A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Someone i know has recently been diagnosed with oral cancer, can you offer advice?. This is difficult for me to talk about. A man i know was diagnosed with oral cancer three weeks ago. The tumour is near his jaw. I am friends with this man, but i like him as more than a friend. I think he likes me too, but we aren't in a relationship. I only found out that he was ill last week. I have seen him every day this week. We don't usually meet up every day, but i wanted to keep him company a lot. He has gone into hospital today. He is having an operation next Wednesday. He will be in hospital for about two weeks.I feel bad because i couldn't go to the hospital with him today. I hope he doesn't mind. I think he was grateful that i met up with him a lot this week though because he thanked me and he said he appreciated it. I have asked him to keep in touch and let me know how everything goes. I'm not sure if he will be able to call me when he is in the hospital though. Do you think i should try to contact him while he is in the hospital, or just wait until he gets out of the hospital?. I can't focus on anything. I just keep thinking about him. Can anyone offer any advice?. It would be much appreciated.Do you think he will be upset with me because I couldn't go today?. It costs quite a lot of money to get there. He isn't in a hospital in this area. It's further away. He said he would call me today, but he hasn't. Do you think I should contact his family if I don't hear from him?. I know how to contact them, but they don't know me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2014): I hope you understand that I am just worried because I don't even know if he will get through the operation by that I mean I don't know if he will survive ). It's risky, because he is being cut open through his neck. I just want to keep in touch as much as possible in case anything goes wrong. He didn't mind us talking on the phone and meeting up every day for a week before he went in to hospital. Also , I did call him today. He seemed depressed. He had a couple of tests yesterday, but he doesn't know the results yet. He said we can call each other, and he said he wants me to call him tomorrow. I'm not sure if he just said that to be polite, but I will stick to my word and call tomorrow, and if he changes his mind and doesn't want to talk, I will just send some nice text messages, even if he can't reply to them.When he called me the last time I saw him, which was the day before he went in hospital, he thanked me and asked me to call him later on, and he said he would appreciate it if I did. I do understand that he might want to be left alone as it gets nearer to the day that he is having his operation, and for a while after that.He also said that his family didn't visit him today, and they didn't call, but he said he doesn't want them to. He doesn't get on with them very well. He said they might be visiting him tomorrow, but he isn't sure if they will.I was worried that I might have said the wrong thing because he asked me what I had been doing today. I said I had been working, but I hadn't really. I was just making conversation. I had been at home worrying about him. He asked me if I was going out tonight. I told him I was going to stay in, and he told me that he thought I should go out. I said I might go out for a bit, and he said "it's alright for some". I didn't want to make him feel worse by saying I might go out. I just wanted to make him feel better by saying that .I do feel like I am walking on eggshells as I don't know what to say to him.I only want to contact his family if I don't hear from him for quite a while after the operation, and it would just be to find out if everything went well with the operation. I don't think they would mind.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 September 2014):
 No he isn't upset (unless you promised to BE there) YOU are a friend NOT the GF.
Now you might LIKE him more than as a friend but for now YOU are A FRIEND.
Calling his family? I think that is uncalled for as you haven't been introduced to them BY him.
Right now, HIS main priority is dealing with the tumor and cancer. So I'd try not to push your OWN agenda on this guy.
So if he say he will call and don't - give him a little space. You can always send him a short little "cheer you up" text. Let him know that he can call/text if he needs anything, then let HIM get back to you in HIS time. Like I said, DO NOT push YOUR agenda on him.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (27 September 2014):
I am concerned that you are behaving and acting more like the girlfriend, than a supportive friend. I think it’s very telling that you said you liked him in that way and suspect he might to. You do need to pull back a bit. It sounds like he has been grateful for your support, but I doubt he’d want that to get in the way of everything else for you. If you call him or ring his family, he might feel overwhelmed. Maybe he needs time to be alone with his thoughts, or maybe he’s spending this time with his family.
I would suggest that it is they who will support him day in, day out. Find a time that doesn’t inconvenience you in the near future and pay him a visit, then leave the ball in his court. Tell him to let you know if he needs anything, and if he doesn’t, just call every couple of weeks or so, send the odd text, that kind of thing. This is just about the right balance.
I wish you all the very best.
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