A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I am having a difficult time with my husband of 15 years. We've been together for 18 years, and are best friends. The last year, however, he has been going through what he calls "changes"; We have four children together, and recently, he said he wanted to separate, saying it isn't me, it's him...he's changed. This "separation" stuff isn't new, however. He's said this probably four times over the last year. The first time, he said I wasn't being intimate enough with him....I stepped it up, and actually thought we were doing much better:) But, six weeks ago, he moved to the basement to sleep (he said he's studying for exams he has to take in October), and he'll come up once a week for some loving. Then, today he suggests we take a break from each other. I am thoroughly confused. He says he's tired of feeling like a mouse, yet I'm the one who has kowtowed to his wishes. I said something about counseling, but he doesn't seem very enthused. I finally gave him an ultimatum (mainly because I have an ulcer trying to make changes for him all the time) that if he wants a separation, he has to physically go live somewhere else...otherwise we can try to work things out in counseling. He would be content to be divorced and living in our basement, honestly, because of the kids. I am confused because most of this comes right out of the blue most of the time. I feel like if I have a rough week, I mainly have to keep it to myself so I don't anger or upset him. Today, I tried to vent to him about our son, and he decided it's time to separate. What in the world should I do about this? Should I just give up on this relationship? I love the man dearly, and I would do anything for him; but I can't live with an ulcer for the rest of my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all for the input:) I agree with Softtouch...I think it is mid-life, and hopefully I can get through his ups and downs....today, he apologized for his behavior yesterday, promised me we would work through it, and wanted to shave his head bald. I hope I can weather the storm...it may just be brewing:)(his exams he has to take are for just for work, and they will be finished in October--he says after these exams are over, he'll feel a lot better.)
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (3 September 2009):
 Be very careful, if ultimately you want to keep your marriage intact, because even if he is not currently involved in an affair... he is extremely vulnerable to one right now. For that matter so are you...
I'm not trying to add to your ulcer, but don't get complacent or depressed yourself. It does sound like he is going through some kind of mid-life crisis... there is also a good chance that even if there isn't a physical affair going on that there is another woman out there feeding his discontent. Most likely place is the workplace. Again, don't get too stressed just keep your antenae up and absolutely don't add to his stress right now by accusing or interrogating, but they all deny an affair forever if possible.
If your marriage is to survive this you are going to need to be in good shape yourself. See a counselor yourself, establish a good support system and stay healthy or get healthy. You need to pull in friends and family to help with the kids and give yourself and him as much break from stress as possible. Use all the resources available, church, community, everything... now is not the time to be prideful.
Since currently he is the one freaking out the most... try not to take problems to him, take them to your support system instead. Go to him with the fun stuff, lots of sex, smiles and loving eyes, laughter, no criticism and limit your expectations as much as possible... take your hurt and pain to a trusted person but not him right now. And do things for yourself, fun things... if he doesn't want to be with you, don't sit around and pout go be fun yourself. Either he will want to join you or he'll be relieved of the responsibility for your feelings and able to focus on fixing himself.
AND most important don't let your fear overtake you... you'll do crazy things if you do.
Praying for you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): cheaters DO NOT confess their afafirs when the innocent spouse questions them.
wives are also mistaken that affairs DO NOT take place in the workplace. it is a proven fact that most illicit relationships start in the workplace with co workers.
if you two seperate, do not allow hi to live in the basement. by doing this he will have his freedom, yet you will still be tied to him, HOPING that he will come back to you. you may htink you are being a martyr coping and accpeting his treatment of you but are you acting out of fear and desperation. desperate to hold on to the man you love in any form.
if seperation is the answer the only contact you should have is for the kids. it will be easier having no contact with him - this will ensure that you eventually MOVE on from him.
investigate all aspects - EVERYTHING so that you know what you are dealing with:
midlife crises
depression
the other woman
gay/ bi
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): This sounds like a) another woman or b) depression.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (2 September 2009):
 I know this sounds funky. But maybe you and he ought to go ride the Harley on the weekend, together, and stop somewhere and spend the weekend together. Its a roadtrip.
Maybe that's what he wants. Freedom. Only you could join him and try your best to focus on each other and enjoying this thing together.
His emotions are flip-flopping because he's not made it to mid-life yet, but 40 for some people is the defining moment between youth and over-the-hill. It the psychological mid-life crisis rather than the actual one.
Its funny because many women dread hitting 40. But guys do it too.
I think this is where some of it's coming from.
Its a suggestion. Again without prying open his head and his heart to get to what's really eating at him, I am guessing a little road-freedom-riding is what he's after.
He just wants to feel alive is my best guess. Maybe if you share those moments with him, he will suddenly see things differently. Sort of give him what he wants, and be there to share the moment with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have actually considered that he's seeing someone....I have asked him about this as well...he denies it, and I believe him since his time is very limited between work and home. He will be forty in nine months, just bought a Harley, and gets flip-floppy with his emotions....maybe it is mid-life. Question is: How do I survive this with my marriage in tact? Thanks for the input:)
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (2 September 2009):
It seems to me he's under some sort of inordinate stress. You say he's studying for exams and such. You have 4 children together.
There's obviously a lot of pressure on him, and you. This is making things difficult for both of you.
Him moving down into the basement, acting as if he's a mouse, seems odd. Its almost like a clinical depression.
I think probably the one thing you need to do is decompress yourself. You can't address his issues if you're totally unhappy with yourself, and his weird treatment of you is an indicator of this. Its almost as if you have a vicious circle going. He acts up, your ulcer explodes, the kids are out of control, and you're all trying to keep an orderly house in the midst of this crisis.
I don't know how old your husband is, but if he's in his mid to late forties or early 50's, he's probably going through the midlife crisis thing. Its possible anyway. Guys do this and want to march off somewhere and disappear. They get grumpy, moody and weird (like women do during menopause), and everything goes whacky. We have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, our hair falls out, youth fades, etc. etc.
One thing you could do, if he's unwilling to go through some sort of counseling or therapy, is try and coax him away from all the pressure, along with yourself, and spend some time together outside of that box. Surprisingly, if you spend time together maybe he can get back to normal a bit to see the whole picture instead of the mouse's view.
One thing I can see from everything you've said, is that you're trying like hell because you care deeply about him.
In one respect, he is a very fortunate man. Its rare to have a woman that cares enough to put up with this and is desperate to help him. Maybe if he can see that, he can trust you and rely on you to help him. It seems he can't help himself right now and so in that respect, its important to both of you to try, at least together. But if he can't, then you will have to destress and try and drag him off alone with you and spend time working on opening him up a bit.
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