A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been together 19 years. We have not had a normal or regular sex life for most of it. We have talked the issue to death and yesterday she agreed she will see a therapist. (I always initiate and she always refuses.) My own pop psychology is that if she was happy with me like she used to be then she would want to make love with me like she used to. Therefore, she needs to tell me what is lacking or what I need to do in order for us to work through this. I asked her if she is happy in our relationship. She said she is, except for the fact that she feels smothered by me. What does she mean by this? I think it means that she feels I am too controlling. Is that what this means? I am a little confused by the term. What should my response be in order for her to feel less smothered? Obviously in a marriage neither party has the freedom he used to enjoy as a single person whether that means choosing home decor, deciding on make or model of car, or even to some extent who his friends may be. To that extent all marriages have an aspect of smothering some of our independence. I call that give and take. Apparently she thinks she is coming out on the wrong end of that or that it is imbalanced. How do two people reconcile if say, one party thinks he is giving up too much control while the other party thinks not enough has been relinquished? Is there always room for compromise? I would appreciate any books or other materials addressing these sorts of situations.Obviously, I assume the therapist will pursue this angle, but in the meantime I am trying to sort through things on my own.
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male
reader, oosie  +, writes (6 May 2011):
Dude make a plan. She feels box in by too much ttrouble through rules. Litterally cant breath anymore . Give her a bit of opportunity. EG. let her come home and have everything set for her for a back masage which releases stress. It will fix all . Try it
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (6 May 2011):
 Yep, it sounds like you are a control freak, at least in her opinion. You might want to also visit a therapist.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 May 2011):
 Not wanting to have sex can also be hormonal. If she is in menopause or close it can make women turn off sex completely.
On top of the therapist (which I think is a good idea) she might want to get a doctor appt as well. (I wouldn't force it though, maybe the therapist will suggest it too)
Also how have your sex life been? Boring? exciting? the same? over all these years? Maybe (no offense) it jsut doesn't do a thing for her, which is definently an issue that needs to be addressed.
The smothered part? Is this a "pony" (subject) you bring up a lot? Have you asked her to explain what she means exactly?
Now I assume you will be seeing a therapist too? Either together or with separate appointments ?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 Being smothered is not about wanting to live as a single person. Being smothered can mean so much, but in general it is about not having a space of your own or peace of mind to think. Like someone else always nagging, or wanting something off of you. She could be feeling smothered by your desire for sex, no matter how reasonable. Feelings aren't always reasonable, so her feeling smothered might not be well grounded, but it is how she feels anyway.
It could mean so much, but I want to put emphasis on that it does not mean she wants to live as a single person, nor does it necessarily mean you control her too much. Speaking from personal experience, I feel smothered if someone always wants my attention and I can't be allowed to be by myself. I'd feel smothered if someone kept deciding what I was to do, over my head without asking me first (which isn't the exact same as controlling). For example surprises makes me feel smothered. Like a surprise trip, when I had other plans. Again, it comes down to decisions about me being taken without me being consulted. I hate that. Surprise visits for example, or surprises in general.
Then again, she might love surprises for all I know, so this is all individual.
It could also be that she feels smothered because you constantly talk to her about this topic. Again, like I said before, her feelings might not be justifiable. Talking about a matter that could ruin your marriage is important, but it could still be what is causing her to feel smothered.
I think all in all you need to try to not interpret her every word. If she doesn't make herself clear, ask her to explain it to you so you understand. If she doesn't know how to explain better, accept that and try not to over-think it. In time she might find ways to tell you how she feels/thinks/wants/needs.
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