A
male
age
51-59,
*onarg
writes:Ok so the story is: We’re both 37 and, if you include the last year, have been together for 4 years. Both previously married – no children. We moved in together after about 8 months but in April of 2009 Michelle decided that she ‘had’ to leave me. Her parting words were: ‘I don’t know if, or when, I’ll be back.’ Since then she has been backwards and forwards 6 times – the longest period back living with me (whilst keeping her rented room in a shared house) was about 3 months. We were both supposed to be going to Cape Town (her hometown) for the whole of Dec 09 but she left again in October so that was cancelled for me. From the time she left through to Feb this year there were a few texts – but not much else by way of communication. Finally my project ended and I booked a big trip away by myself – leaving on Feb 14th ;) Michelle turns up with a Valentine’s card – saying that: ‘she doesn’t know why she kept running, I am ‘the one’ and she wants to marry me and be the mother of my children’ and lots of photos of the two of us for me to take on my trip: ‘so that you don’t forget what I look like.’We also had a discussion about celibacy, on both parts, until my return – when we would then discuss the relationship. So off I trot. About 3 weeks in – very late at night and out of the blue – I receive a text accusing me of sleeping with people whilst away. I was seriously pissed off by this as I have never been unfaithful to her in the entire time our relationship was actually ‘on’ and I had given my word, which I do not break. Now I knew that she had planned to go skiing to Austria for a few days – although she had not bothered to tell me who she would be going with – and I realized that the text coincided with her being away skiing. So I look on Facebook and sure enough there is a photo of her, in the back of a limo, with her head on the shoulder of the only other limo occupant on the night she sent the text. Turns out this was a single guy she met on the flight back from Cape Town 8 weeks previously (in my seat so to speak ;)) and she decided that he was such a good friend, in a platonic way, that it would be absolutely fine to a) go skiing with him b) get pissed with him and take photos and post them on FB c) having been out for the night getting drunk – text me and accuse me of screwing other people. My response to this was none too pretty. To which she replied that maybe she has: made a mistake and you’re not the one after all. I could go on about how, because of me, she has learnt to: ski, dive, sail, travelled the world, eaten in the best restaurants etc etc etc – but please – forget all that. Treat this as an isolated incident. The girl who has acknowledged all of her bad decisions and is so desperately trying to get back with the one she loves that, as soon as he’s away (by himself), she takes a trip to a hotel in a foreign country with a single man she’s known 8 weeks and then sends accusatory texts whilst drunk. Men and women – please please tell me: What words you might use to describe Michelle? And: What on earth you think might be going on in her head that she sees this behaviour as reasonable?Or am I just over-reacting???
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (9 March 2010):
 Very wise decision my man.
A
male
reader, lonarg +, writes (9 March 2010):
lonarg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhahahah thank you guys! Sounds like you all have pretty much the same advice and I can't really disagree with anything you've said. It seems such a shame after all of the effort, love and attention I've put into this relationship - but repeated promises to 'change' her behaviour - with effort that only lasts until it suits, can only go on so long. None of us is immortal.
I have given her so many chances and made massive allowances because I do understand some of her insecurity: due to events from her past. However after 4 years, what more can I do to help her get over that - if it hasn't happened already - it never will.
Time to move on!
Thank you.
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A
male
reader, lonarg +, writes (9 March 2010):
lonarg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhahaha guys - sounds like you all have pretty much the same advice!!! ;) It doesn't seem to matter how many chances I give this woman - or how many times she turns up saying: 'this time it'll be different' - the effort only lasts for as long as it suits her. Just like her getting back in contact and leaving to entirely her own schedule. It's a great shame - especially after all of the effort, love and time I've put into this relationship - and to some degree I do understand her insecurity issues from things that have happened in the past - but the line of: 'I need time' can only apply for so long - given that we're not immortal :D
Time to move on!
Thank you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): Do the words SELFISH, MANIPULATIVE & CONTROLLING sound apt?
I agree with Weramazing, you have take control of the situation at some point if you want to stop being treated like a door mat. Michelle seems like an enormous game player.
In under a year you have been left 6 times, then to top it off you get accused of being unfaithful (having given your word), by the person who at the time was on holiday with another man (one she only met 8 weeks ago) how does that work???
How close can an 8 week friendship really be? What was she doing going on holiday with this guy in the first place? Does this guy know of your existence? If so does Michelle or her new found 'friend' think it's appropriate to be going on holiday together given the situation and that the two of you were supposed to be working things out on your return?
Either way, it's time to kick her to the kerb.....permanently!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 March 2010):
Michelle is a waste of your time. It's clear she's just playing with you, and probably a load of others as well. Best to move on and find a good woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): I dont think youre over reacting but shes just having fun and going back to you during dry spells by the sound of it. If you like her and are happy to have her back if and when it suits her, thats great. If not, wake up and stop contact with her because shes just a user.
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A
female
reader, zanzi007 +, writes (9 March 2010):
 one word to sum this women up is mind game and a player you know what they say if someone accuses you of doin something wrong they usually doin it themselves very unsecure women if i was with someone who is commited and making plans for a great future together why spoil it i been with guys like her full on then back off then all of a sudden full on again its mental torcher kick her into touch b4 she screws u up and find someone who wants all the nice things a relationship has to offer .
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A
female
reader, Weramazing +, writes (9 March 2010):
 What's going on in her head is not important, you can see her actions and you are clearly not happy with them.
Seems to me that she picks you up and drops you when she feels like it. The relationship seems like a joke to her and she doesn't seem to be taking you seriously. You are too old to be playing these games.
Move on.
Wouldn't you rather let go of her and her childish ways and make way for a new woman in your life who will appreciate, respect you and not play these games?
The way I see it lifes too short for this rubbish, now you are partly to blame for allowing her to pick you up and drop you when she feels like it.
But you can change things either lay down your expectations with her or just leave and move on.
Don't waste the rest of your life with someone who chooses when they want you when you could be with someone that always wants you. Good luck.
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