A
female
age
51-59,
*ysecrett
writes:I am 41 and have been a housewife my entire married life which started at 16. I have no job skills, no money and the economy is so bad that I can't find a job anywhere. There is no sex, touching of any kind or closeness in my marriage and there has not been any for over 20 years! My husband and I are friends, but now even our friendship is seriously strained. Our last child is leaving home now and I am so lonely. I want to leave but I can't take care of myself and I just don't now what to do? The employment office can't help me and I live in a small rural area. I also don't have any family except for my two children but they can't be of any assistance to me. Does anyone have any advice for what I can do? I am so confused!
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (3 July 2012):
 Are you still interested in a life with your husband? Are you depressed? Is the relationship capable of being repaired. Sometimes it's important to look at the issues separately. Is it possible you could be happy in the marriage if you had a job outside the home.
Any job might give you some sense of success. Has your husband made it difficult for you to have a life outside the home. There is nothing wrong with being a housewife. The problems may arise as the kids get older and they require less/no input from the care giver. The house cleaning diminshes since the kids are gone, less cooking etc. That can leace a person feeling bored and not needed as much. I think a job would help.
My wife works part time and was a house wife. When the kids were young she worked bery little but was able to be what she wanted to be....a mother and housewife. I, on the other hand, had to work all the hours I could at a job I hated!! Our kids are almost 20 and 23. I'm noticing she has more free time and I'd like her to work more outside the house. The extra cash would go into our retirement fund.
Be careful what you wish for. The good news is this, you're in the driver seat. You can pick the job you want. Starting from no job means you don't have to gie a job up. One important question, do you drive? If you're in a rural area that is important? Is your husband willing to help you with this? Have you and your husband ever tried to talk about your marriage and the issues? Have you tried to talk with a marriage counsellor?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): Go to school, while still living with your husband since he's paying your living expenses. Do you have a GED? If yes, then go to trade school since those provide a quicker and more direct path to a wage-earning job than a college degree. If you don't have a GED, then work towards that first. Then apply for jobs using your new found qualifications.you could also go ahead and divorce your husband first. You say you want to leave and the only reason you haven't is cos you feel you can't take care of yourself. well if you divorce him now he will legally have to pay you alimony so you can use that for living expenses. It will not be the same standard of living as you're accustomed to now (whatever level that is) but it's only to be expected because right now your husband's income is supporting one household but if you divorce that same income will then have to support two households so each will be less than what you have now. It's to be expected but it's not the end of the world. Gaining independence for the first time - whether you're a teenager or young adult leaving the nest for the first time, or a long time stay at home wife getting divorced - always involves an initial lowering of the standard of living but the knowledge that you are FREE to do as you wish, more than makes up for it.but one thing is clear which is that you do need to go back and get formal education or training. Being a stay at home mom for over 20 years means that you're a fish out of water in the working world so you need to start somewhere. Unless you have friends or family who can network on your behalf and get you placed in jobs through the backdoor (and if you do, then USE them!), you need to get some job training as the first step to re-entering the work force.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (3 July 2012):
 I think if you get yourself out there and start meeting people, you will make your circle of friends bigger and that could help inspire or encourage you. Sometimes just meeting the right people at the right time can really help you get an idea off the ground. Plus, it's nice to have the positive encouragement if you don't get that at home. Good luck to you and feel free to come back and bounch ideas off of us!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): Look at etsy.com- it's wildly popular site where people make their own products at home and sell them to the world. There is no need for shops now days with the Internet being such a huge consumer base.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): Hello there, I am responding to you from London in the United Kingdom. My heart went out to you as I have spent a long time in an unhappy relationship and, prior to that, an unhappy marriage from a very young age. I also have no family except for my daughter who has now grown up and moved away to live in the city where she attended university. I just wanted to say to you that the loneliness that you feel can also be experienced in a big city, where one comes into contact with people everyday - it is difficult to make really meaningful relationships in a city where everyone is so ambitious...so please try not to think that where you live is necessarily the problem.It does seem that there are three main areas to address: 1. Finance...it seems that you want out and away but are fearful of 'looking after yourself. However, as you are clearly able to cook, garden and sew, it does seem that the main problem is the initial finance to move and then maintaining finance after that. The things that people have already recommended are great ideas to get you started. But I wonder if you/your husband own the property where you live or if he has any savings and so on? If so then you would be entitled to a share if your marriage came to an end due to the lack of intimacy. Do you think your husband would agree to help you and to let you 'go'? Could you try talking to him? 2. Your age may be bothering you - I am 44 by the way - but I honestly feel that 40 is becoming the new 30 and that the more that you are determined to change people's perceptions of age, the more that they will go along with it...after all, we are all going to get older and most people want to feel and look younger, so it is in everyone's interest to get rid of ageism, starting from within3. Lack of family. I know how difficult this can be and how dependant it can make you become on a partner that you are not happy with. However, on the plus-side of things, it kind of means that you don't have the burden of looking after anyone now, unless you choose this because it is something that you want for example through voluntary work. Rest assured, when grandchildren come along you will be asked to help. But before that happens try to make the most of your free time. Instead of thinking in terms of family, you could think in terms of friends and community, and start building more of these through, for example, selling the vegetables and so on. Another thing that seems obvious is that you have access to the internet and to a computer, so you can look online for community groups to join and for online friends that you may also later meet up with. I am also pretty sure that there is a website that you can go onto to ask people to help with a personal loan - I can't remember the name of it but we definitely have one over here in the UK - it is like an alternative to a bank, where you put your case to people and they decide if they can help you and you pay them back at a very low cost. It could be that you can start to grow a small business by borrowing a small amount to cover your costs until things pick up for you - you may even want to start sewing special 'American' items that can be mailed out worldwide via an internet site such as ebay?! For example, personalised pillowcases for children and adults, or toys for children with an American theme? Can you drive? If not can you learn to? Driving will give you a huge sense of independence.4. Love/relationship. It does seem as if you have spent a very long time without a healthy, sexual relationship and this will have lowered your confidence. However, 41 is still really very young and certainly not too young to begin a new relationship - maybe this can happen through extending your friendships or maybe via an online agency - although be careful about the latter and be careful also to be clear about what is going to happen with your husband - if you are going to divorce, for example, you must not have an affair in case this compromises your financial outcome. That said, you can still think in terms of being an attractive woman, and can still flirt and form caring relationships until you are clear about your situation with your husband.5. You may not want to live with your children, but can you go and visit them and find out more about the areas that they stay in if they have moved far away? Or can you afford to go at least on a holiday with one of them to help to broaden your outlook on things? Do you like living rurally? If so, there is probably a whole heap of handsome farmers looking for someone lovely to share their life with...Hope this helps at least a bit. Good luck for your future.
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A
female
reader, mysecrett +, writes (2 July 2012):
mysecrett is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank both of you ladies for the good advice! My daughter has told me that I should start a dress shop but of course that requires money to start it up. I never thought about just doing it out of my home and putting an ad in the local Nickel Ads? That is something that perhaps I can pursue. And yes, I do grow vegetables that perhaps I could sell at our little Saturday Market. No, it is not really a permanent answer but maybe something will come out of it that I didn't see before. I can only hope!
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (2 July 2012):
Do you sew, bake, or do anything for which there might be a demand? I have seen a couple of signs where people have advertized their sewing skills. You could start your own baking business if you like to bake or start babysitting. Those jobs may not interest you, but I think where there is a will there is a way. Maybe you garden and could sell your vegetables at the local farmers market. I know these things will not make you a lot of money, but they are a start to get you out of the house, away from your situation, and will help you make a little money on the side. I live in a small community and the fast food restaurants are also always asking for help. Don't be embarrassed to do what other people won't. I would be very disappointed and hurt if I had to live in a marriage for 20 years where there was no closeness. I did that for about 2 in a relationship that lasted 8 years. Two years was enough for me. I wish you the best, but get out and find things to do. There are lots of things if you look and take an interest in your community.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (2 July 2012):
 I suggest you make a list and access areas of work that your interested in.
Then Look about ways to gain some experience and qualifications in that given area. You can research using the library, local employment office; and the net.
Your not a lost hope; many women go onto forge careers from being at home. I once knew a grandma who obtained a degree at the age of 80. Nothing is ever too late.
Goodluck
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