A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been coming on this site since I was 16 and used to get great, friendly advice on how I should handle my relationship problems. I came here looking first solution to fix things. I don't know what happened in the past three years, but friendly advice just doesn't seem to happen anymore. I am a 19 year old married to a 28 year old. We met at the end of February last year and were married that same July. I'm pregnant with his baby and I'm happy with him. Sometimes, like all married couples, we run into problems and I've come here wondering what I should do. Instead of the friendly answers I used to get, all I'm getting now is constant judging and suggestions to end the relationship. I haven't once seen an answer telling me how to improve it. What happened here, guys? What's so bad about trying to fix a relationship rather than just jumping immediately to divorce? Why can't a 19 year old get married in less than a year without being judged?It's not just me. I read other questions too, and I see plenty of people honestly in need if help who, instead of getting that, just get beat down. We already realize there is a problem, otherwise we wouldn't be here at all. Maybe instead of immediately beating down on us you can give us a little support now and then?
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2013):
 Sometimes however, the true help a person needs, is NOT what they WANT to hear....
Support is like an under wire bra, often needed, often uncomfortable but very helpful.....
we don't want to hear the bad news.
we don't' want to think that we can't fix what's broken.
The folks here at DC are not professionals, and those of us that tend to be harder are mostly full of long term life experience including suffering the pain we try so hard to help the posters avoid.
I know from experience we can't make folks do what is best for them.
I have to admit I often get private messages telling me how grateful folks are for my being blunt and while it hurt they agree with me. I also get private messages begging me to post to their question because they appreciate my honesty.... therefore I will continue to be blunt and honest and tell folks what I think they need to hear vs what they want to hear.
Therapy is hard work. Hearing what you don't want to hear is hard and truthfully unless a person is ready to hear it, it goes in one ear and out the other... but maybe just maybe I plant a seed that helps them later on.
Sadly with everyone complaining that we are mean to them, I find some of the aunts and uncles holding back on responses and how does that help the OP???
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 February 2013):
 So you are annoyed,basically, that you don't hear the suggestions that you want to hear ? You ask for opinions, but they have to be the same that you already have in mind ? ...
Not fair to the poor Aunts, who get to be the meanie just for expressing a sincere, and, generally, well thought, opinion , which you have expressely requested.
What happens if chance wants that that day all the responders actually ,in good faith, think that , in general or in a case like yours, there's no point in rescuing the relationship and it's better to part ways ?
It is an OPINION ( which you have asked ). It may not be right advice in absolute, or not be the right advice from your point of view- but do we get to be heartless jerks because we don't see things your way ?
It's a personal opinion on a free advice site , not doctor's order. You don't have to follow the advice, if you don't like it. You can shrug your shoulders and ignore it.
And, btw, automatically labelling an advice as wrong , unhelpful , or a waste of time- because it does not concide with YOUR view of the problem.... isn't that rather judgemental too ? Like, you already have decided that terminating your relationship is out of question, i.e. " terminating your relationship " is necessarily bad advice, not only, but the person who gave it is a " bad "
Aunt that's not doing what she is supposed to do ? ...
It couldn't also be , by any remote chance, an intelligent, perceptive, compassionate and sensitive person who thinks you are in a bad place and honestlt thinks that the best thing to take you out of your misery is ending things off ?
...............................
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (19 February 2013):
Ususlly questions get a range of ideas and suggestions, you can choose what you want. I agree that sometimes some of the replies seem negative but this may be relecting the reality that another person has experienced. Not msny relationships get over problems and there is a point where if one partner refuses to care or change then there sre not a lot of options for the unhappy partner. Some people come here seeking support and agreement that their uncaring or cheating partner isn't in fact doing what might be susspected. In these cases the replies may sound harsh.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): I have to say I too have noticed a difference over the years, people just ain't so friendly anymore and like to judge!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): Most people are in a relationship for 18-24 months prior to becoming engaged. Once the engagement has been announced, the marriage is usually planned over the next 6-12 months. Most people do not meet someone 10 years older and marry them 4-5 months later.What I am trying to say is you have not even been in a relationship with this man for one year and you are already having problems.If you have tried to talk to him an have tried to get him to consider your feelings and he just ignores what is important to you, this may be a relationship that can't be saved. You need to try to get him to compromise with you on whatever is bothering you. You don't want to bring a child up in a marriage where mom and dad don't know how to communicate with one another. That kind of marriage is a terrible environment for children to grow up in. All it teaches a child is anger, screaming, negativity, and passive aggressive bullshit are normal baseline emotions and baseline means of communicating with others.Whatever your problems are, you need to discuss them and address them as a couple...as a husband and wife...as a mommy and daddy should.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 February 2013):
 If there are just issues to work through I am all for the relationship to be worked on. If there are things to addressed that are fixable then yes I think couples counselling or any other therapy that will improve things is a great idea.
But I draw the line at domestic abuse. If a partner is being beaten up regularly and the children are witnessing domestic violence then I don't think any partner deserves to live in fear and be suffering the terror of when the next beating will occur. Because domestic violence abusers don't stop abusing because their victim pleaded with them to stop. A domestic abuser usually keeps on being abusive and more so over time. Children witnessing domestic abuse suffer too, it is a form of child abuse to subject a child to seeing another human being throw obsenities at the child's parent, drag their parent by the hair, kick and punch their parent etc. It is terrifying.
I don't see the age difference as such an impediment. I have a friend who married a confirmed bachelor 12 years older than her when she was nineteen. They now have two teenage daughters. In their case they waited to have children until she completed her university studies and established a career. So he was already into his 40s before they had children. Now her career is surging ahead again and he is a doting father of two lovely daughters.
perhaps a read of the followng article might help you clarfy what you see as a workable relationship and one that needs some improvement:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-are-the-attributes-and-conditions-for-a.html
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): Is this you?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-doesnt-seem-to-want-anything-to.html
You got plenty of advice OP, you actually got some really good advice. I even told you to discuss this with him.
What did you actually want to hear OP? You want us to ignore the fact that you got married very soon, in our opinions, and that your marriage doesn't seem to going all that well because he'd rather play computer games than spend time with you? ignore that if you want OP but it may have a big part to play in the reason he didn't do anything for you. That's not a judgement, merely an opinion.
OP we can only give an opinion, we can only relate the situation to our own experiences, with what little info you give us and you are going to hear answers that you don't agree with. We're not living in your situation, we don't know you, all we see is a 19 year old who rushed into marriage with a guy who prefers video games over her. That's what I see from what you wrote.
You asked why your valentines wasn't as special and amazing as you wished, well he may not care about valentines, or maybe and it seems kind of likely from what you said that he just doesn't give a damn about putting any work into this relationship and would rather play video games instead.
So I say again OP, talk to him, solve this by making your feelings clear on this.
We are trying to support you OP, but we can only give you a n opinion based on what you write, and frankly OP it paints a very bad picture. You barely know this guy yet you're married with a kid to him. You were married after 6 months, you cannot possibly really know who a person is after so short a time, you literally only know him a year and already the honeymoon period is over OP and things are not what you hoped.
What do you want us to say to that?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 February 2013):
 People get judged. It's not something that has started to happen recently, it's in human behaviour to judge those who we think are different, or to judge those who have it better than ourselves so we can feel better by dragging them down.
There will always be those who judge you, and when you chose to marry at 19 to a man 9 years older than you, well then being judged comes with the package I'm afraid. Not to say that's good at all, but it is how it is. When I was engaged at 19 (not married even, just engaged) I got criticized a lot. And the guy I was engaged to was just 2-3 years older. That's unfortunately how it is. Even if it is true, that marrying at 19 IS really young to get married, and most likely will end in divorce (speaking in general here), it's still rude to point it out. But, when you come on here and ask advice, you did ask for an opinion. I think it is rude for people to say their opinion (when it's a negative one) when not asked, but when asked... well sure! If their opinion is a negative one then that's the answer you'll get.
I think, if you want less judging, and more advice, keep to the problem itself. Don't mention anything about being 19 and marrying after 4 months to a man 9 years older. Don't mention any of that. Because that's what people will judge you for. And that's not what you want advice on anyway, is it, because you already did marry him. You don't need to know if it was right or wrong, what's done is done. So just keep to the actual issue at hand and only bring in your age if it is relevant.
And, to finish this long rant, I will say that I am a believer in tough love. You can't pussy foot around things, you got to say it like it is. In real life, sure I can be less direct, but online.. what's the point? It's strangers who can either take it or leave it, and being strangers we see things more objectively. That means the advice might be harsh at times, but it will always be honest and without hidden meanings. In real life, people will tell you what they think you want to hear in order to make their own lives easier. For example, a friend of yours will always tell you what you want to hear because she wants to maintain your friend. She knows if she is honest the friendship might end.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): I have been coming on here for a while now too and I have to say I usually can't fault the advice I have been given. Admittedly it is sometimes a bit harsh, but if I'm honest with myself it's usually true and the reason I don't like it is that it's not what I want to hear. I don't know the situation with your relationship so I can't comment on that, but it is a sad fact that not all relationships can be saved. Even with all the will in the world, if the differences between a couple are too big or if one partner is unwilling to make the effort then the best course of action sometimes is divorce. This is not always the case of course and I don't think people would suggest that lightly, so if they are with you and you think it is unjustified maybe they are misunderstanding your question? Maybe try putting in some more information to see if that gets a different answer, as people can only comment on what they read and often have to fill in the blanks with assumptions based on their experience. If not though, it may be time to ask yourself whether people really are writing your marriage off too quickly, or is it more that you don't want that to be the answer?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 February 2013):
I think it depends on the problem.....
I also think that some folks don't want true advice but rather give information that will give advice they seek....
and I think that many folks do not get the whole idea of what true support and therapeutic behavior is.
If a person says "what should I do" that to me is different from "how can I save the relationship."
If a person says "I'm essentially stalking my ex partner to convince him to come back to me cause i was wrong" and they want me to support their inappropriate behavior and I don't and I get hammered for it as not being supportive how is that wrong?
is it wrong to try to get someone to see the truth?
...............................
|
