A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,I want to know that general qualities that women look for in men. I have never seen myself as "boyfriend" material as a lot of other guys.I consider myself massively confident partially due to the anxiety of saying the wrong thing, offending/creeping out women. I tend to be quieter around women, show an interest in them rather than teasing them, tend not to try to be funny other than accidentally. I'm a gentleman in the classic sense but it hasn't helped me in the past so there must be more to it.I don't know if I consider myself fun, does confidence cause an attitude of fun?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 May 2012):
 As for your follow-up: If you laugh often then you are fun. You don't need to be the one cracking jokes and being the clown in order to be fun. Someone who easily laughs, and can apprechiate a good joke, IS fun to be around, in general. This means that you will probably laugh of her jokes, if she makes any, and that will make her feel great, fun, and happy. I'm not someone who cracks jokes often either, I have a much more basic and "stupid" sense of humor where I laugh at things most people don't find funny even. But I have been called fun several times, because I can laugh at other people's silly jokes, and I apprechiate someone with a good sense of humor. I make others feel funny, and now and again I say something funny too. People like that.
Besides, being enteraining and interesting carries you a long way too. I always have ideas and thoughts for things to do, or experiments, or maybe I read something that is worth a debate. Just know that you wont be everyone's cup of tea, some people will find you boring. But that's OK. You aren't a stand up comedian, you don't need to make everyone laugh or entertain everyone. All you need to do is find the right "niche", the right sort of women that think the way you act and talk is interesting.
Look for women who you have common interest with and similarities with. Talk to women about things that interest YOU, and you will find a woman who also finds this interesting. I mean why would you want to be with someone you don't find interesting yourself? If she only talks about shoes or other things that couldn't possibly be interesting to you then she probably isn't a good match for you anyway...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): OP with all due respect to the ladies before me, ignore what they say they look for.
I'm not trying to be ignorant it's just what ladies say they want and what they actually go for at 18-21 are two very things.
Case in point: http://gizmodo.com/5910421/why-women-date-assholes
OP the most important aspect of dating is knowing what you want, not what they look for. It's what you're looking for that matters. Are you looking to get laid regularly, are you looking for love, are you looking for a companion, which? Because no matter who you are there will be women that want you and are looking for exactly you. That's a fact. What you want matters more because pretty much all women say they want a nice, polite guy, with a career, who's funny, interesting, etc. Then ask those ladies which guys they ended up with at your age and you'll see that what they want and who they've been with are two very different things, especially given that it takes a long time for most women to settle and actually go for the nice, polite guy.
OP girls your age aren't women yet, they're still growing, learning and making mistakes. Who is going to peak their interest more the guy who tries, the guy who all the other girls like and have been with? Or the guy who tries to have deep conversations with them?
Forget what women want and figure out what you want and how to get it. You're not going to get it by trying to figure women out, you never will because they defy logic in all ways. They want equality but if you don't pay for meals, you're cheap. They want nice, polite gentlemen yet their dating history is a big long line of assholes. They hate the media perpetuated pressure to be beautiful, yet they starve themselves, put on fake tan and do everything in accordance with that stylized version of beauty. No woman will ever say they want to be in an abusive relationship yet 1/5 of them are currently in one. Etc. etc.
Okay look, the above are very broad generalizations that really don't apply to all women but my point is the same.
You can only be you, don't change yourself to fit into some mould of what you think women want. You're quite simply never going to have every single thing on that list and the majority of that list is just fantasy anyway.
You sit back and analyze them all you want, what you should be doing is actually trying. Vetting girls on whether they're girlfriend material, not the other way around.
If you lack confidence around women then stop seeing them as some magical creature, they pick their noses, fart, scratch their arses, they're just normal people. Your mother and sisters are women, are you shy around them? Why not?
Well just view all other women in the same way, be as relaxed with them because they're the exact same as your mother and sisters etc. How do you do that? By just talking to them. Any excuse you can just talk to them. About anything and nothing.
Take them out from under your microscope and go out and experience them. Talk to them until you're comfortable talking to any girl. Ask them out on dates. Figure out what works and doesn't by trying and not being afraid of not succeeding.
The only way any of us have relationships is by getting out there and trying.
The key is confidence, shoot from the hip and be afraid of nothing. I could tonnes of embarrassing things I've said or done that have ruined chances with girls or blown it most are downright hilarious too but it never bothered me at all. As for sense of humour mine offends most people but there are plenty that share my humour as there are for you.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 May 2012):
 I personally like to talk about current affairs, I do have an interest in science so I wouldnt mind talking about that too. But you will struggle to find many girls that like these kinds of things - so you might be safer asking questions about the girl and what she likes, then you can judge for yourself if you can talk about your interests.
If you look at a girl you can fairly easily tell what sort of girl she is and what her interests will be - on a broad level. If you see a girl that is heavily made up, with fake tan, fake eyelashes, long hair, high heels, very dressed up....then she probably is not the kind of girl that is interested in politics and science. She probably will like fashion, tv, music, films and clubbing..etc.
If you see a girl who is a bit more casual, who doesnt wear much make up and is more natural then chances are she is going to have broader interests than simply TV and going out drinking.
Sometimes men are their own worst enemies - they see the really attractive girls and chase after them because they think she's hot, but in reality they have nothing in common! So dont simply focus on a girl's looks and go after the really attractive ones, often they dont have much going on upstairs and can be difficult to talk to. I am generalising though, and they are some attractive women who are also clever and into current affairs - but lets be honest, they are in the minority.
Try joining a debating club, or local political group...something like that, where you share interests with the people in these groups. That way you have more chance of meeting a girl you have something in common with.
But yes you are safer asking about the girl - that is always a good way to start because you are showing her you are interested in her as a person. But make sure you are not firing question after question at her, she wont want to feel like she is being interviewed! If she says something and you find you have an interesting story to add on that subject, or you have had a similar experience then talk about that for a short while.
Lets take meeting a girl in a bar/club for example. You see her, like the look of her, she's at the bar - so you go to the bar too and stand next to her waiting to buy a drink. You smile, say hi my name is xxxx, she will hopefully respond and tell you her name is xxxx. Once that is out of the way, you start the ball rolling with 'are you having a good night? What do you think of the music in here' - that helps you find out the type of music she's into. Lets say she replies with 'oh I hate the music in here, I much prefer rock'. You then say 'oh I really love rock too, my favourite band is xxxx and I went to see them live a few weeks ago, they were amazing. What was the last band you went to see live?" - She then replies with 'Oh wow I love that band, I have always wanted to see them. I went to see xxxx a couple of weeks ago though, and I'm going to xxxx festival in the summer so I'll get to see some cool bands then'. You say "that's cool, I've always wanted to go to a festival, have you ever been to a festival before or is this your first time?"......and the conversation follows on.
That is a very generic example of conversation - but you get the point. You are asking her questions, so you seem interested, but you are also giving little snippets of your interests too so she can see that you have things in common and it makes you appear interesting because you are talking a little about yourself and what you like.
But if you want some safe subjects to talk to girls about, here you go - holidays (i.e. what is the best place you've ever been on holiday to/travelling to), music, films, work/uni/school and TV.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all,
The responses are exactly what I expected, thanks. I just have a couple of small questions:
K c100: What do you mean by interesting? I'm always afraid that I'll bore women because in general seem to talk about different things than guys do. Do women talk about current affairs or politics or science? Somehow I get the feeling that either women don't want deep conversations at my age. Should I play it safe and ask about them?
chigirl: I laugh quite a lot while I'm with my friends but I'm only the cause of that laughter the minority of the time and even then most of it is unintentional clumsiness with words rather than wit.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 May 2012):
If you want to know if you are any fun then ask yourself how much you laugh every day. If you rarely laugh then you are not much fun. If you often have a laugh and smile, then you are fun. Simple as that.
Now, "boyfriend material" just covers the basics, you know. The rest of what you add on top of the basics is what decides what sort of person will be interested in you. But the basics are easier to think of. This is my own personal opinion:
Honest. Not a sleazebag who just wants sex and is a "smooth talker". Hate that.
Has a job, can KEEP a job.
Doesn't have a mental issue or sickness.
Is not temperamental.
Is around the same age as me, but at least 25 years old.
Has good values (isn't a criminal for example).
Is nice and caring.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 May 2012):
Ok well here is what I look for in a guy:
- Good manners
- Gentleman
- Physically attractive
- Makes me laugh
- Affectionate
- Intelligent
- Generally a 'happy' person
- Shares things in common with me
- Interesting (keeps a conversation going and has lots of interesting things to talk about)
- Attentive
That's about it really - as long as we click and have things in common, and we can have a laugh then that is all that matters really. I definitely dont like the guys that try the 'treat them mean, keep them keen' idea, a bit of banter with each other is good but it needs to be mutual...i.e. both the girl and guy take the mick out of each other and it is a laugh, rather than the guy constantly teasing the girl.
As long as you are yourself and dont try and be something you're not then eventually you will find a girl who likes you for you. Confidence is needed, but too much confidence makes guys appear arrogant so that is not good either.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 "tend not to try to be funny other than accidentally"
Are you or are you not naturally funny? Do you have a good sense of humor? Many women like a man with a good sense of humor or a funny man. In fact, I would never date anyone that didn't have a great sense of humor or someone that can entertain me.
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