A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm a married woman, mother of 2 and 1 on the way. My husband and I just recently relocated for a better life for the family. We don't know anyone here so we just rely on each other to get to know the area more. So as most parents know, its hard to get alone time with your spouse when you have kids. So my husband and I are trying to fit that into the schedule. Last night the kids were sleep early so I decided to get us some ice cream to eat in bed. After that I suggested we fool around. I start making out with him and he starts massaging my breasts so u go to reach down for his "area" and realize he wasn't even getting hard!! So I told him " what the heck, u don't get hard by touching me anymore?" And his reaction was " oh u wanted to have sex?" So I just told him not anymore and he turned over and went back to watching tv. I was so pissed I stayed quiet and silently cried myself to sleep. I guess my question is what does it mean when your husband doesn't get hard anymore? And do I need to hold a neon sign to tell him I want sex? Why do I have to always initiate it? Any help would be much appreciated.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 August 2013):
 I think the (temporary) insecurities brought on by the move and perhaps by this pregnancy have made you hyper sensitive.
It is not uncommon for men to be reluctant to have sex with a pregnant wife (even if it is your third). It's not a loss of attraction, but a concern that he will cause you or the baby harm. You'd certainly be more cautious about having sex with him if he'd just had his gall bladder removed or had a broken leg or something, right?
Maybe he just wasn't in the mood that night but didn't want to decline knowing how you'd react.
You could have handled it better than you did. You could have simply asked him instead of jumping to conclusions and hurling accusations. And crying yourself to sleep? Very silly. You're a grown woman, not a four year old girl.
You haven't given us any other reason to think your husband has lost interest in you or that there are any other problems. So take this for what it is...a very minor thing.
A
male
reader, commonguy30 +, writes (23 August 2013):
Well it happens. To all men. For whatever reason. But if it happened to me, and my wife said THAT. I would be pissed. Youre lucky he didnt reply by saying, "well how how about you try harder..."
I get pregnancy is difficult, and im sorry how hard things are on you. But if I heard that then it would only make the next encounter more stressful and that makes it harder for your guy to get hard.
Men dont catch cues easily. Next time tell him. How about later after the kids are asleep you and I have some quality time together. You know what turns him on best, do it.
He was probably embarrased and didnt know how to react so he faked interest in tv. And he was probably surprised u wanted to have sex because lets face it, women are unpredictable during pregnancy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2013): Hunni, I would probably have had the same reaction as you. And I'm not pregnant. So you're not crazy.This is an incredibly stressful time for you both. And you will have to be really patient and extra sweet with each other because this is when you need each other the most. And also when you need to be strong for each other. Go figure!I really don't think he's less turned on by you. There's nothing to indicate that. Try to get the kids to bed earlier. Or eat earlier so that in the evening they are quieter and calmer for both of you. Focus on activities that require less running around like reading / colouring / tv / puzzles.And do get the TV out of the bedroom. Spend that half an hour relaxing with each other. Talking or reading or whatever... Caress / stroke / hug each other a lot. Human contact with someone you love is a wonderful destresser! Make the most of it. Eat well, exercise and do yoga. As you both relax, your libido will pick up
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (22 August 2013):
 Sorry, YOU got pissy with him and then CRIED? Perhaps you are under pressure from the relocation and looking after two young children, and I guess you can probably blame the hormones to some extent, but that sounds like the worst reaction possible, second only to laughing in his face.
Do you not think that it was embarrassing and upsetting for him, too?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (22 August 2013):
I can't answer your question with any certainty, by I can confidently say you handled it EXTREMELY wrong!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 August 2013):
 Well Neon,
You asked a direct question and I think it is the best way to address your problem. "what does it mean when your husband doesn't get hard anymore?"
It could mean a lot of things. If you were older there are a number of health issues that should be checked. The top of the list are Diabetes, and high blood pressure. But at your age the #1 culprit is stress. So you recently moved. A new job for him? Preschool kids, pregnancy. Add to all that a wife who rejects him if he doesn't spring to attention like a machine. It's a classic recipe for erectile dysfunction.
So for some down home advice. #1 get the T V out of the bedroom. Getting the kids to bed early was a great idea. Stop thinking that his attraction to you is measured by the strength of his erection. Penises do lie! Try to be less demanding. Be affectionate when you are not in bed. Give him more time to build up. Reduce stress in any way that works for him. Realize that some of this is just the pregnancy hormones talking.
Advice for him if you care to share it. Add some exercise to your schedule that uses the large muscles in your legs. Walking, hiking, running, swimming. Take a zinc supplement daily, also a B complex. See your Doctor just to rule out any other problems. Call your wife so you can talk to her without the kiddies interrupting. Know that pregnancy causes emotions to be unpredictable so pay more attention to how she is feeling, and don't worry if she bites your head off unexpectedly. Be affectionate outside of the bedroom. Find out what relieves your stress, and do it. Avoid stress triggers, like watching the news.
Best of luck to you both,
FA
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A
male
reader, JCN +, writes (22 August 2013):
I am a male and have been married for a few years. Some time ago I had a similar experience when my wife wanted intimacy and I could not perform. I got really scared because that had never happened to me. However, I could not talk freely to my wife about it because I felt if she knew she might think I was “less of a man.” We men are extremely proud and sensitive about not “performing on demand” He may fake interest in something else, ignore you or do something else that may annoy you but I know he is probably even more upset and scare that you are.We men have erections several times during any day, that is normal. I first noticed that that happened to me but I knew I could not mention it to my wife without her getting upset. I thought that she would start asking me whether I was thinking on somebody else to get excited and, in addition to my sexual angst, would create a problem in my marriage so I decided to keep quiet. Like you, she got upset when she wanted to be intimate and I could not do it. I had to invent her a story that I was tired and distracted but in reality I was mortified. I preferred her to be upset by my insensibility than by my lack of male performance. However, a few weeks later that issue went away and without noticing we started having normal intimacy again. It have not had that problem ever since. At that time I was under an enormous work related stress and I think that was the reason. After the stress was gone I resumed my normal married life. Please try to understand your husband, this is something very delicate for us as males.
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A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (22 August 2013):
 If he was in his 40s or older, I'd say his "down there" area probably just isn't working as well as it used to. If he is between 22-25 like you, it could be a number of different things. One, you mentioned you have to try and fit it into your schedule. That almost makes it seem like a chore, or not as exciting if it's "planned". I don't know about you, but I find sex to be so much more exciting if you don't plan it, and it just happens. Maybe the having to plan for it all the time has killed the "thrill" for him. It could also be a case of too much masturbation, and/or porn. If he's gotten used to being stimulated a certain way, a different way won't do it for him. I would try to have a discussion with him about it. There's really no other way you can get to the bottom of it. Don't get angry with him, just listen to what he has to say.
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