A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What do you do if you've fallen for someone who you shouldn't have? I developed a strong friendship with a guy last year and it developed into intense feelings. He admitted he fell for me, and I him. trouble is he had a girlfriend. I had just come out of a very draining, messy longterm relationship and hadnt the slightest intention of meeting anyone, but my feelings for him really scared me -Id never felt like that about anyone. From my own experience of staying in an unhappy relationship, I knew he wasnt happy and he admitted that. I cut off contact for a while, but that was horrendous. We ended up together following the usual excuse of too much alcohol, but I know this may make me sound very naive, but I cant believe it was just about sex. there was a point soon after where he was going to walk away from his relationship, but he didnt in the end. I would never have asked him to, because I wanted him to do it for himself and no one else if he did... We cried together when it happened, and he and I had never ever done anything like it ever before. Well its been a few months now and I find I am still heavy hearted -should I have fought more for him? did he use me? How do I move on? How do I let go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anonymous(23 February 2008,
Thank you. You've in words what I have been struggling with for months now. I actually wrote him a letter after six months of no contact to say goodbye. He once told me he wanted to make me happy but was afraid to because he didnt want to hurt me... he also told me I deserved better. Well in the letter I told him that I had come to realise he hadnt chosen me, I did deserve better and that I couldnt love someone and let it slip away into a void. After all like you said, he wasnt there for me. I got no reply. It was the silence that was most soul destroying... but I think Im coming out of it the better side now. He has to live with the consequences and actions/inactions. There is hopefully someone deserving of what I have to offer in love. I stayed far too long in my long term relationship with someone who was undeserving of me. I dont want to repeat history, but like you say, he did care and thats the hardest thing to shake off... -I didn't imagine it, I'm not delusional yet! Thanks. Here's to no more suffering!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): It seems in this life you can't control who you fall for. It happens to the best of us. The best you can do is love yourself, and put him behind you. I was in your situation once upon a time and suffered for many years. I don't want you to suffer for years dreaming of him so I am going to tell you what I learned in the end. He had a choice, and he didn't choose me. Your love is precious and valuable. It is only to be given to someone who chooses you. Connections, emotions, indecision, attraction, struggle, tears... it's all very meaningful and heartfelt. But being there is what counts, and a real man will be there for you. This man wasn't strong enough to follow his heart. That's sad. But it's on him. Not you. Don't blame yourself. You were wise to let him own his own choices. It shows you know how to love, it shows that you are strong. His tears mean he didn't use you. He cared for you. So don't close your heart. It hurts to not be chosen but you CAN let him go. You can let him go because it's not about you. He couldn't muster the strength to break away from a bad relationship. You deserve to have a strong man by your side. One who CAN be there for you. Because to accept anything less is to disrespect yourself and open the door to a world of pain. You wouldn't devote yourself to a job that didn't pay you. You wouldn't pay rent for an apartment you didn't live in. Don't keep loving a man who isn't there for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): hey you just gotta be strong and let it go. And if someone uses u and breakes ur heart u have to break them! u gotta fight even though u might be crushed u have to crush them even more. But remember when u fight fire with fire u just get a bigger fire. (So be careful and use water, lol!)
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A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (22 February 2008):
If someone you think could become really special to you is already in a relationship you really need to back off until they are free to get involved. If they never become free then they are not for you.
This is hard to accept sometimes, but it really will save you so much potential for grief later on. You want him all to yourself. You do not want to steal him away because then someone could steal him from you. You want a man of honour and respect as well as all the other qualities you like. He needs to earn your respect and be deserving of your love.
I wish you luck and patience. You may need both.
:-)
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