A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I go to the school about an hour and half from where my boyfriend (of two years) goes to school. Recently I've been getting more and more frustrated with the amount of traveling I have to do to see him. I've traveled to see him 4 times now and he has traveled to see me once. He has obligations every other weekend, so I understand for the most part. However, this weekend he has nothing going on. I asked if he was going to come see me and he said "no" he wants to work on homework and it's too expensive to drive. This bothers me, I am busy as well but I make time to see him. I may not drive a car to come see him (I carpool) but it still is time consuming. How do I make him want to come see me? Is this a sign that we're on different pages of our relationship? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2014):
 Ahem , you are obviously driving a car, not a cat :) I seldom bother to correct my numerous typos, but this one, was really a bit too much.
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 September 2014):
Half and half. Or maybe 25 % practical reasons, 75 % different page.
On one hand, I feel that maybe you have been a bit too quick to dismiss the money factor. Easy for you to say " true, I don't have to drive a cat but... " when the point , or part of it , is just this . He is broke. You do not spend to travel to him, but he does to travel to you. Obviously, depending from HOW broke he is, that makes for complications.
On the other hand, I think he is just dragging his feet and being lazy, and when people are lazy it's because they aren't motivated enough. One and a half hour ? are you kidding me, that's next to nothing, totally feasible even as a day trip, and minimally inconvenient. My hometown is one and half hour from where I live, I am always back and forth from there to visit my mother and my old friends... and I am a middle aged lady who was and is a ) a big couch potato and b ) a bit spoiled , very fond of my comfort and very uninclined to do things that require effort and inconvenience !
How do you make him want to see you ? You back off.
Actually, you can't MAKE people do what they don't want to do ,unless you hold them at gunpoint- but if you back off , you can see how much is lack of interest and how much just laziness.
You see, now he does not have to make any effort because he knows that if he balks, no problem - YOU will drag your a.. to him anyway, YOU will make it happen. Four times more than him. So, why should he make the effort, since you are so willing.
I am not suggesting you to play games or sulk , or " punish " him . You tell him, nicely and undramatically, " Look, I am always so happy to see you and you know it, but OBVIOUSLY we need to compromise. I am broke too, and traveling is time consumig for me too, so we need to take turns in visiting ". Then ,stick to the program and see what happens. If after 2 or 3 weekends you don't show up ( he may not take you seriously , at first, because you sort of spoiled him ) he catches on and things are back on track, then fine.
If, instead, he just takes a " well then so be it " attitude and stays put,... then, as disappointing and disheartening this may be, at least you will know that he is not that into you and keeps you around as a convenience. Someone whom he does not mind to see.... IF she does always all the rowing. Which, is not what you want, I suppose, and not the page you'd want to be on.
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