A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for a total of three years, in this space of time we have broken up twice because I have been unhappy. We started out pretty bad- He went out with someone else when we were on a break and then led her on for another 4 months, he had a one night stand with a girl from London, he met a lady 11 years older than him and started seeing her without bothering to break it off with me... He slept with my best friend and I only found out five months later, the day after I found out I went to his house to find him naked on his bed with another girl... these are the worse incidents but there are others besides All of which these things I have had to find out for myself. As far as I know he has not cheated since we got back together, he begged me back and pleaded that he would stay monogamous but even now when he claims he is faithful he has a guilty and paranoid conscience, he will flip out if I am out with my friends and there happens to be a boy there, he has to know exactly who I am with and where when I go out and he will run his mouth if I want to meet one of my friends for a drink. There have even been occasions where I have not been able to see my friends without him being there shadowing me and having a go at me for not advertising my unavailability to any other person in the room e.g. we will be at a party which he will tell me he is going to go to even if he's not invited just to make sure 'I behave myself' and while I am trying to socialize he will stand next to me or have a go at me for not staying in the same place with him... stupid things like this. He tells me he is not paranoid but rather paranoid of other guys because 'he knows what their like' and makes constant references and digs about my ex boyfriend (who I have not been in contact with since 2010). He will get funny about particular clothes I wear because he thinks wearing leggings is too revealing and he hates me wearing tank tops because he thinks I don't need to dress nice for anyone. I sometimes feel like the only freedom I do have is online because as moody as he gets about me being on social networking it's the only thing he does not have control over when I am at home, although in the past he has been in my room and gone through all my drawers and read through my emails and texts to see what I'm doing. I told him that when we got back together I would not be a doormat and I have stuck to that to some extent, but I feel like my freedom is being taken away more so than it used to be when he was cheating, I've lost so many of my male friends because of him which will be relationships I can never re-kindle with my old friends, who I really miss a lot.Even after all this now he is putting his friends first, I have barely seen him in two weeks and he has spent these nights round a friend's house who I don't get along with too well as he's very petty and childish, and took a certain role when we were going through very rough times. I don't feel like I am being treated like a girlfriend or a priority anymore, I feel like he is finally bored of me as seeing me seems to be an effort, when I do see him he sends me home early so he can see said friend. Should I be worried? Because I feel it and very paranoid.I know this all sounds like a rant but I consider my boyfriend to double as my best friend too and as much as I am unhappy at the moment, I can normally be totally myself around him, even in times of conflict without fear of being judged (self esteem is a huge issue for me) I have never cheated and wonder why it is me that is getting this treatment as if I am some sort of swinger. I believe very much in monogamy. As much as he doesn't deserve it. I know long term relationships it's natural to bicker but I feel it goes beyond that, I am petrified at the thought of leaving him as I feel like I will be really alone and never fall in love with anyone else the same, and the times when things are good I am very happy. What do you think all of this treatment means? And can you fall in love more than once?
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (19 March 2012):
 Gosh you really do have self-esteem problems dont you? Because 99.9% of the population would NEVER in a million years take an ex back after what he did, let alone put up with the way he is treating you now.
You can fall in love more than once. You can fall in love 10 times. Heck, you could fall in love with hundreds of times if you meet enough men! It seems this guy is your first love, and we all feel the same about our first loves - at the time you cant imagine yourself with anyone else and the world would end if you ever were apart. You believe you will never love anyone again and you will die alone if you are not with your first love.
But I promise you this - you will love again, in fact you will find someone a hundred times better than your current boyfriend and you will feel a love far stronger than what you feel now.
What you feel now is not love anymore, it is just dependency, routine and fear - fear of the unknown. The love will have gone a long time ago, because he has hurt you in every way possible and treats you worse than a piece of crap on his shoe.
This is not a real relationship, this is not real love anymore - he is emotionally abusing you and the only reason you are with him now is because your self esteem is so low that you dont think you will ever meet anyone else.
You say you can be yourself around him, but you cant even wear the clothes you want because he is controlling you so much - can you not see that he is changing you are you are not yourself with him anymore? He is the version of you that he wants you to be, not the true version of yourself.
I promise you this - there are other men out there that you will fall in love with, there are other men out there who will treat you so much better than he does. You will be so much happier alone or with someone else, you cannot continue like this with your current boyfriend - it really isnt healthy.
The reason he controls you so much and treats you "like a swinger" as you say is because he is a cheat, and this is classic cheater behaviour. He knows how badly he is treating you, and how awful the cheating is - he is afraid that you will do the same to him, so he is controlling you, trying to put you down, break you down almost so that your self esteem is so low that you will never cheat on him.
You are right that this is beyond a normal relationship and bickering - this is full on emotional abuse. He has cheated, lied, emotionally abused you, controlled you, put you down, puts you as his last priority, made you lose your true friends....what more does he need to do to make you realise he is a complete a**hole and he doesnt deserve you? He has almost ruined your entire life, made you lose everything that you loved and care about, so ask yourself this - how much more of your life are you going to let him take away from you?
He is slowly chipping away at the person inside you, and if you let this continue you will end up an empty shell, too dependent on him to ever leave but so unhappy with no confidence or self esteem.
You have to leave him, I cannot say this enough - you deserve so much better! You will meet someone else who treats you right and makes you happy, you will fall head over heels in love again and it will make you realise what true love is - and it will show you that what you have now is not real love. You will look back on this relationship and be so shocked you wasted so much time with a man who treats you like s**t.
I had the same thing with my first love - I let him blackmail me, emotionally abuse me, ruin my school work....he nearly ruined my life but I let it happen because I didnt think I could do any better. I thought he was my only love and I would never love again. But here I am, nearly 10 years later, I have been in love plenty of times since and I still laugh at how much crap I put up with from him.
It is scary to leave your first love, but once you make that leap you will be so much happier and you will look back oneday and realise just how bad this relationship is.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): Its seems that he know how men are because he is that man no good.An hes done all this cheating on you and your still trying to make it work.He does these things to you because you allow it and he knows he can control you.Hes taking you for granted,he fills guilt,and wants to see how he can turn everything on you instead of dealing with his self.He has no respect for you when your in love with someone that dont show you that same love in return it will never work out.I dont know you but I know you deserve better than that.It will hurt to let go someone you love but only for a short time.An yes you can fall in love again im a wittness,Ive been were your at an i had to learn to love my self first then love another.You need to drop that loser and I hope nothing but the best for you.
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