A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriends parents are very reclusive people, and we usually get along fine, but lately I am feeling like they don't like me anymore.I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we lived with them for a little while but now we have our own place. They always seemed caring and seemed to like me. But now it seems they don't. I esp had a close relationship with the mother but she kind of acts differently toward me all the sudden. I can;t think of anything I have done except that yes, they have helped us financially in the past, but i never knew it was meant to feel like a debt. I have even caught his father sending nasty emails to my boyfriend claiming we are causing him and his wife to not have any money and that it is MY fault!!! I cried for HOURS after I saw this. With my family, my parents help us if we need it, since we are still in school, and they have never once made him feel guilty or indebted (nor me). I try not to take anything, whether money or items, from his parents anymore, and even pay for my own meals, etc. when we are out together with his parents or shopping with them. Why do they make me feel like I owe them something, when they presented there past help as a no strings attached sort of situation? it makes me really upset and the guilt is overwhelming.I still sometimes use an empty space in there basement as a work space for my business, as our apt is tiny, and now i am feeling as though this is irking them and i am intruding.On top of all this, we were supposed to go visit my fam for the holidays. i was flying out before xmas, and he was flying out a little after since he couldnt get off work. They are all the sudden refusing to drive him to the airport, and the tickets are nonrefundable, and MY parents helped pay for them. I am paying for the gas and it wasn't like i was asking for much but they are not willing to help. So now we have to pay for a bus ticket and a cab just to get to the airport. I am so upset, angry, sad, and disappointed...why are they trying to make me feel this way, I have tried to be as kind as possible, and I am always courteous.. I thought we were close but now I feel like a burden to them..
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 Sigh... unluckily money is not one of those things you can afford to be elegant and understated about, because if you do things always go sour . Better spell it out clearly even between parents and children, say I can give you up to X dollars for a period of X months, after which I expect back at least X percent of the money etc. etc. - But, what is done is done, and I think what you could do now would be stop tiptoeing around the issue and have a serene, non confrontational clarification. Like, tell them frankly you've got the feeling their attitude toward you has changed, is it something you have done , is it something you can change, etc. An embarassing, but useful, in fact probably necessary talk, if you want to know what 's wrong and maybe start again with a clean slate.
My feeling is that they MIGHT be pissed , honestly I would be too, and I am generous to a fault- but it's the attitude, not the money per se. Correct me if I am wrong, but from what you write it sounds that you take their financial help totally for granted just because YOUR parents are willing and able to keep "helping " you indefinitely. Maybe your in-law can't afford it, or maybe they want to see you guys more responsible and independent. Sure, probably it was not meant as a formal loan, a regular debt- that would come with an interest rate, and a specific repayment date. It was probably meant as giving you a hand- which does not mean you could not or should not OFFER spontaneously to give them back what you can when you can . It's up to them then, say, no guys, don't worry , you keep the money, you need it- but give them the chance to choose at least !
Like, I don't know, suppose you are a broke friend of mine who can't afford dining out so I always foot the bill at the restaurant. I do it because I love your company, and because I want to do something nice for you, sure- but I sort of assume that you'd invite me,for once, as soon as you can.Now suppose you come into a little money, .. and first thing you do is going to spend it all on yourself , on shoes and perfumes. I would not be pleased. Yes, it was money given with no strings attached... but the real question is WHY don't you want voluntarily attach any strings to it, out of gratitude , empathy and affection.
Btw, there are many ways to " give back " also without exchanging money. You could help them with chores, cook for them, bake them a cake, ask them if they want company... something . Something that shows you don't take them absolutely for granted and just as your personal ATM machines. Maybe- just maybe- you and your bf are a bit lacking in this department, and it can be very irksome .Regardless of how big or small is the sum they have given you.
For instance, why do you assume that they SHOULD take you to the airport, and why do you complain about paying for your own transportation ? That's normal !,- it's what adults do - and what you want from them is a FAVOUR, which they are not obliged to grant , - not a right. And the space you are occupying in their basement ? that's a big favour too , it's space they could use for their own stuff, or maybe even rent. You seem not to consider that. Granted, your in laws are maybe being a tad passive-aggressive, they probably should just come out and say : we feel unappreciated for all we have done for you - but , it's not easy, give-and-take is always a sensitive issue , particularly inside a family.
Try to put yourself in their shoes , and see if there is any way you can make them feel that you are THANKFUL for what they have given, more than resentful for what they do NOT give.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (16 December 2011):
Hi there. Is there much money that he owes his parents?
Are we talking about thousands here?
And is he repaying them that money?
Even though his parents lent him money to help him out, it was probably understood by them (or at least assumed), that it was going to be paid back. Even if they said nothing.
Money lent in families can often cause some friction, especially when it's not clarified whether it's to be paid back or not. So this needs to be clarified.
Perhaps they offered to help or maybe he asked them could he borrow the money. $20 here, a couple of hundred there, and then maybe $1,000 or $2,000 - over a year of two, it very quickly adds up. And before you know it, it is thousands of dollars.
And then one party (him), assumes it's a gift, and his parents assumed he would repay it. And if that's what has happened, there is some misunderstanding isn't there?
To ensure that everybody was on the same page over the money issue, it would have been better for his parents to say to him - "We'll lend you the money, but you do have to pay it back, ok?" At least then, he would know what's expected.
At the moment he doesn't, does he?
Perhaps they never said that, so he automatically assumed it was a gift.
With your small office you have set up in their basement, maybe now you have your own place you could remove the stuff you have stored in their basement.
They might be needing that space now, for some more stuff of their own.
Maybe they feel you have taken their little boy away from them - by him moving out with you.
They might be thinking you forced him into it. Just a thought.
What now needs to happen, is for him to talk to his parents (without you being there), and to clarify it once and for all about how he's going to pay the money back. They need to come to some agreement between them.
Once he does that, it might clear the air completely.
It does seem that the money issue could be behind all of this, and your stuff in their basement is just another hassle on top of that.
There could also be other issues for them - one of their jobs might be in jeopardy, so they might now be needing that money back to help them along. You never know.
When he was living at home, he probably paid some board every week, which would have also helped them out a bit.
The economy is still very unstable, and many jobs are being lost every day. So with that being the case, every single dollar counts.
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