A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on whether to be ok with my fiancé, soon to be wife, going back home for Christmas. Her parents and some of her family live in Florida. About 3 states away. Her sisters live in Texas. She moved here with one of her sisters two years ago and goes home to visit about once a year. This past Christmas she spent it with my family and I. My family lives about 1 hour away from us. She cried this past christmas because she missed her family.Before everyone thinks I'm a jerk for even asking if I should be ok with her going back home, let me explain. Her ex boyfriend lives in the same town as her parents. This past summer we had been dating for about 6 months. She had recently moved in with me and she was going home for 2 weeks to visit her parents.I found out she was texting him the whole time she was there. And even met with him for lunch the day before she came back. She did all this knowing I wouldn't approve and knowing it made me feel like she wasn't respecting our relationship.This ex would call her frequently knowing she had a boyfriend and even made fun of my career. When I got upset about this she defended him saying he was joking and didn't mean it like that. She would only back down when she saw I was really upset. I would get mad when he would call and she said that's why she didn't tell me about it. Because it was an innocent lunch and she didn't think it was worth an argument with me over.I broke it off with her and she begged me to take her back. I did but made my boundaries extremely clear. Which is something I shouldve done from the beginning.She's been amazing since then. More loving, kind, just seems like she is finally giving me %100 of her heart. We get along great and are going to get married. I love her so much and want to just say yes about her going without me, I have to work.But in the back of my mind I am afraid she will get in touch with him again.I don't think she cheated on me before, but she lied to me. Truth is I will never know for sure what happened last time; but I can't handle going through that again.I know if I'm marrying her I should trust her but I can't help it. I trust her completely when it comes to any other guy. But when it comes to this ex, I don't know. She felt really strongly for him in the past. Enough to risk our relationship to see him. I would never do that.What should I do? We have the same cell acct so I can always review her calls but if she really wants to see him she can borrow someone elses phone or contact him another way...Do I just need to let go and trust her? When she came back last time she said she would never go to florida without me if that would get me to take her back so I could always use that; but I know she misses her family.The worst part is he is a sherrif and it's a very small town. So he will know from mutual friEnds if she is in town. And he will try to see her. And I'm thousands of miles away.Help...
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cheated on me, christmas, her ex, moved in, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, simone.siqueira  +, writes (2 February 2010):
If you do not trust your future wife, how should you marrie her? If she is going to do something wrong will never help you try to prevent. There´s no better place or oportunity to cheat. If she is a cheater she will find her own oportunity, otherwise doesn´t matter she is near her ex she won´t do!
Leave her free to do what she wants and trust her, or do not get married!
Good Luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): I posted this question. Thank you for the advice so far. I needed to clarify a few things.
1. She was looking forward to me going with her. But I have to work and I can't take the days off. I know she doesn't have a problem with me going. She actually wishes I would go. But I will use that trick. I will wait till right before she leaves and jokingly tell her I can go and see how she immediately reacts.
2. She did really damage my trust. Even if nothing happened. I guess that is my real problem. Do I completely trust her yet? I know when it comes to everything else I do. If it were a trip anywhere else I would have zero doubts! But since then she has been amazing. It has really helped my trust in her; I think it's just human to second guess myself...
If she's different, I mean a total 180 should I trust her?
I know only I can answer that...what are some things I can go on to see if she did change?
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 Tell her exactly what you wrote here. Even show it to her.
Firstly, if she really truly loves you she will say good bye to him in a flash. And secondly is it worth having a fiancée who gives you these worries? I hope she understands that she probably already damaged your relationship enough.
Also, why can't you go with her??? You guys are getting married right? So why not???
I think she should ask you to come with her. She would be happy for you to come if she truly loved you. But if you say "hey I decided it would be good to come as well" if her face cringes and she goes "oh" and then gives an excuse. You know she's upto something.
She has a lot of work to do to win back your trust ... I'm sorry but it's already damaged enough.
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A
female
reader, junebug81409 +, writes (2 February 2010):
first of all the things she was doimg i would not trust her.she should have never talked whatsoever to her ex.she knew how u felt about him so thats really wrong and to let him make fun of ur career that is messed up.what is her problem?i would tell my bf no until i could trust him but on the other hand that is wrong and pretty bad that i couldnt trust him.if u dont think u can trust her then u need to look at ur guys relationship and see weather or not u guys should b together.im sorry but its the truth.good luck honey im sure ur a good guy and can find some one who wont make u feel like crap.
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