A
male
age
36-40,
*d12345
writes:I'm nearly 26 and a virgin. After losing patience with finding love, I finally worked up the courage to visit a brothel... twice. I failed both times. On the second occasion, the prostitute was trying very, very hard to get me hard and she was obviously offended when I failed.This has left me very confused. A lot of questions are swimming around in my head.Do I have some sort of problem? Was I just too nervous? (But then what if I'm just as nervous with a real girlfriend?)Are most men able to have sex with women they don't find particularly attractive/don't care about?If I did fail with a girlfriend, would she consider dumping me?I have spoken about it with one friend, and was told that some people cannot divorce the act of sex from the emotional connection. That would make me feel more "normal", but it would also discourage me in my (very frustrating) search for love. If it turns out that I'm picky in that regard, then I think, "What's the point in trying?" I'm obviously not a valuable prize in the market for boyfriends, and I can't really afford to be picky with the few opportunities I get.I'm sorry if this is unclear. I can clarify further in the questions section. I'm very confused at present.
View related questions:
divorce, prostitute Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Ed12345 +, writes (24 December 2010):
Ed12345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to thank everyone for writing comments, and wish a merry Christmas to everyone. I have some family around, so can't talk at length for a few days.
As a quick note to the long answer below, I did meet a girl who I REALLY liked earlier on this year. At the time I met her, she had just got together with somebody else. I stayed in touch with her for a while, but didn't try to split them up (it's not right). I didn't feel that nervous with her, so you may be right about that. Let's just hope there are more like her in the world, and that they're not all taken!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): As you have stated, women like confidence. But I want you to know that the words you have written come from a confident man... You know who you are and you know that you are wired differently from many other males... but do you want to know what? Maybe that is a good thing.
This may sound corny, but when you meet someone with a heart... who cares for you... and who you care for... believe me, you'll surprise yourself. You will be more than just fine...
I think it is absolutely wonderful that you are who you are... you are a gem in today's world and a true catch for a deep and feeling woman. Speaking as a woman, it is not about performance... I've never just jumped into bed with anyone... there were always dates and time spent together that led up to intimacy... It was a gradual thing... I wouldn't want to show up and have sex with anyone... that isn't my cup of tea either... so you are not strange.
Remember, the things that make us seem 'weird' are sometimes the very things that make us rare and valuable in this world. For me... the greatest aphrodisiac was always laughter. If a guy made me laugh... well, he had my interest.
There has been so much focus on sex, performance, etc.. and so much promiscuity that it is ridiculous... it has become unnatural in many ways. I believe that things happen naturally. I actually dated until I was 35 when I finally married my husband... When I was dating I never jumped into the sack right away... sometimes it was several weeks or months before intimacy. And, I didn't sleep with everyone I went out with.
I needed a connection and I needed to know that I was valued before I'd ever go that route...
Forget about the sex act... just set it aside for now. Focus on having a good time and making friends... laughter... enjoyment... connecting. Find unique opportunities to meet other people of quality (cooking classes, dine around groups, trips/vacations for singles, church, foreign language classes, etc.,,) and have a good time. Make friends. You know, when you REALLY like someone... I bet everything will be more than just fine... it will be perfect. So don't worry about it...
I believe that you are going to make some lucky girl very happy one day...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): It's normal to be nervous. I am with a woman who is the first new partner I've had in over 20 years (I'm recently divorced). It took me over half a year before we had normal penetrative sex. I was just so riddled with pain and loss over my divorce, plus our relationship started a bit rocky, so sex was not "automatic".
Many times in the past I failed because I thought I was one night stand material, and I wasn't. I simply respect women too much to just "dump and run".
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): You are gonna have to overcome another hurdle. Even IF (and that's a big if) you find a girl which by now you know from experience (not lies) to be highly unlikely.
You're gonna have to accept that the chances that she will also be a virgin are zero and you'll have to accept her promiscuous past. Because the feeling that you know you are sloppy seconds/fiftieths is a absolutely horrible feeling.
...............................
A
female
reader, annakat  +, writes (22 December 2010):
 It seems like you've already found the answer to your question but I just wanted to reaffirm that there's nothing wrong with you and that you'll find someone worth losing your virginity to. As a woman I think it's very sexy when a guy is still a virgin. It means he's smart and not one of those guys who sleeps around. When you do find someone worthy of your virginity (and you will) she's going to love you for it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ed12345 +, writes (21 December 2010):
Ed12345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think that anonymous may be right. The experience has demoralised me somewhat. I'm glad to have had the experience: I know the truth and not the myth about prostitution now. Also, I've got it out of my system. It's very difficult being this age, and watching your friends get married and engaged, when you cannot get anywhere with a woman no matter what you try. I've decided not to return to a brothel now, but I had to try it.
I thank everybody for their supportive comments. It's good to know that there's nothing unusual about my failure to function.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): I believe prostitution is demeaning, and demoralizing to everyone involved. You should give your virginity to someone you love and who you have a real relationship with. A lot of women like shy men. Find a girlfriend who is patient and who loves you and just let things happen naturally. If a woman rejects you because of this she's not worthy of you. Try to find a more dominant woman who can show you the way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Princess Aunty  +, writes (21 December 2010):
I think you had taken a wrong step by trying to break your virgin with a prostitute. I mean being a boy and still virgin at the age 26 is a great thing as a whole. And then you decided to break your virgin with a prostitute. According to me you please keep your virgin and break it up with your girlfriend like someone who you love and care for. Because this gona be memorable for you and stick up into your mind. So then every time you are reminded of your first time, there shall be a cute face in front of you not a face that suggest :- ''come on lets get to business''
so now let me answer your question :-
yeah you might have been too nervous since it was your first time. It happens with everyone you know. No you do not have any sort of problem.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ed12345 +, writes (20 December 2010):
Ed12345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the response! I think that you're definitely right about the pressure of time, the unpleasant environment and the knowledge that I was only doing it because I couldn't get a girlfriend in the real world. They don't add up to a romantic situation.
I know that women like confidence a lot. I wish they didn't. The trouble is that, if you're nervous by nature, there is very little you can do to get confident; you can only act for a while. Also, I've sometimes been told that I'm "trying too hard" when I try to be confident, which is also seen as a bad thing.
A downward spiral that I've got into is that all my friends are fairly quiet and prefer nights inside. I sometimes think that it would be nice to revolutionise my life, get into a new social circle and have more opportunities. It's hard to find time to do this now that I'm older and in a professional job, plus I'll always be the same quiet person underneath it all. Visiting a prostitute seemed like a quick answer to my problem at a time when the long answer was just too long. It seems now that the prostitute option is off the cards, so I'll have to go back to the long slog of trying to find a girlfriend.
...............................
A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (20 December 2010):
 i think deep down you know going to see a prostitute is like settling for second best and you know you can do better your also going to be under pressure and stress and this does not cause a happy surrounding in which helps. perhaps your just not trying hard enough to socialise and get yourself out their. and a good women which you shall find one day if you help fate out will be very patient and understand and if she isnt then she surely isnt a good and understanding person so she is not the one. you need a bit more confidence and a wee bit more faith here. i dont think their is anything wrong with you at all good for you being a virgin for so long. good luck aphex
...............................
A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (20 December 2010):
i think deep down you know going to see a prostitute is like settling for second best and you know you can do better your also going to be under pressure and stress and this does not cause a happy surrounding in which helps. perhaps your just not trying hard enough to socialise and get yourself out their. and a good women which you shall find one day if you help fate out will be very patient and understand and if she isnt then she surely isnt a good and understanding person so she is not the one. you need a bit more confidence and a wee bit more faith here. i dont think their is anything wrong with you at all good for you being a virgin for so long. good luck aphex
...............................
|
