A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently ended a relationship of almost two decades. My ex was an extreme binge drinker throughout. I am still getting over it all. One thing that I am having difficulty with is: a couple of years back I was away with work on the other side of the world. I had reluctantly gone because I was very physically unwell due to long term stress and totally exhausted. Also, I hate being away from home, I'm just not a natural traveller at all and get very scared. After a few days I got an email from a women claiming to be the other woman in my boyfriend's life. It was an extremely long email. To cut a long story short, I was almost hysterical and heartbroken and could not read her email properly - she is also not completely fluent in English, so some parts didn't quite make sense. She gave obsessive type details of my partner - this was obviously to try to convey to me that she knew him well, but they are also the kind of things that anyone could notice if they were watching someone carefully - and said things that he had told her about me that were either totally untrue or grossly exaggerated, it seems in order to gain sympathy from her. He also definitely omitted other very significant information about me - such as that I have my own income, have worked hard all my life etc - she basically got the impression that I was a loser who was using him and taking all his money. In this very detailed account, she seems to have spent much of her time with him arguing and waiting for him to leave me so that they could 'finally be together'. There are only two definite occasions when she says that they 'slept together' - on both of these occasions I know for an absolute fact that he was completely blind drunk - I mean almost incapable of standing and also the places where they ended up together were like at a party in people's (very small) house with loads of people around. My boyfriend says he remembers literally waking up on the sofa with her next to him. On the other occasion he said he was totally "off his face" with alcohol and incapable of sex- this I believe because I had been with him in the late afternoon when he had already begun drinking. I did contact this woman and put her straight about my own situation and the fact that, in all of this time, my partner and I had always had a great sex life - I mean really great and very loving. My partner enjoys attention from anyone - male, female, cat, dog whatever, he is very sociable, but I've hardly ever seen him show interest in another woman. The other thing is that when I asked her outright "are you saying that you regularly had sex together", she was vague, saying "well, we weren't playing scrabble...yes, there was the sex". But from other details the amount of time that she actually spent with him seems to make this almost impossible...unless they were having sex, literally, at work, I can't see how they could have managed this at all. My partner (now ex) says that he can only ever vaguely remember "a drunken" fumble, twice, with this woman who he says was always initiating meeting up with him as they are work colleagues, but different departments. He says the language barrier caused a huge amount of confusion - and I will honestly admit that my partner has difficulty in both listening and speaking to people even in his own language...he can be extremely confusing because he can't, literally, speak in completely coherent sentences sometimes...he has always been this way and, oddly, it is why I fell in love with him. He admits that he misled her about me because he never told her that he was definitely staying with me, but he says that it was after he woke up "shocked" by realising that he had passed out with her and becoming alarmed that she thought she was in a relationship with him...he says he was trying to "cool things down" because she is very volatile/unstable ( I actually know this is true from his work colleagues' accounts of her) and, in fairness ,we were already thinking of splitting up, so neither of us really knew what was going on. He offered, more than once, to literally go with me to his work place and confront her because he was so angry that she was not telling the truth, and causing me pain. She refused, point blank, to speak to both of us together. The thing is, now that things are over with him this still niggles me...at the time, I would have preferred if he had said "look, I'm sorry, but yes I had a full blown affair with her and she thought I was leaving you". Instead, my mind has been 'bent' trying to reconcile their two stories...and it remains like an unanswered riddle. What do you think is the best way to get a perspective on this? I still feel the initially "body blow" feeling that I got back when I first found out. Should I just give it more time? I don't know whether I should I just think along the lines that, if I am still uncertain after all this time, then it is an indication that ultimately I couldn't and can't trust him. I think the traumatic way that I found out has made it worse. Also, this woman has her own 'public' face-book page for fans to sign up, her own blog etc...when actually she has a fairly menial job in education...I'm not against any woman being ambitious but she really does seem to spend a huge amount of time publicising herself in a way that is slightly odd and obsessive. My ex was in relatively very high position in comparison, so would be seen as a real "catch" and he genuinely is very naive about women - both of us had only had one partner each before we got together. I don't mean to be nasty, but she seems really very full of herself and very self promoting and I can quite easily imagine how my ex got dragged into a messy situation with her and that she really quite aggressively decided to "dump" everything on to me by email when she didn't get what she wanted. What do people thinK? How can I get perspective on this?
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affair, ambition, at work, drunk, fell in love, heartbroken, money, my ex, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 September 2011):
 Reading your dilemma it seems you have just become entangled between a very unbalanced (probably mentally ill) woman who had designs on your self destructive partner.
They probably did have a few fumbles,him drunk and her desperate...it's a toxic mix.
He didn't have enough respect or inclination to honour your relationship and she is obviously a narcissist with one intention to fuel her own fantasy.
You just got mixed up in it. You had already decided to end things with this guy. The drinking was enough reason (I ended my double decade marriage from a heavy drinker too,because life was an unpredictable hell with him)you were smart and got out.
Forget her, really she has no anchor in life so she obviously feels the need to drag others down to her level.
Your (now ex) BF wanted to confront her with you, that says a lot, but I still think you did the right thing by ending the relationship.
Move on and don't let it trouble you further because her rantings are that of a mad person.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): okay it seems like that was very rough for you but dont worry i have gone through the same thing honey and most likely i think you should trust your instinct. you say that you knew your ex very well and the woman did not want to talk to both of you at the same time well i think you should believe your ex because if the woman's story was true then she wouldve had no problem talking to both of you at the same time. its simple actually she was probbly just jealous and when she didnt get what she wanted like you said she was trying to hurt you and by letting her get to you she thought she won. but you should just let it go since you guys arent together anymore it really doesnt matter dont you think. i mean unless you guys will ever get back together then i say just move on and eventually that feeling you get will start to go away and you will be hppy again
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A
female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (17 September 2011):
Why did you break up with your ex? Was it because of this woman? According to the way you have described her, she sounds like the desperate clingy type, one who would take pleasure in destroying other people's relationships. Thats the side of her you've made us see anyway.It goes without saying, your ex needs to drink responsibly and be more careful with what he does coz he might get himself in stickier situations than this. What if she claimed she was pregnant by him?You don't need to worry about this situation. She's not worth your pain. Obviously she tried so hard just to have the unadmirable moments she had with your ex, he wasnt into her. I agree the way you found out about the whole thing was unpleasant; maybe he should have told you. But her sending you an email was an attempt to break you two up but if your ex was willing to have you confront her it means he was on your side.It was just an unfortunate situation thats not worth your headache.
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