A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What do you do when the person that you love just isn't capable of giving you love back. She tells me she loves me, but is seemingly incapable of the thoughtful intimacy that lets someone know you love them. She has her issues as I have mine. But she has these walls that go up out of nowhere and I feel left on the other side digging for daylight to get a glimpse of my baby back. Her issues come from an abusive past and I guess I feel guilty about letting her go. It is not to say that I pity her, it's not like that at all. I suppose I am just losing faith she will ever be able to open up to me. I have come to the point that I am pretty sure when I get home I am going to have to end things. She is nearly 30 years old and I am the first REAL caring boyfriend she ever had. But constantly having to show her what is and isn't normal in an intimate relationship makes it feel fake and forced to me. Love should come naturally, irrespective of ones past.............right? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (6 September 2007):
 Love should come naturally, irrespective of ones past.............right?
Wrong. That is idealized thinking, but does not always work in the real world.
You have to decide how important this aspect is to you.
If it is so important that you will resent not having it long term, move on now.
If you beleive you will not resent it in time, stay.
This is about You knowing YOU, and your boundaries...it has little to do with her and her ability to change into what you seek.
-Frank B Kermit
A
female
reader, AylaJ +, writes (6 September 2007):
Well there is only so much you can do as a human being. You aren't a magician you can't make something out of nothing. If it isn't there and you're on the brink then take that last step. I had a boyfriend that said "I love you" and took it back. I stuck around for nothing really.
Now I have a boyfriend that gives me everything I want. I am so much happier now. The best thing my emotionally stunted boyfriend did for me was end things. It freed me to be in a relationship I enjoy and not strive any sort of love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): She is in counceling as are we as a couple but I think she is just not ready for a relationship like this. I just spoke to her and it went pretty much how I figured. She feels smothered and I honestly do not feel like I am asking for anything outside of a normal relationship. Everything in my head says to let it go, but everything in my heart reminds me of why I fell for her in the first place. We have been together a year and lived together a few months now.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (6 September 2007):
 It sounds to me as if your girlfriend is still having problems about her past and has never actually dealt with it. Has she ever been to counseling about it? I suggest you as her to go (if she hasn't) and you could even offer to go with her. She needs to build up trust in the relationship and this will take time but she WILL eventually let you in once that trust deepens. How long have you been together?
Eve
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