A
female
age
41-50,
*hylee
writes:I have been with this guy for 3 years, and I love him deeply. However, when we moved in together 2 years ago, our relationship turned into a rollercoaster. Things will change for a little while, and everyone is happy, then he will regress back to where we started. Now we are at the point where he doesn't even try to change, and I'm miserable. I don't think I can be happy with him anymore, because every time I am "happy" I am just ignoring the underlying problems. I won't be truly happy until I get away from him, and I probably won't be happy then either, but I won't have someone who makes me so angry and hurt and upset around me all the time. I want things to work out, but he refuses to change, so for my personal sanity I need to get away. Because it's affecting my life too much, I shut out my friends and I'm irritable at work, and it pushes me to drink.Here's why we don't work: And these are all things that we have continuously fought over, and even though he is aware how much stress and pain and frustration he causes me, he isn't motivated to make a serious lasting change.He is lazy. I do all the housework. We have an apartment instead of a house, and 3 cats instead of kids, but it's already bad enough so that I can't imagine the stress I would feel if a house and kids were involved. He has three responsibilities. Get the mail, take out the trash, scoop the cats' litterbox. He is good about getting the mail, but that's usually because he wants to filter through it and throw away statements/overdraft notices/etc so that I don't know about them. He is good about taking out the trash most of the time, but he won't take it out unless it is overflowing. The litterbox is something that we've been fighting about for the 2 years we have owned cats. The litterbox is actually supposed to be scooped out every day in households with more than one cat. We have THREE. It's something I might as well do because I have to keep it in the back of my mind all the time. However I'm allergic to litter, and it makes my eyes water and I sneeze. There have been many times where he vows he will make sure to do the litter every 2 days, I even made him promise to keep on top of it before we got the 3rd cat that he wanted. It lasts for maybe a week or two and then he gets lazy again. Now if I bring it up, he says if I have such a problem with it, I should do it myself. I shouldn't have to. I do everything else, and I resent him for it greatly. The worst part is that it stinks, and he sits on the computer in the same room with it, but says he doesn't smell anything. It's disgusting. He spends his days off sleeping and playing video games. I leave small lists of things for him to do before I get home (usually involving the litterbox and trash since he has a hard time taking care of it himself). It's gotten to the point where he completely ignores my lists. If I ask him why he hasn't done anything I have asked him to do, he says he forgot. But he won't do it right them either. He just waits until he forgets again. He forgets because he doesn't see anything as a priority, and has no idea what the concept of responsibility means. Then when I ask him to help me out, he is stubborn and says he does stuff on his own time. He doesn't worry about anything, I'm the one that worries and has to make sure things get done.He lies, he hides things from me, he has no sense of any responsibility, especially financial responsibility. I have done my best to convey to him that I'm here to help him, and as long as he is open and honest with me, we can get through anything together. He has a dead end job that kills him physically, but he has no motivation to better his situation, and will probably spend the rest of his life living paycheck to paycheck. He is a spoiled brat (at 24 years old), and I have his parents to thank for not raising him with any responsibility (very surprising given it was a military household). He has the attitude problem of a 5 year old child., and can be just as selfish as one too. He snaps at me all the time, and will give me the silent treatment for days until I make an effort to fix the situation. He doesn't like to resolve conflicts, he just wants to act like they never happened and act like he doesn't care. He will shut down and not show any emotion, and never comforts me when I'm upset. I don't feel appreciated, he takes me for granted. We hardly ever have sex.... very rarely does he make any effort. I hardly ever feel any desire for him either, because I have so much resentment built up. I'm also not very attracted to him anymore. Twice now he has tried to lose weight by eating healthier and going to the gym every day, but like everything else he loses motivation and quits within a couple of weeks. I should probably mention that we have been engaged for almost a year now, but he doesn't pay on the ring, and I haven't started even thinking of getting married because I've been waiting for him to grow up. Honestly, I just wear the ring to save face. I'm so stressed out and frustrated. This is the first time I've been on my own and not with family. I'm almost $6k in credit card debt, and I don't make that much money so I spend half my monthly income on my bill and put the rest toward my credit cards, all while incurring current charges. My boyfriend pays all of the apartment bills - cable, internet, water, and power - but we split the rent and groceries. It's an agreement we came to before we moved in together, but now he uses it against me all the time (because it's the only leverage he has on me). His parents bought his car brand new for him, so he doesn't have a car payment, and his dad pays his cell phone bill. He just started paying his own insurance. His parents are loaded, and always give him money and will bail him out of whatever mess he gets into. I don't have that. My mom and stepdad are working class, and taught me to be responsible for myself, so they wouldn't give me money even if I asked for it. So I don't have help available to me, and I absolutely refuse to move back to my parents house (it's 45 minutes away, the house is tiny and we do not get along when I live there). The optimal situation would be for him to move out, and I find a roommate, since he has parents willing to fund his life. But he won't do that just to spite me. So I'd have to find somewhere else to live. I'm scared though. I can't afford it. I seriously feel stuck. I'm scared of living with a roommate, because I'm not really a people person and like peace and quiet and to be left alone. I'm scared also because I love him so much, but he is pushing me to make such a drastic decision I don't want to make, and once I make that decision there is no turning back, even though I'm sure he will grow up quick once he wakes up and realizes what his stupidity lost him. But it will be too late. I don't want to leave! But he isn't changing, he is getting worse, and I mentally can not take it. So, I need to know how to move forward. How to get unstuck. How do you push yourself to change the situation your in, and move out of your comfort zone? Or maybe I should ask.. what should I do?
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at work, debt, engaged, lose weight, military, money, moved in, roommate, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 You have to decide what price tag you would put on your happiness, and if it turns out that nothing is worth putting up with this (let alone long term) then you explore what avenues you can take such as sharing accomodation with another wether it is ideal or not.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): Not to be funny, but I read your story and it made me laugh. I was feeling down about my similar situation. We should dump them and We should get together. It's hard when there are feelings involved. I am so unhappy, it's not even funny anymore. I wish I could get out of my situation as well. Unfortunately, we own a home together. So, be thankful you are in an apt & can just pick up & go! No ties. My advice to you is to stop complaining, stop stressing. Save your money up & leave his *ss. Period end of story.
p.s. Remember if you can't change who you are with, then change who you are with.
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A
female
reader, terrifenby  +, writes (15 April 2010):
 All you have to do is read back through everything you have just said. You are not happy in this relationship. I know how it feels to be stuck and not wanting to hurt the other person but not wanting to be there anymore. And you could go on and pretend things are ok and you may even be able to convince yourself that they are, but after awhile it will get to much for you. The best advice i could give you would be sit down with him and tell him you are not happy, explain how you feel. Bite the bullet and let him know the truth. If you think you will be better leaving him then tell him that and dont go on lying not only him but yourself! Hope i have been of help!
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A
female
reader, Miss Potter +, writes (15 April 2010):
 Hi there, I think you have answered yourself all of your questions, you have questioned yourself, answered yourself and even came up with some possible ways out of this situation. You have done well so far. I think you are just asking for a little bit of encouragement.
So here I come: once I have read somewhere a beautiful line - if you look at yourself in the mirrow everyday and you do not like what you see for way too many days in a row - do something about it. Life is too short. If you are in a situation that you despise, get out of it. I am not saying now. Switch on your womanly brain! If you want to get yourself out of debt, try for instance at first to pay him the rent for both of you guys for lets say 6 months. Say that you are in deed trouble with your credit card bills. Make something up. The guy is clearly using you as a cleaner, cook, housewife you name it. If you think that this will not work and he is not ready to support you and help you out of your debt, think once again about him as a potential father of your kids. So when you will be sitting at home with your babies he will refuse to foot the bills also then?
My point is quite clear - you don't need a looser with a mind of a 5 year olf sitting around on his arse who couldn't care less about you. If he doesnt care about you now, why do you think things will change when you two will get married? If you don't see yourself getting married to this bloke, don't waste your time with him. You are young and unfortunately for a lot of men womans age matters, it is a sort of price tag for us. The younger the better.
Also about house/rooom mates - there are different people out there, not necessarily you will find someone who is the total opposite of you. We say - those who look eventually find what they are after.
So lots of luck to you, keep your head up, everything is still ahead of you girl. Put a big smile on your face and turn this page of your life!
Kisses!
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