A
male
age
30-35,
*irdwriter
writes:I'm kinda new to dating after being out of it for the last 6-7 years... and I've been communicating to this one girl for the last 4 years as a friend. I'm trying to build our friendship into a relationship at someday soon(ish), and as of lately we've been talking almost every day.From previous experience dating, I was always familiar with "a girl will contact YOU back if she is interested..." but I have been told otherwise as of recently. (Like for example: Talk to her for 2-3 days straight, take a day to three days off, and communicate continuously like that so you're not "overwhelming her," or "avoid getting friend-zoned," "to let her miss you" or whatever people say). Other reports and logs, etc. state that in this modern day, it doesn't matter how much you message a girl and constant communication makes the bond stronger, but I'm not sure which is "right." Many people have been giving me different messages of how I should keep communicating with her and I'm not getting a clear answer.So, I am asking, what is considered the standard norm of contacting a girl? Daily, Every Other Day? Because if I am totally honest, I can't get enough of talking to her... =) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 May 2017):
 You should know her well enough at this stage to ask her out, stop making excuses and just do it before she meets someone else and you miss your chance.
As for how often should you be in contact, believe it or not but all women and men are different and want different things, she may want to hear from you daily while another girl might play hard to get, or only want to hear from you once a week. Believe it or not their is no rules and we are all different with different wants and needs. So stop making excuses stop looking for reasons to fail and ask her out for dinner.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 May 2017):
 Honestly, if you have been friends for 4 years and you want to move this beyond friendship, you need to ask her on a date. Communicate daily or whatever you want. She will still just see you as a friend until you ask her out on a date/otherwise state your intentions.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (10 May 2017):
 You're thinking way too deeply into this.
It sounds like you're asking for a how to guide for communication with females. Just speak for as long as it feels natural, if it starts to feel forced then you're trying too hard.
It should be pretty easy to judge whether the conversation is flowing or not and if it is then you don't really need to abide by some 'log or report' that says how often you should be speaking to someone.
And tell us, what are the reasons you haven't asked her out yet? Even 5 months is quite a while to wait to show that you like someone more than a friend.
How often do you speak to your other friends? How is this any different?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 May 2017):
 No rules are set in stone. Some prefer more and some less communication. Some prefer more CALLS to HEAR the other person's voice and some are content with text and occasional video chats.
Personally, I would feel "pressured" if the chatter was "constant" or kind of empty. I'd rather talk a couple of times a week IN person than once an hour over tech. BUT that is me, this girl might be very different.
HOW often you talk is still not the BIG issue here.
Has she complained that you don't call/text often enough? Has she SUGGESTED you call/text more? IF so, be bold and ask her what SHE prefers and see if it works for the two of you.
How often do you two MEET in person? Have you EVER met/talked in person or is this carried on over tech only?
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (10 May 2017):
There are no rules for how often you should contact someone you are interested in. Everyone will have their own preferences and each relationship will have its own dynamic.
Theoretically, if you've met the right person, you'll both be happy with the level of contact that each of you makes.
And I've got to agree with the others, that after 4 years without ever having made a move, you'll already be in the friendzone. So maybe look for someone else?
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A
male
reader, birdwriter +, writes (10 May 2017):
birdwriter is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well, I think your all missing the real question I am trying to ask. Let's just say for argument's sake the information of 4 years of communication between each other IS IRRELEVANT. Let's just say HYPOTHETICALLY, we've only been talking for about a few months or again, argument's sake, this was a different girl. Finally, playing devil's advocate, How often is considered the norm for communication between a guy and a girl?...Also in reply...@HoneyPie, I got no problem with rejection so long as I know she likes me, and I am sure enough that she does still even after this amount of time. As of this point, it's not a question of asking her out, but a matter of keep. @N91, there is several good reasons why I haven't asked her out.@both Honeypie and N91, I've only started talking consistently as of the last few months. I suppose if I had a chance to edit this, friend would be too strong of a word, and acquaintance would possibly be more appropriate, and technically, we've been "friends" for about 5 months...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 May 2017):
4 years and never asked her out?
Then I think she sees YOU as a friend. While I like the idea of being friends first, 4 years is a LONG time to wait to ask someone out. Too long.
So my question to you is, are you willing to toss the 4-year friendship out by asking her out? Because THAT is a possibility. If she rejects your romantic advances then what?
I can tell you this, I had a pen-pal(this was before texting and e-mails lol (I guy I met at an Internation Youth sporting event when we were 11 so it was DEFINITELY platonic from the beginning) we wrote back and forth, on and off for YEARS. We even called each other on the phone on rare occasions. Since his family had moved to NZ calling was kind of hard and... (back then) expensive. But we talked well in letters as GOOD friends do. UNTIL he decided to ask me if I wanted to be his GF. It was out of the blue and IMHO a bit pointless as we were on opposites places of the World and not at all likely to see each other. So I told him that I didn't see him as a guy to date, that I, in fact, didn't want to date anyone at that time ( We were 16). After that, it was like he fell off the planet. Now I felt bad for having hurt HIS feelings, but also MAD that he "ruined" our friendship. I wrote a few more letters trying to get my FRIEND back but he was too butt hurt to reply.
So I lost a good friend, and he got his feelings hurt. LOSE/LOSE situation.
So think LONG and HARD before you jump. Can you HANDLE rejection if that is what happens?
Do you know if she is dating anyone? If she HAS dated anyone?
I do think If you want to be more than a friend you NEED to step up and tell her - she CAN NOT read your mind. But you NEED to be prepared for the fact that she might see you as a friend only because that is what you have been for 4 years!
So it's not so much about HOW often you talk. It's WHAT you say. Get it?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (10 May 2017):
Instead of doing what reports and logs tell you to do, why don't YOU just ask this girl out already.
I'm gonna be honest, you've not made a move in 4 years, I'm gonna say you've firmly secured your place in the friendzone.
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