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writes: Well here I am again......my ex and I have been separated for 9 months....lately he has changed hes more receptive and texting me, now me I am hurt I cant play nice anymore...he left me for another woman and says he still communicates with her but he says hes not with her he doesnt want a relationship but does not want a divorce from me.....everyone tells me he doesnt want to come back to me and that is what i am going with......Now I bought a home and he has been there painting it buying over $2000 in renos and he went out and bought me a flat screen tv I am still bitter about everything he denies hes with anyone and gets upset if he gets wind of me seeing anyone calling me names he is sending really mixed messages... I really dont know what he wants or what he is doing and to add more to this I found condoms in his car.....he swears he never used them duh not those but where are the other ones .......what does this man want???????????? And he persists on saying hes going to put my fence up even when i freak on him on the phone......I am so confused!!!!!!
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female
reader, B123  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 Aww I am so sorry you are going through this - hugs. If its any consolation - my present baby daughter's father married another lady right after I gave birth to her and to this day refused to ever say hello to the child calling her MY CHILD ONLY. When I was 8 months gone, she found out what he did and still married him..nuts. I told him to come to the hospital and at least see the child once and I will go out of the room if necessary just to be fair to the child. Now the authorities here are trying to find him to this day as he fled the country and has dodged child support and now owes them. SO even if your ex-husband was hiccied..take solace that he still wants to know his daughter and be in her life. Some kids don't even get that from their dads. Secondly, his new relationship with that gf is not going to last. What she has done is v possessive and crazy..it just tells me she is v insecure. She must have some idea about what he has done to you via her and is ultimately scared he will do that to her...and already marking her territory for you to see. That is v hurtful. I get what you mean. But remember this - what comes around goes around. Thirdly, you are better off. I know you don't feel it right now. You have a beautiful daughter so why not spend some time with her to take your mind off him?? the more you get out now..the easier it will get with time to move on. I know you still love him and I totally understand the devastation you feel...but it will get better ok? it will...you keep telling yourself that every day and you do other stuff and soon you will realise you don't actually have the time to think about him so much you got so many other things going on...do you have any hobbies you could pursue that perhaps you didn't do when you were with him? go to some classes or something where you can meet new people...embrace your new future with open arms...and every time you feel yourself getting a pain in your chest on the inside - close your eyes - take a deep breath - and archive it..leave him in your past and you will start to heal quicker. Keep the good memories and like I say preoccupy your mind with other events and things..get busy...let them be together..I am absolutely certain the relationship he has with her was done on the rebound from you. Rebound relationships rarely survive so take solace. I know you will still have to see him as you have a daughter together..I understand that...but you know you need to get out there and meet someone new, grieve this relationship and then let it be but before you go with someone new, take some alone time and be happy...its great to be single. Its not as bad as society make it look on tv and there is no shame in it. Keep his visits with daughter like a business transaction - that way it hurts you less emotionally. The sooner you let go - the sooner you will find peace. I know you don't want to right now as you wonder in the back of your mind...could it still be recovered..like I say if it is to be recovered it would take a v long time for the trust to ever be restored. If you want to go that path, that is up to you...but considering how he is CURRENTLY hurting you and devastating you - why let him break your heart anymore?? you need to take care of YOU.. you need to put YOU first for once. I am here if you need me...just PM me if you need someone to help you through this process. Losing can be winning my dear. That was the best thing that was ever said to me when I was experience the torment that you are right now. You are tormenting yourself every time you think about this man. Let it go..if it is to be again..you will see after all with time...if not then so be it...like I say you gotta ask the question..WHY would you want him back EVEN IF he was the best husband on the planet...HE DECIDED to kill your relationship and now you must mourn it like a death. That is why you are in agony. When I lost my child and she died in my arms it was much more painful than losing a relationship and I can say from experience it will get less raw with time. You just don't feel that right now. I lost my relationship right after her death and it was like losing a marriage and was like another death...so yeah look after you - don't waste any more time on this. Don't even go into the WHY's or the woulda coulda shoulda world. You get me? cos right now you are living in that world and its only causing you more grief. I think you have enough to deal with right now...so let it go...and get out there and even get your hair done...the better you look - the better you will feel about yourself right now. This experience is so traumatic it has currently got your self-esteem on an all time low. You have not failed. You are just going to make your future much brighter than before :) hugs. Take care and I am always here if you need me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you...and it seems she is very upset that he did alot of work for me he even bought me a big screen tv..I feel terrible in a way I feel he was setting up house for himself...it was crazy....he doesnt live with her she is an hour away ...so the weekend he came back to work for me he was all hicckied up on his neck something he hated seeing on him his daughter was disgusted but in the end i figured out she wanted to mark her territory ....it hurts..I have to say I am devastated I feel so lonely and just lost..how could he do this to me, but I have to hide the tears from my kids and let them know I am ok....but all the memories race through my mind this man was the most caring husband for me he would do anything sometimes too much the most sweet husband that anyone could have....I dont know what happened I really loved him and still do...the woman he doesnt admit that shes his gf ...so its up in the air she has his pic on her msn and says she loves her honey and kids and career..i cant believe that its him in the pic....I am just devastated....
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female
reader, B123 +, writes (7 June 2011):
I think his current lady is actually jealous that he still harbours love for you and she went a bit loopy at you trying to push you away. Chances are she said that back to him which is making him feel bad for you. I make a bet she doesn't know about the stuff he has been trying to do for you while he is with her...so yeah why not let them be together...cos if he did that to you - he will do that to her. I would just laugh her off - take it with a pinch of salt...and get out there girl...god damn it..he made a big mistake and now guess what you get the last laugh. LOSING CAN BE WINNING :) think about it..you might end up with an even better relationship in the future...like I said its more of a blessing. It also looks like he told her you were to blame but guess who did the damage in the first place he did it..but to get over the guilt factor and so he doesn't lose her he has concocted lies in order to keep her affections but you both know the truth...so yeah kick him to the curb...you will be happier in the long run. I like what Red Athena wrote. AND well Handy Andy..sounds like Bob the Builder to me...lol. Can he fix it? (Instead of yes he can...) I think in this case its more NO you can't its f'ckd. I hope I haven't offended you and I hope you get a laugh over what I have written... and if he thinks you are needy and pathetic I think he will be choking on the divorce papers if you get it over and done with quickly...who is needy now? I think possibly him! The happier you are even if you see him - the better in the long run. I sincerely wish you all the v best.
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (6 June 2011):
 He is probably playing with her head too and telling her a bunch of lies. Her coming after you to "inform" you strikes as jealousy-maybe because he is doing things for you?
Of course he has to come up with a story to cover himself.
I think he is doing all these "chores" to make himself look good. That is what my ex did. Then I FORBID him from his "help" which drove him nuts!
Here I am three years later and completely self-sufficient. He still offers "help" (only tasks he is willing to do and without EVER consulting me, he would just come over and do them!).
I took control over his unsolicited help by first telling him he was trespassing at my home and if he did it again, I would put report him to the police for harrassment and get a restraining order. That prevented him from coming over whenever he wanted.
Next, whenever he pestered that something needed to be done I would respond, "No Thanks, but I really need the ______ done if you want to make yourself useful".
I know that would not work with just anyone, but for HIM telling him WHAT to do suddenly had him heading to his home. If I ever ASKED for anything, he would find ways to make sure I NEVER got that. (Smiles) I used HIS weakness to MY advantage.
Good Luck and Best Wishes. Your certainly deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy update.......it turns out the woman is his girlfriend she told me by email and said my husband didnt want her to tell me .....you all are right I have become a convenient person for him someone on a back burner and I am going to get a divorce... I am very disgusted at him I trully thought he was doing things for me from the heart the whole time he told her I was needy and pathetic and thats why he was helping I swear I never asked for help he came over on his own......she emailed me blasting me telling me that I was desperate and needed to move on....and that I ruined the marriage and that he deserved a good life...I cant believe what he has done to me.....but I am a survivor all I know is that I would of never done that to another woman call her names when she is down.... I believe she will be his Karma....and that is the Bitch he will have to deal with in the future....excuse my language.. thank you all for the advice....and you all are so good at it.... xoxoxox
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (3 June 2011):
Added thought..
You have a RIGHT to be bitter at this time. He screwed up and you dont LIKE IT. He wants the easy way back in.
Does he think putting a tool belt and playing "Handy Andy" will make the hurt go away?
Me thinks not.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (3 June 2011):
Three things I would do immediately.
1-See a counselor to address all the emotions you are going throught.
2-See a lawyer if only to find out your personal rights and what YOU would need to proceed with divorce. It is not just HIS choice.
3-Hire a handyman and stop mentioning things that can be done around the house. When he comes around-it just opens you up to feeling vulnerable and stirs up all the feelings that you need to process. (See suggestion #1)
Good Luck and Best Wishes.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 I agree with B123, excellent advice...you need to step away because the man has you on a string with no real confirmation of wanting you back.
He has had affairs, how did he feel about you then?
He left you for another woman, how did he feel about you then?
Obviously it's not worked out with the 'others' but he's not ready to 'get back' into the marriage because he's a cheater.
You, my darling, have become a convienient and familiar port in a storm. So he's bought stuff and done some house repairs for you...I'd call that a guilty conscience...but people don't change.
He's got some front accusing you of being 'bitter'...I don't think there is a woman on the planet who wouldn't be bitter in that event. By accusing you of bitterness, he is almost blaming you for the fact he can't walk back into your life,when in all reality, he doesn't really want to. It's a clever ploy to keep you in the net.
Give him the shock of his life...go out and find yourself someone else...leave him hanging because thats what he deserves.
Good luck and keep us posted
Em x
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female
reader, B123 +, writes (3 June 2011):
Its sounds to me like you are really hurting from his mixed signal behaviour. Perhaps the best thing FOR YOU to do now..is simply step away from this situation before you drive yourself mad. You need to think what is best for you now. You saw he left you for another woman. You guys are still married - you suggest from your update that he had multiple affairs and cheated on you. So maybe you need some alone time and maybe a divorce would be a good thing. Its not necessarily a failure. Its not your fault that he screwed around. Its not your fault that he turned out the way he did. It is what it is. Why hurt yourself anymore? He is hurting you v badly. Why pick his calls? Why speak to him? you still love him I guess. You need to ascertain what you want now. A) you can give him another chance but then you take the risk of him cheating on you again. If you do decide to take him back it will take a long time before the trust can be ever restored. B) You divorce - you move on and you get CLOSURE for once and for all which to me sounds like your best option. You don't have to put up with this ambivalence. Why would you even want him back? He is blowing hot and cold and on his terms. He is suiting himself at your expense that is why you are being so bitter to him on the phone. Normal. ALSO what worries me is: He is being hot when his other relationship doesn't go so well and cold when he is getting on well with his new lady.
If you move on and start dating someone new yourself...they will not want to date you until you are divorced..so remember that maybe this divorce thing is actually a good thing and why be bitter? My ex did horrendous things to me too and my baby ended up dying on me - his cheating happened after her death which felt so unfair at the time and although I wasn't married to him - we were together a long time - about three years. All I will say is..your feelings and heart needs to heal..and you need to PAMPER YOU..it will get better and less raw with time. Don't speak to him until you feel okay. Why not do 'no contact' for 30 days and give yourself some breathing space. Even if he never contacts you again..why would you want to go back?? he has already broken your heart...OKAY so he did you wrong and you feel you made a bad choice but its up to you to change the future..you can and you will but you need to be happy in your life and care less for his...and get your life back...all too often we lose ourselves in our relationships and I am sure you don't want to think of your marriage as being co-dependent...so get out of your house and now he is doing all these things out of guilt...why cos you are now a challenge to him again! so why be available. Meet someone new..and if not now..you will anyway..plenty more fishes and like I say its upto you what you do..but I wouldn't hesitate to divorce and re-build the life you REALLY want to have before this eats away at you anymore than it already has. The happier you are - the better - if you want to move on. Find peace within yourself and be happy with yourself. Forget about him. He made his choice and now he will have to live with it. Think of YOU - if you need me I am here and you can mail or PM me on this if it helps you have an outlet to vent to. Take Care and hope I have helped.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI mentioned the fence what I meant was I need a fence to be built on my property and he has offered to build it for me.....I just dont know what hes thinking....is it guilt or does he want to come back someday he doesnt want to be with me he says I AM BITTER.... because of the affairs he had..go figure...what does he want????????
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