A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Need a little advice...it may be long. I apologize in advance, but it's best to tell the whole story. Okay, I am in over my head...I have this absolutely wonderful boyfriend who i would never deliberately hurt, but about a month ago a good friend of ours who I have always been somewhat attracted to, even before my boyfriend and I started dating, kissed me. I knew that he liked me because years back he said that he loved me. I was just scared then and didn't listen to my heart (the one i let get away). However, my friends have always said that he never got over me. I have had serious thoughts about leaving my boyfriend for our friend, but I feel so guilty because he has been nothing but perfect. We have talked about marriage and he has given me a promise ring. The main reason i haven't made a decision about what i'm going to do is because my good friend is so fickle. One day he says that he likes me and then the next day he acts so cold towards me and won't acknowledge my presence. Is this just his way of showing his jealousy? Or does he really not know how he feels about me? He has always had problems committing to liking any one girl, except for me. He gives me these looks all the time, and believe me, those eyes are captivating. But the thought of leaving my boyfriend, who is incredibly good at holding down a relationship and making things work, for a relationship that may be completely unstable scares me. On the other hand, my friend is a great deal more mature than my boyfriend. I have always been scared that my boyfriend may not make something of himself once we graduate college. I have to make him get up for classes, he has no job. He is in the process of getting a good for nothing degree, but he says that's what he wants. Whereas, my friend knows exactly what he wants to do with his life, he is good with money, has a job to work for what he has and could take care of me. I can't seem to make a decision. My pro, con list isn't doing much good because they balance each other out. I am trying to follow my heart but it is so hard to decide what I want. They both make me laugh like until i cry, and i could picture life with either. Any advice at all will surely help. Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice, you gave me points of view that i never could have come up with on my own. Even the advice that said I was pretty much skum was highly appreciated. Ha.
I like that quote that you gave me shauna, it really made me think about my situation. But as far as the one who i can stay up talking to for hours and it feel like no time has passed, that is my friend, not my boyfriend. I tell this friend everything and I always have. We just have that connection and even though you'll be upadated about the current situation in the next paragraph, him and I will always share that connection. Even if we stay friends.
Last night I sat down with my friend and we talked for a few hours about our situation and when i asked him about the reason he seems so fickle concerning his feelings for me, he said that he can't take seeing my boyfriend and I together, so he tries not to show his feelings a lot. He also said that when he looks at the type of relationship i have with my present b/f, he gets scared ours would be the same. Then we talked about the possible outcome if I did break up with my boyfriend, it would cause a lot of chaos and could even split our group of friend up. I think that we decided to let things go back to normal and go on with our lives. We both said that if things change in the future where I am single and looking and he is ready to committ to a serious relationship with me then we would be more than happy to try this again. We said our I love you's and he went home. Promising to keep our close friendship, of course.
As for life with my present boyfriend, I think that I let this situation come between us and that is one reason him and I have had problems lately. However, the little things about each other are starting to get to us and I think that a break to tell how we really feel may be soon in the future, whether the friend is in the picture or not.
A
male
reader, xylplxym +, writes (20 January 2008):
Ok don't listen if you don't want to but, I think what your indecision means is that neither of these guys are right for you. You want some one who will be good to you like your boyfriend has been, but you don't like his immaturity. Your freind is mature and sure, your future would be more secure should you be with him, but he is afraid or incapable of expressing his emotions to you and won't treat you as well. Therefore, I think that right now in your life you should consider not being with either of them.
It seems to me that you rushed it with your boyfriend. You talk about marriage, you have a promise ring (the ultimate sign of a rushed relationship, no offence intended to you of course). I know that in serious dating, of course you hope and strive for marriage, but it's really meant to find out what you want in a lifelong partner. And I think you found it. You want a mature man who isn't afraid to express his feelings for you. So go and find it. Yes, you might hurt both of them, but would you rather just give up and settle for one of them just to realize you are wrong? You can find exactly the person you want in this world; lot of fish you know?. Don't limit yourself to just between these to guys.
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reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (20 January 2008):
 You are asking the imposible. No one can wave a magic wand and tell you which one to go for, unfortunatly!.
You ask is it possible that grass wont be greener on the other side?.
You cant find this out until you take the leap. Then it may be to late to turn back. It could be the best thing or the worse.
All I would say though, is if you were truly happy with your Boyfriend, this thought would not come into your head. Equally, if you thought that you were in love with your friend, nothing would stop you being with him. No matter who it hurt.
I think that it's possible that you shouldnt be with either. And maybe there is someone out there that is even better, and you would never dream of leaving.
Well its just a thought.
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reader, Pig  +, writes (20 January 2008):
I think that you should do your boyfriend a favor and leave him because he is too good for you. Go and be with the other guy. He will probably "love" you until he gets sick of you and casts you aside. And you will get what you deserve.
I hope you understand what I am trying to say. If not here it is again: You should stop seeing the other guy and have little or no contact with him. You should also tell your boyfriend about the kiss and tell him that he is all you want (although it's not true) and hope that he will forgive you. If you are mature enough to stay with him your relationship is going to be much better than the one with the other guy would be. Hope this helps.
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reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 January 2008):
 You have to decide whether it is the one who you love more or the one who love you more ?
Most girls would chose the one they love more. The man may love you more but you don't feel any appeal in them.You would choose the one you love more. That is human nature.
Your friend cannot show much affection to you because of your commitment to your boyfriend. If you are single, then it maybe different.
His fickle mindedness could be due to the fact that you spurned him before and chose this present b/f.
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reader, speedcat +, writes (20 January 2008):
there is no garantee in life. why dont you sit down with the friend and have a one on one talk tell him your concerns and listen to his, you may think hes mature but is he really playing head games?? wants you dont want you,which is it if hes so into you then he should tell you tell you how he feels not give mixed signals get it? think hard good luck.
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reader, rcn +, writes (20 January 2008):
 Too bad you can't just take the two and merger them into one. What I'm worried about, as far as any decision, is his love you, then be cold toward you. This shows (all though responsible) fear of commitment or difficulty in starting or making relationship decisions.
It's OK to like or be attracted to more than one person. The problem here is, if your boyfriend was this good, why take the chance. No it's not always greener on the other side. I always hear of people saying "I made a mistake."
As a Christian country recording artist, I've written and am recording a project that speaks about that. It's about a girl who breaks up for someone else, finds out he's not quite what she was expecting, then attempts to get back with the one she left. He basically tells her that if he wasn't good enough to stay with, he's not good enough for her now.
Doing this, if you were to leave, and find out he's not what you are expecting, you could end up burning your candle at both ends, and having no one in the end. Your boyfriend now, you know him, who he is, his habbits, speaking about marriage etc. Are you willing to loose both over a chance?
I hope this helps, take care.
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reader, xxshaunaxx +, writes (20 January 2008):
"never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love"
this is a really tough situation, you obviously have feelings for both.
but think, who can you talk to for hours and hours and feel like no time has gone by? who can you tell anything and everything to?
my opinion: I think you should stay with your boyfriend.
I hope I helped...
good luck!
---shauna
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