A
male
age
41-50,
*arrybaggs
writes:I'll keep this as brief as I can.A girl I really like. We work together. The word got out I liked her. She was getting back with a bf so rejected me.At work I was pleasant if I saw her but our paths rarely crossed. I tried to avoid her as much possible anyway.Eventually we'd chat a little bit more. She started using my name when we spoke. She'd laugh at jokes I'd be making with other people, like try to get into conversations I was having with other people. She would ask me for help at work with silly, easy things. Anyway, one day I was at a vending machine at work and she came up talking on her phone, presumably her bf, kind of loudly. I ignored her because I thought it would be rude to ignore her whilst she was on her phone (even though usually I'd at least acknowledge someone if they're there). Eventually she stopped talking on her phone and I didn't acknowledge her still. Then eventually she started messing with her phone and phoned someone again.Is she wanting my attention? Or is she wanting an ego boost from me (which I'm not giving)?Thanks
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at work, has a boyfriend, she has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Barrybaggs +, writes (25 May 2014):
Barrybaggs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt means I ask them out and they say no. That, or they push me into a friendship zone when they think I am going to ask them.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 When you say people you meet aren't interested, does this mean you ask for their number or ask them out and they say no'? Or does this mean you get a feeling that they don't like you so you don't bother them any longer, and then perceive that as a rejection?
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A
male
reader, Barrybaggs +, writes (25 May 2014):
Barrybaggs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to just say thank you to everyone who has taken time to reply to this question. Your time, knowledge and opinions are much appreciated.Tisha-1 : yes, it's fair to say I'm shy and lacking in confidence- rejection seems a constant in my life when approaching women. I'm used to it, so I know the feelings it brings. It's not that I cannot handle this. It's more that I'm simply tired of being let down, rejected and being alone.I still see her. She tries to start small talk when I'm there, whether it be commenting about herself being tired, or cold or hungry etc. She waves at me from pretty far away too and laughs kind of over-the-top if I say or do something silly. So I'd argue I'm keeping my crush in check, being polite and not annoying her. But she seems to keen in have me talk to her and I am nice back. She seems to turn up at my office or in the corridors at work where I am quite often, so it's like she's there around me often whereas prior I'd never see her.I'd like to add that I'm a normal guy. I'm fairly social, going to bars, dancing, comedy shows, music shows, parties, friends and family weddings. I'm out all of the time, yet i either don't meet anyone or people I do like aren't interested. When I get a girl who seems vaguely interested in talking to me and tries to be funny and surreal when she's talking to me, I can't help but wonder if there is anything else and that for once, shock horror, someone might be interested in me, or at least might find me intriguing and wanting to engage my attention.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2014):
And based on this one: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-she-trying-to-get-my-attention-does.html you really never worked up the nerve to ask her out because you felt you weren't attractive enough for her.
You could just try to ask her out and deal with the aftermath later, but after what happened a while ago, you don't seem to deal with rejection lightly. After all, you weren't actually rejected by her face-to-face last time, she said she was getting back with a boyfriend.
Why not just strike up an ordinary conversation with her and find out what's been happening in her life? The boyfriend topic would be easy to bring up, as another poster suggested in another of your questions, you could say, 'your boyfriend has good taste in earrings' if she's wearing a pretty pair of earrings. And then see what she says.
And here http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ladies-is-it-a-deal-breaker-if-a.html you basically have written yourself off as a romantic interest because you are bald. Barry, lots of men are bald and have very happy relationships.
I'm getting the sense that you are really insecure and shy about this and that's why you came here. I guess I just wonder if you worked on that perhaps you'd be more likely to ask a woman out without taking a 'no thank you' as a judgement on you as a person.
And there are a lot of questions from 2011 that basically ask the same thing (about a different woman), i.e. does she/could she have a crush on me? So this is a repeat issue for you.
We can take the little out-of-context details to mean one thing, but in the whole picture, then perhaps the focus shifts slightly to another separate, actually more important issue...
Barry, I think the real question for me is, why don't you simply ask the woman out?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2014):
Hi Barry, I found your most recent question about her, which gave more detail: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-crush-has-become-more-attentive-is-it.html
So you are really interested in her, what answer are you hoping for from the aunts here? I get the sense that you want someone to say, 'yes man, she's totally into you, now go ask her out!' But somehow you are waiting for the big green light to ask her out because you are shy or unable to ask her out?
Do you have trouble reading people or just women you have crushes on?
In reading your other question, I think she assumed as you were speaking to her again that things were back to normal and you weren't avoiding her out of embarrassment any longer.
Why not just ask her to go have coffee one day she's hanging out in your office? Or are you avoiding a direct rejection?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): I think it's an ego boost , she likes the attention...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): I disagree that she isn't seeking an ego-boost. There is nothing wrong with that. Knowing someone finds you attractive is healthy for the self-esteem.
Throughout your post and subsequent comments; you are consistent about how she is persistent about being around you; and deliberately seeking attention. Attention from a person you know likes you; although you're already committed. It goes straight for the ego.
It reassures her of her self-worth and sex-appeal; that is the ego!
Women may dislike this observation for their reasons; but females do have egos, and do like to feel pretty and desirable.
They don't make so much effort to be so visible to a single-guy; if they already have a boyfriend. She knows you like her, and may be flattered. She is also a friendly person. So your boyish crush is cute; but should be suppressed. Don't let it rise to fixation. Then you're crossing the line. She is just being nice.
There is nothing wrong with that. You simply have to respect boundaries. The fact she is taken, and you are on the job. Plain and simple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): Given everything you said OP, it's a bit difficult to determine if this girl is seeking an ego boost or trying to be friendly and resume a non-awkward relationship at work. You are so conscious of her presence that you even hear her laugh in the distance even though you're having a conversation with someone else. Have you ever thought that maybe you intentionally talk loud so that she will hear what you're saying? And because you do, it elicits a response from her and, in turn, you think she's trying to get your attention? Maybe she's laughing for another reason. Even if she was laughing at something you said, eavesdropping is common in the workplace. I wouldn't take it as her trying to get your attention. Unless there are more obvious indicators, which none of the ones you described are, just take it simply for what it is. "She never needs to be in my office, but she will come in and use our things sometimes, too."The layout of the office is vague to me. Do you have your own personal, secluded space which she enters or is it shared by multiple people (like a jungle of cubicles)?Basically, what you're saying here is that this girl goes out of her way to use office equipment in your work area even though she doesn't need to. It almost sounds like you're giving yourself the ego-boost - saying that this girl goes through all this nonsense to get you to notice her. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but it's starting to sound like it. Reflect. Maybe you're reading into things too much in order to validate yourself in some way...For example, you could be trying to validate that this girl was never worth liking to begin with since she (supposedly) uses people to build her ego/ It makes the indirect rejection you experienced less hurtful.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2014):
Look, you are overthinking this. You told a colleague you liked her, she reported she wasn't available. It wasn't a rejection of you as a person. She is unavailable. (She should be anyway, because you work together, but that's another discussion.)
She's just being polite. Be polite back. Treat her as you would any other colleague, male or female.
The crush you have on her is getting in your way now, you may be coming off as odd to her and to your co-workers.
Don't assume that she is looking for an ego-boost or that she likes you back in the crush sort of way. Assume she is a colleague looking to keep the workplace a pleasant environment.
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A
male
reader, Barrybaggs +, writes (30 April 2014):
Barrybaggs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never asked her out. I told someone I liked her and this person blabbed to her at a party about it and she told the person she was getting back with an ex so that was that.I appreciate my question seems a bit desperate. But I have tried to just forget and move on, and even in the case of this situation not make myself seem needy for her attention or wanting her to notice me. I thought she didn't want to talk to me either at work, but she eavesdrops and laughs when I'm talking to someone else at a fair distance, then asks for work help from me when should could ask someone else, makes comments about the office being cold or saying something to get a reply if I don't even see her walk in, just things like that. Even if I try forget her, she seems to come up and talk. She never needs to be in my office, but she will come in and use our things sometimes, too.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2014):
Thank you for the followup. Did you ask her out and she said 'no' or did this all happen through rumor and third-party interactions?
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A
male
reader, Barrybaggs +, writes (30 April 2014):
Barrybaggs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo Tisha it is someone else.
I feel embarrassed posting this question, given the overwhelming volume of answers veering the same way.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2014):
Barry, I took a look at your past questions just to see if you'd written about the rejection you experienced, and I found an almost identical question from 3 years ago: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-really-like-this-girl-at-work-does.html
Is this the same woman that you are talking about here?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 April 2014):
 I see no ego boosting either.
nothing you described screams.. attention getting behavior..
I'm with Tisha on this one... if you work with someone you have to be cordial. laughing at their jokes is cordial. using their name.. polite.
as for the vending machine.. you ignored her.. she ignored you right back... no biggie...
you seem to be looking for something that i can't see....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2014):
I don't see where she's begging for your attention here.You say 'word got out I liked her.' So there was gossip going on? Were you being overtly attracted to her or did you tell someone? It sounds so odd. 'Word got out I liked her.' You then go on to say that she was getting back with her boyfriend and so rejected you. Does this mean you asked her out and she said no? Or does this mean she simply ignored the rumors that you liked her and just carried on with normal business?You'll have to be more specific about this.So after the rejection by her of you and the consequent ignoring of her by you, she began to try to speak with you. She used your name, which is common courtesy, it's not odd or unusual to address someone you work with by their name.She laughed at your jokes. Wouldn't it be odd if she was the only person in a group of colleagues who didn't laugh? She asks for help with work items.Look, you work together. Colleagues are polite to another, they laugh at jokes, they address you by name, they do work with you and collaborate from time to time as needed for the requirements of the job.What I think is going through her head is that she just wants to get back to light and easy and polite co-worker status while reminding you she has a boyfriend.Don't act like an offended rejected suitor, you work with her. Be polite, address her by her name, don't ignore her. And don't see more in her actions than is actually there.I don't see ego boosting here. I see a co-worker trying to get back to cordial terms to keep the workplace neutral and not hostile.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): She wants an ego boost as you suspect. She may be having difficulty reconnecting; or having issues with her bf. It may be damaging her self-esteem. Your attention gives her reinforcement that she is attractive and desirable; but you're a band-aid or painkiller for her ego.
Stay on friendly professional terms. At best, trying to get any closer will only make you a substitute or a standby, until she gets matters on track with the man she really wants. Her boyfriend.
She knows you like her, and she will use that to her advantage. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you; just not in the same way as you like her. Nobody likes being a substitute-boyfriend. It's okay if you're gay, we gay men take care of our straight lady-friends in-between relationships. We protect them as their feelings mend.
We don't desire them sexually; but we are still men, and can still connect with them very deeply emotionally.
It's not a good position for a straight guy.
You want sex and affection from the lady. Not just be her shoulder to cry on, and watch over her as she labors to rebuild a relationship with another man.
You're always better off to go after single available women; who are not fresh out of a breakup, or committed to another guy. You don't need the uncertainty of where her feelings lie; or playing second-fiddle to some dude who really could give a sh*t about her. A vulnerable or needy woman will play you on the rebound. Then once they either reconcile with their ex, or come to terms getting back together is futile. You're suddenly a burden, and they want to dump the rebound boyfriend. You!
Don't avoid her. Be a man about it. Just control your feelings and be friendly and professional. You're too old for schoolboy crushes. You sound like a pretty nice guy, or she wouldn't give you the time of day. Don't get played for being a nice guy.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (30 April 2014):
 She wants an ego boost. Her relationship is not great at present so she feels undervalued, taken for granted, insecure, or whatever....so she is flirting with you as a confidence booster.She is clearly blowing hot and cold with you and you don't want her using you to get what she wants form her BF...the old "well this guy at work really likes me and he would do X, Y and Z which your not doing..." routine. You don't want him coming round your place of work to have a punch up or rumours going round that you and her are having it away behind her BFs back. I would be a little less accommodating of this silly girl. Her act is a thin one and more akin to the playground than the workplace. The talking loudly into her phone routine is pathetic. Stay away and don't be scared to be a bit blunt. She will soon get the message.
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