ? meaning that you are not sure it is so and you see that as her version , not the factual truth ?... Why ? She ACTS like a depressed person, and, as Tisha says, it sounds high time to consult a specialist.
You have a depressed wife , to the point it's an effort for her even doing routine stuff like opening her mail ( very telltale sign ) and a depressed wife who hits heavily the bottle, and you fret about the weeds in the garden and the unfolded laundry !?
My, talk about not seeing the forest for the tress. With all due respect, I think you really need to rearrange your priorities.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): She is a spoilt lazy woman and you a foolish man,for allowing her to become useless.
Shuv her in a council bedsit on benefit equivalent and ask her to try and survive ALONE in the real world.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 July 2013):
 Get her to the doctor asap and get the depression properly diagnosed, so she can begin treatment. This is fixable, but she needs the help to start.
People think that depression is something you can 'snap out' of or just get over. It's not laziness, it's a whole different animal.
Get her to the help she needs. Give it a year to work and then decide if you can stay with her.
Think of it in this way: if she had cancer, you'd be all over her to get treatment and support her. She has a different kind of illness, one that appears to outsiders as just being lazy. I assure you, if she is depressed and drinking, she is unable to help herself out of it. She needs outside assistance.
There are medications which can help as well as therapies. But she needs the support of her doctor and her husband to start the process.
Get her to her doctor asap.
You could, of course, leave her and move on. But don't you think you'd give her support if she had cancer? So why not give her the support when she has a mental illness? Give it a go and then you can go.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): If her drinking is out of control, the first step is to have her go to AA meetings. Then you both need to go into marriage counseling to get these issues resolved.
You are becoming resentful, and I don't blame you, because basically you are the pack mule in this relationship and your wife is not contributing her part to help in the marriage.
You both need to get to the bottom of why she has no motivation, with her drinking and I am pretty sure she has depression.
A third party can help you and be more objective. With you trying to talk to her, she is turning a deaf ear, but a third party involved will help resolve what is happening to her and put your marriage on the right track.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): Yours isn't an easy question to answer, since it depends on the couple and what they agree each others' roles will be between them. You can't say 'a wife should do this' or 'a husband should do that' since every person and every relationship is different and these things need to be negotiated between those involved.I personally think your wife should be doing more around the house if she isn't working, but you need to find out what she thinks. The only way to sort it out is to discuss it between you and reach a compromise. You may not get her to do everything you think she should (hence the compromise part), but you will find a middle ground which you are both happy to accept.I'd also like to point out that your wife does indeed sound depressed - has she been to see a doctor to get a diagnosis or treatment? People with depression often don't think about how their actions affect their partners, they just focus on the negative which makes everything seem much worse. I mean your wife may just be lazy, but the traits you describe, even drinking too much, can all be symptoms of depression and with treatment your wife could improve greatly.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (25 July 2013):
 It sounds like she's depressed and lacking purpose in life.
What are her goals? Does she have any?
I think you should consider going to relationship counselling together to help her express what's wrong and hopefully start making plans.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): I'm sorry you are in this situation and your marriage is what it is.Your wife sounds very pampered and lazy! If she does not work, she is not finishing her studies either, and she does not do housework, and now not even interested in being intimate with you? Does she think she is at a hotel with everything paid for by? her husband who she thinks is her father/parents! She is married now, has been, and her teenage years should have been put behind her! If she can't grow up, you need couples counselling so someone can talk sense into her - she is totally abusing your generosity, kind heart and allowing behaviour.If she studied, then housework could take a back seat, but if she is really doing nothing, the least she could do is keep a neat clean home, as you are working, being the breadwinner with everything on your shoulders.You deserve much better than this! Continue working hard, earning a good salary, and then share the household tasks. She can do BOTH your laundry, not just hers! How rude! She can also sort it and put it away, instead of lying around. The same with the post! How lazy.Very childish in a way too.With counselling, you can establish boundaries, responsibilities, etc and communicate, which will rectify the bedroom problems too. As for the drinking, that may also require a professional if she does not have a handle on it.Lastly, don't "contract out" for intimacy - your wife is your partner, fix that... otherwise you complicate matters further, and bring who knows what diseases onto you both.Good Luck
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 July 2013):
 Seems to me that your wife is taking advantage but if you have allowed her to behave in this way, it's probably a little too late to change things.
First you have to be clear about what you want to change in order to be happy and then if shes the kind of person who you can sit down and talk to, tell her what you want and tell her what is making you unhappy. Be clear about the facts and if it decends into a row, then you might have to take a time out.
I think people who remain in long marriages, do change over time. We all get that impending fear of life getting shorter and it sometimes makes us panic that we have missed out in some way (of course some do remain blissfully happy...but a lot don't)
Sometimes a marriage guidance counsellor can unravel the knots and help you get things in perspective. The post that you have written here is very 'to the point'...perhaps you could put it in a letter to your wife and give her something to think about.
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