A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What is a relationship meant to be like? I am in my first one (I am 24) and have been with him for three years. He is 40. I only have films as reference, but I always assumed that a relationship will have lots of intimacy, fun, laughter and occasional falling out. My relationship does not seem to be like that. we hang a lot, and we go to the cinema or to get coffee. He doesn't hold my hand much when outdoors but he does when we are inside. He wont talk about 'deep' things as he doesn't feel the need. He wont talk to me about sex or anything like that and when I make flirty remarks he changes the subject. I ty and be sexy ( I think I am tbh, and he doesnt really give me the right response) We haven't had sex. I have been trying for ages to get him to have sex with me but for many reasons its not happening. We do other sexual activities such as oral and mutual masturbation and he seems to enjoy that but wont have sex. He did try to for a week, when I threatened to leave him but otherwise its usually no sex. He doesn't treat me badly, far from it we have GREAT times together there is much laughter and fun but... it sometimes feels the same when I hang out with my best girl friend. I relaly just want some passion, I want my partner to make me feel sexy and wanted and Im not relaly getting it from him. I met him online and we chatted for years before we dated. He often says he loves my personality and that i'm ' a right good laugh' Give me some insight guys into what this is and what I can do to make it more like a relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): Well obviously he is attracted to you or he wouldn't do any of it. He could be shy, or he could have sexual problems.
Try and find a sensitive way to ask him about this. Could be he had a bad experience, is afraid you might get pregnant, or has emotional problems preventing him from having intercourse with you.
It's lovely that you have such fun times together. Try to explain to him how you feel and take it from there. I hope it works out for you. Men often don't want to talk about their feelings, so don't get discouraged as he is not the only one to be so quiet about things!
A
female
reader, :)31215 +, writes (6 December 2010):
 im surprised he didnt break up with you as you pressured him into having sex when he obviously doesnt want to.
Whenever you get women on here saying "my boyfriend threatened to break up with me if i dont have sex with him" the majority of responses are "dump him".
If you love him then you should be willing to wait for him. Its probably gonna be tough, but it's needed.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 A relationship is not meant to be in any specific way, you can "customize" it to fit your needs, but without sexual
intimacy I doubt it can even be called "relationship ". Unless this happens by mutual agreement of both parties, which does not seem to be your case.
It's difficult to say why this is going on, and in fact you are the best suited to find it out, because you could just ask him directly. Maybe he is depressed.Maybe he watches too much porn. Maybe some ex rated his performance in a less than stellar way and he is self conscious about his skills now. Ask him to explain his indifference.
My gut feelings is that perhaps he is just not that physically attracted to you, at least not in a passionate way. Maybe he chose you in a rational way, because of your personality, and now he got used to the comfort and ease of your companionship, as some times it happens between older spouses . But you are not old so it should not be in this way.
I am afraid that there is not much you can do to rekindle a flame that never burned in 3 years. You even had to threaten to leave to make him more sexual,- but you can't blackmail a guy into being horny.
What happened in that week when he tried to have sex ? Did he try and not succeed ? Or did he succeed but then refused to continue?
This has absolutely nothing to do with your own attractiveness and sexyness. We are always attractive and sexy in reference to somebody else, not in absolute. In other words, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Maybe his are not the right eyes to behold you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Its hard to tell what the problem is but it is clear that you are unhappy with the lack of intimacy (full sex) within your relationship and that is understandable. You have been together for three years and you are a young woman with hopes and dreams. Either this man is willing to open up about why sex is not happening or quite honestly he is not the man for you - as you will always be as you are. My question is.... would you be happy to be in this situation with him in 5 years time? 10 years time? Its time to get some courage together and talk to him patiently but tell him that if the situation does not change then you feel the relationship has run its course because you need more.
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