A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What do you think about people talking about their exes?I'm dating this guy,and he has talked about one of his ex girlfriends a couple times. They went out with each other a long time ago. They started dating in 1997. I'm not sure when it ended though, but i know they werent together very long. He told me that she used to self harm. I don't understand why he has talked about that with me, as it was a long time ago, and it made me feel sick hearing about it. I personally think the past should stay in the past, and there is no need to talk about exes. I also would never date someone who has mental health issues, and if someone phsycially hurt me or themselves, it would frighten me. He was married once too, before he met this girl he dated, and he has talked about his ex wife too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): I don't date people who are still hung up on their exes, so it all depends on the context and the frequency of when they talk about them.
Look past relationships are part of what shapes us, those experiences are bound to come up every now and again. Plus it can be a good way of gauging a persons ability to maintain a healthy relationship. For example a person who has absolutely nothing good to say about their exes or blames them for stuff that's a red flag. A person who constantly talks about one ex is not over that ex or is not over what happened between them. In both those cases I dump people like that. Firstly I don't date idiots who don't take responsibility for their own actions or part in things, I also don't date idiots who stay for ages in poisonous relationships.
In your case though OP this is a simple matter of retro-jealousy. Just tell him you're not comfortable with him talking about his exes ad tell him to stop. But pay close attention to the way he spoke about them and the frequency that he has before you tell him to stop. You may see signs that this guy is not really suitable for a relationship in there.
A
female
reader, Shadow Rose  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Depends on how it ended. For example, I still talk to one of my exes. Note, it was more of just a "Hey, we're single, we should try this dating thing" freshman year. Needless to say, it was mostly to help him figure out if he liked girls or guys better. He picked guys, and now he's my best friend in the whole wide world. :)
Now I'm not saying "If he goes gay, it's ok" , but if you ended on friendly terms and you dont flirt or talk about your past or talk about anything inapporopiate, it should be fine!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): Here's the problem:Every relationship has a learning curve to it. We don't start knowing how to have one for ourselves, we are stuck modeling the behavior we saw around us--mom and dad, something we read, something we see on TV. Then, we get into our first relationship(s), and have to learn how to do it for real.And then we move along, if it doesn't work, accumulating how-to knowledge as we go...Your boyfriend's real-world experience with relationships involves his ex(es) and is involving you. He will tend to try to avoid what didn't work before (in his experience) and that--in this case--involved an ex who self-harmed. So, he talks about them to help you understand where he's coming from and probably to help himself avoid similar problem situations. Give him some slack and good luck, eh?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): Maybe he's just reflecting out loud, your a new partner,which will make him recall the other 2.
I wouldn't worry too much unless it continues more frequently, if he goes on too much for you,then just ask him not to.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 February 2012):
 That was 15 years ago.. how old is this fellow?
You think the past should remain in the past, the problem is that the PAST is what has shaped our PRESENT...who he was with BEFORE you has colored who he is now... the more insight into his past you have the easier it will be to understand him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): People do talk about their past sometimes as it is part of them and what shaped them into what they are today. You could ask why he mentioned them. Maybe it was relevant to something you were talking about, maybe he wants to make sure he presents himself as he really is, not hiding anythibng, maybe you remind him of one of them. Ask him.Remember also that we are not all alike. Some people keep things to themselves while others don't. Neither way is right or wrong - just different ways of seeing things that can be clarified as you get to know each other.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): You've got to use your judgement.Few people you will meet from this age onwards will come without past relationships (in fact as you get older the lack of past relationships is an alarm bell when dating). There is a time when dating when it is appropriate to share that past.There are also inappropriate times to share past relationships, and it sounds like you have struck that. The question is why? Was it a clumsy way to ask you to share your own past? Was it nerves? Has he had so little experience that his only reference point is so long ago? Is he obsessional? Did your conversation lead him to offer that information?By the way, women with mental health issues don't wear signs so many men ask them out on dates. After a few dates the woman might decide they'd like to share that deeply personal information about themselves. I hope they wouldn't get a response to that sharing as mean as "I also would never date someone who has mental health issues", but rather that the other person would seriously contemplate what behaviours they could cope with in the long run.And this isn't to say that dating people with mental health issues is all downside: for example, the large amount of introspection needed to cope with some mental conditions can make sufferers more self-aware and more generally "together" than the average person; or the lack of inhibition and sheer joy of living of bipolar sufferers can make them a joy to be around for most of the time.A series of dating people with mental issues might well lead you to speculate if the man has a condition himself or if he deliberately chooses the vulnerable for some reason (it could be as innocent as him feeling inferior or it could be as bad as him being controlling, obsessive and dominating). You would also want to consider if you formed part of that pattern.It is well worthwhile listening to stories about exes. You can read between the and learn a lot about the person you are dating. This is a reason why people usually don't mention exes -- they fear that you will surmise things which don't place them in a good light. If you find yourself getting serious about a man then following up with the exes and asking what he is like can save you a world of heartache.
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