A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi! Well, this is going to be a long long story. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years, we're both our firsts everything. We normally get along great, share the same hobbies, same college (but different careers), etc. Now I'm 19 and he's 21. There are also some issues that weaken our relationship, we've already worded on the smallest ones, but there's the jealously thing, that's destroying everything we've built. It all started in my 1st semester, with a guy that was in the same optional class I was, we both study the same thing and he's 6 years older than me and almost finishing his careers. He started talking to me and I thought he was just being friendly with me like he was with the rest of our classmates. We worked together on class assignments and at the end of the course he offered me to join a group with him and some other students, most of them were close to graduating as well. I decided to join. We ended up making a project, with few participation of me in ideas, but I tried to help in everything I could. To present our project we had to travel to another country, only 10 people could attend. I was selected, as well as the guy, 2 teachers, and some other students. We were away for a week, we presented our project, we didn't win, but we had new ideas, so when we returned we started working on the next project. The guy was my link to the group, he texted me to let me know about the meetings, about the plans, about everything, and we ended up texting us a lot more often, not just about the group, but about anything. They were innocent conversations; I thought he was just a friend, we texted almost every day all the afternoon. This bothered my bf, but I told him he was just a friend, I don't like him, and he's not trying to have anything with me. Well, the texting continued for a 6 months, we talked about the same topics, nothing weird until now. I kept reassuring my boyfriend that he was the love of my life, we see each other every day and we can't stay mad at each other for too long. I know he believed me and I know he loves me too. Then the guy stopped texting me, I found it strange, and after a month or two I decided to tech him and asked him what happened. He just gave me an excuse and told me he was just busy and stressed with his thesis so he didn't have time. I believed him and we started texting again, but not so often. This lasted 3 weeks or so. Sadly his dad died, I sent him a texted him to say I was sorry for his loss. And the next week in one of our team meetings, we went outside to talk, and he revealed that he liked me, he told me how he tried to get close to me during classes, how he mention the group so I would join and he could spend more time with me, he influenced the other ones in the team to get both of us on the travel, how he texted me, talked to me, even lied to me and to others with the hope of me becoming his first girlfriend ever. He told me how he was a deception to his father for not having a girlfriend. He was just waiting for me and my boyfriend to break up so he could have me. I told him I never realized, that I was not interested in him, I just saw him as a friend, a person way too old for me (given that when he 1st started talking to me I was 17 and he was 22, now I find it actually creepy that he had any interest in me). He said that we could still be friends, that he understood that I have a bf I love and he had no chance with me. I believed him, he hugged me and we returned inside with the rest of the team. (this was 2011 November) After a few weeks I stupidly agreed to go with him to the movies, believing that he would stop trying to "get me". He tried to hug me and tried to hold my hand but I didn't let him. I went home and had a long long discussion with my boyfriend about this. My bf knows about the movie thing, and I had already said that I knew the guy was acting strange. After everything that happened I decided to cut contact with him, it was uncomfortable to just being in the same room as he was only trying to get close or finding excuses to touch my hand or my arm. Now, the real problem, this has destroyed my bf completely, to the point that I can't even say hi to a male friend without him being jealous and afraid of this happening again, of me not noticing that a guy is trying to "seduce" me, he absolutely hates when men treat women like pieces of meat, and he realizes that usually women don't really notice it at first. He really doesn't trust me, and he blames me for destroying this trust. I know I should have noticed earlier that the guy was just hitting on me, and it was a fatal mistake to go to the movies with him... I want to correct those mistakes, I know my actions have really affected my boyfriend, and I know I want to show him that I can be trusted to spot a guy that just wants me to satisfy himself (his need for a gf, for human contact, etc) and really doesn't care about me. I feel really guilty and I don't want my boyfriend to be so unhappy. He suffered a lot in silence, and I did not listen to him when he pointed out that the guy wanted something more, I didn't trust him at that moment and now I'm paying for that and he can't trust me. It's not about cheating because I never cheated (not even in an emotional way). It's about recovering that trust. He passed from being a guy who was perfectly ok with me traveling with 10 persons (mostly males), who trusted me, to being uncomfortable with me saying hello to a male friend. I need your help aunts and uncles, how can I comfort my boyfriend and how can I show him he can trust me again? I want him to be happy and I want him to be able to trust in a woman again, even if I'm not that woman, he's a good person and he deserves that. Thank you very much for taking the time to read me, it means a lot and I really appreciate your help and your dedication.
View related questions:
jealous, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Frustrated36  +, writes (11 January 2013):
If you both agree that you love each other and want to fix your issues I say the best thing is to go to counseling together. The only other option is to let him go. If he loves you and wants to be with you, when he's ready to try again he will come back.
I think you both could use a little more advice on how to fix things. The fact that you didn't see what the other guy was doing isn't your fault. Your young and inexperienced with men (and there isn't anything wrong with that, we all have to start at some point and learn from our mistakes). It doesn't help that after you knew what he was doing you went to the movies with him anyways thinking that he was going to change and except that you two would never be more then friends. This just means that you have a big heart and your forgiving. It's not a bad thing, you should just learn that most people don't change so easy with their way of thinking. Even I am guilty of this. If I want something I will keep trying until I get it or all aspects are exhausted. In some ways it is a good thing to have but in relationships of any kind it's not so good because I can be pushy.
Anyways, you can't convince someone of something they don't want to hear or except. I sounds to me that he's more distrusting of others then of you. He's scared of losing you to someone else. As cute as this may seem it's an insecurity and over time if he continues to be that way it will do nothing but push you away from him. It's better for him to solve this now before it becomes an issue the rest of his life.
As for you, you just need to look a little deeper into others actions toward you. Don't look too deep but now that you know what to look for, watch out and pay attention. Sometimes asking a friend how they feel about you is helpful as well. If they don't answer you honestly you will see the signs of how uncomfortable they are with that question. If they are uncomfortable with the question of, "How do you feel about me" there is a very good chance that they have more feelings then you would want and you need to distance yourself from them. Giving someone the wrong impression of what you want from them can be devastating to them and the friendship.
I hope this helps and hope you and your boyfriend can work things out. You both have a lot of time invested in your relationship and this issue shouldn't break you two up.
Best of luck to you.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (11 January 2013):
 Hi
I don't think you can help him he just has to learn for himself.You are both in your first relationship and had no experience to fall back on.
While I think his reaction is over the top I can also understand how he feels.
No you should not have gone to see a movie with the other man,he had already told you how he felt about you and you were leading him on,you have a boyfriend and weren't interested (you say). The age gap is nothing either, 22 is still young and he had probably thought you had decided to give him a go.You gave mixed messages
From your boyfriends point of view you went on a date with a guy who YOU had told him was acting strange.Whats he supposed to think of you?
You both need some space and cooling off time. You have broken his trust and he doesn't see you the same way anymore.How he deals with it is up to him.
...............................
A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (11 January 2013):
Well, you have two basic options. I'll get to them in a moment.
The part of being in a relationship that sucks is you (generally) have to do it with a human being. Human beings are notoriously flaky, unreasonable creatures that are prone to all manner of unpredictable, nonsensical reactions based on this weird interplay of psychological and physiological source factors that becomes more than the sum of its parts. They even have their own series of words for this unpredictable, illogical interplay - they call it things like "feelings" and "emotions".
Your boyfriend is experiencing a bout of insecurity. It is one of the jealousy emotions (did you know that jealousy is actually several emotions?).
This is, in part, your fault for not having been more sensitive to his waning sense of security when he let you know before that the constant contact with the other guy bothered him. However, it takes two to tango, and it is also indicative of fears and similar emotions he experiences that has little to nothing to do with you.
Now. On to your options. Option 1 hurts, but it's easy. Leave him. Tell him that if he can't trust you after you've been open, honest, and forthright, then he needs to fix his own head before he can seriously expect to succeed in a relationship with another person. This option has the downside of hurting him, hurting yourself, and ending what was a pretty good relationship. It has the upsides that you would then be single, and free to pursue a relationship with the other guy, which would be a sweet irony after all this.
Option 2 is much more difficult. However, there is a slightly easier shortcut. You need to express your own confusion and disappointment to him. Express your anger that you didn't do anything wrong and feel like you are being persecuted. Express your disappointment in his maturity level. Then you need to be extra clingy and reassuring.
The easier shortcut would be to show him this page (including responses). Explain that this is where you are emotionally, and that you think that together the two of you can sort out all of the baggage that comes from you trying to have a friend that wasn't him.
Either way, with option 2 you should give him an amazing blowjob every day for at least a year. You'd be awfully surprised how far good oral can go to soothing a man's emotional well being.
...............................
|
