A
male
age
41-50,
*SOHaven
writes:Let me start by explaining myself or rather my past. I knew my ex-wife for 10 years, married 7. 4 years into my marriage she broke a few of my core values. This created a loveless marriage for three years until it ended. I had one relationship after my marriage but I had to end it. I ended it because through my friends they taught me that I deserve to have EVERYTHING I WANT in a relationship. Keep the list short but don't settle for anything less. Which is exactly what I did with my ex wife. It was hard to break up with this new relationship because we got kind of close and we had a crush on each other for so long. Yes, even during my marriage but I did nothing with it. I remained faithful. But when the marriage ended....oh man, that new relationship started up quick. I wasn't worried about rebounding as I mentioned before, my marriage was loveless for three years. I was over my wife long before the divorce. But there were certain things about this new relationship that I just wasn't getting. In fact, it's still hard and I'm kind of still getting over it. Probably because I work with this person (sort of) and I see her sweet face every day. But I know we would not work out and I can't do that to myself again.Ok, so on with the problem. I'm in a second relationship since my marriage ended. OMG!!!!!!! I don't even know where to begin. I think this best describes it:During my marriage I would constantly see couples interacting with each other and it would make me sad because I didn't have "THAT". What they had. It was many different things (I'm speaking of the entire marriage not just the loveless part). Holding hands, kissing in public, her arms around him....wanting him. Wanting to be close. Showing their love for each other. Playing with each other. All these things I would try to incorporate into my marriage only to be rejected. "I'm too hot", "I'm too big for that", "People can SEE!". This new girl I'm with has filled every empty hole my heart has ever felt. I can't think of one single thing I could possibly want more of. She's everything I've ever wanted. Being 33 I'm pretty sure I have a max list of that now.I feel myself falling in love with her. But I'm heavily guarded with that. One night we got close, very close. I let my guard down and I let her know I was falling in love with her. I think her brain mixed that with proclaiming full love. She said, "Don't say that". After talking about it, she didn't mean to say it that way, she was wanting me to not proclaim outright that I love her....not yet. I fully understood.She really wants us to work. As do I. We are crazy about each other. In case you're wondering, we are exclusive. She wants to take it slow. My logical brain wants to take it slow but my heart doesn't know how. I'm afraid I'm going to continue "being married". It's what I know, it's what I'm used to.My biggest fear is that I'll want too much too soon and blow it. I need to better understand "taking it slow". For some people that means sex. I don't think that's going to be the core of it as while we've not gone there yet, we have been very intimate with our bodies. But I'm wondering if I should slow that down anyway for the sake of everything else? For us, I think slow is more in the mind.I know the best thing is to talk to her about "slow" and what it means to her but I'd like to hear from some people about what slow means to THEM before I talk to her. Sometimes we (people) don't get what we mean across very well and I'd like some more understanding going into this conversation.Thanks for your input gals (and guys)!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, loving arms  +, writes (5 March 2009):
slow means something different to everyone, there is no one answer to this questions. The only way to know is to ask her. I also feel from your letter that the otherlady you work with is still under your skin. I think you need to step back and look at things again. We can not judge new partners on past events, everyone is different. You can not know you and this other girl will not work, unless you have special powers and can see into the future. Also i agree to a certain extent that we should have certain 'levels' that we look for in a partner. The thing is a partner(ship) has two people in it and this often equals compremise. everything does not have to be your way. Ideally you'd want to agree on the big issues but smaller things can be discussed and maybe let go.
Hope this helps and hope your future is a happy one.
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