| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Well, I'll try to make this short, but I always wanted to have kids. Or I should say I thought that I'd have kids by now. But I don't and I doubt that I will find someone before I am infertile, to be biologically honest. I recently got out of a relationship which was somewhat perfect for me, but not for the guy I was with. I never deluded myself into thinking he was consistently happy, but I still enjoyed it while I could. Knowing him set a new standard for me and I couldn't settle for someone I felt less for than I felt for him. The problem is that I move slowly and I don't just jump from person to person. I do not engage in casual sex. I wait to get over someone, and that desire to wait gets way more intense as I get older. I didn't get with this last guy I was with, until 5 years after a breakup before this one. Based on how long I waited between these two guys, I am now not looking forward to a period of not feeling moved enough to date someone new until I am almost 40! I mean, I would love to jump into something new tomorrow if it felt right, but sometimes it takes so long to find something that actually feels like it makes sense. I just turned 30, so my fears of my 'dream' never happening are drastically increasing. In the case that none of what I hope for works out, I don't know what the point will be in dating anyways, and I kind of feel hopeless thinking about it. I do love physical and emotional closeness and sex, but I don't believe in marriage unless there are kids involved. I feel like most people change too much in modern times to just be married for the sake of marriage, unless there's something deeper to attend to, like kids. I can't fathom myself being good enough to meet someone in the next 4 or so years where romance leads to respect leads to commitment, leads to kids. On one or both sides in my my past, long term commitment or the sentiment of it has not lasted. Yeah, some have wanted to, but in the long run, things just didn't work out that way. I don't know what to hope or plan for if I keep feeling like I will not have what I've always wanted. Please, do not tell me to get a dog, or to adopt or to work at an orphanage for refugee children. It's unfortunately a biological desire I have to love unconditionally a child of my own who is biologically related to me and someone I love and who hopefully loves or at least respects me in return. I guess that's awful and selfish in one way, but I have the desire to propagate my own strain of this species, ideally with a complimentary specimen. The last guy felt so perfect for this. I can't currently imagine someone who has ever felt as right for this as him right now. And it's difficult to fathom someone who feels more suited than him for this, genetically speaking.Sorry if this creeps any guys out. I don't scope humanity for perfect biological contributors to my dream of having kids. I just date people I really like, and this guy in particular always felt like he'd be perfect to help make a kid with me. I hoped for an accidental pregnancy with him, but it did not happen.What does one do with themselves, when they realize their life plan and biggest hope will never happen?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): Get it out in the open: you are looking for a sperm donor! Then have the child on your own. Is it legal for single women in your country to have sperm injected into them at a clinic? Investigate countries where it is legal, and go there!
Or, if you want the other arrangement: talk to the men you meet/know. Talk to them about your situation, maybe some of them also wants a child but are without a partner and do not wish to wait. Then have sex, or go to a clinic again and have the sperm delivered to you that way (a lot more expensive and with more complications, but you wont have to have sex with this man that way).
People might say it's crazy, but if I was in your shoes, honestly, I might be worse and just have a one night stand without protection. And then just never tell the father or something mischievous like that.
There comes a point where you have to make a decision: wait for the right guy and then possibly not be able to have children, or have children without the right guy, and hope that the right guy will accept your children as well when that time comes around. Loads of men date single mothers, and loads of girls date single fathers.
A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 I think you got a bit of it the wrong way round. You see, most people first date, then get a little more serious, then get married, and after marriage comes the children. Some people don't get married but live as a defecto couple and have children. Others are accidental.
you have plenty of time yet, but try not to let it get to you because it will happen. Try one of these:
firstly, try a professional dating service. Not a website! A proper service that helps you find a like minded match who also wants children of his own that way you get what you want plus alot more bonuses.
Alternitavley, I have a friend who recently had a similar scenario. She went to the lab and got a child that way. some places allow the child or you to contact the biological father at a later date, some don't but I believe you get a choice in the matter.
I hope it works out for you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 February 2010):
You're only 30! There are women having children in the forties now. Granted, the chances of conceiving are less, but don't lose hope yet. You've got plenty of time. You're right to make sure you find the right guy, but don't spend time looking for Mr Perfect. Your boyfriend wasn't Mr Perfect, because he wasn't into as much as he should have been. Knowing that he wasn't as happy, he strung you along. So he's not perfect. Take your time, keep meeting guys and you will find one. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (2 February 2010):
have you tried asking him how he would feel about giving you a child? Maybe he would agree. If fertility is a problem then research IVF.
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