A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What do you do if you feel you are not in love with your wife anymore?We have 3 children together. They are not toddlers. We have debt. Physically not that attracted to her anymore and seem to just be going through the motions. I don't want to kiss her anymore. We don't really talk. I don't know if we could financially be separated. I don't want to hurt anyone but I am not happy, neither is she as far as I can tell. Need some advice.There is no passion between us, no intimacy. We might have been "in love" once but now not so much. I do love her but more like my children than a partner. I don't want to see anyone hurt. This seems to be going on for some time. I do try to light a spark but it seems to get doused. I am just looking for a place to go to help with our situation, not looking to get beat up because of my concerns.I was not looking to or was I trying to but I recently was in a situation where I let temptation take over and slept with another woman. I never thought something like that could happen but it just did. I feel bad but it made me realize that things at home were in disarray.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 July 2012):
 I understand why you did what you did. I don't condone it but it's over and done and beating you up for it is useless as I am sure you beat yourself up enough about it.
Now to figure out what to do.
IF you want a divorce (and if you no longer love your wife and no longer want to try to love her that's the best option)
Debt can be fixed you get some she gets some and life goes on..
Kids no matter what age adapt to parents being apart although it will take a while and they may be angry with you for "breaking up the happy home" or they may breathe a sigh of relief knowing that mom and dad can now be happy apart...
The issue is does your WIFE know how bad things are?
I had no clue how unhappy my now ex husband was in our marriage... not sure he did either... but he set up a situation where we were able to separate and he made me feel like the bad guy for it when it was him who wanted out.
If your wife is clueless that you are that unhappy she may be blindsided by this... so you need to talk to her about it.
IF she refuses to talk just to you, then couples counseling can do a few things.
1. if you want to try to fix the marriage it can help try to fix the marriage
2. it can help you help her figure out a way to ease out of the marriage... and make sure she does not feel like a failure here...
you must be honest with her... you must man up and tell the truth.... it's painful and it's ugly.
if you choose not to tell the truth and leave then you must walk the walk and talk the talk of pretending the marriage is fine.... and maybe it will get better.
there is no crime in ending a marriage where it's not working for you....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): What do you do when you don't live your wife anymore?Well you don't go out and sleep with another woman that's what you don't do. Act like a real man and be upfront with her and after your cheating I can see why she is not happy with you either, the problem your relationship failed is within YOU. you care so little about her your family and your marriage you could not say no.Stop being selfish and man up and be upfront about it, you certainly don't love her as you cheated so do her a favor and tell her what what you did and how you must divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): Yeah, it's time to "man up" and stop cheating. It's so sad to see that (some) men rather seek out another woman for their "release" instead of communicating with their wives to sort out their marital problems. I have been "the other woman" a few times and this seems to always be the case... If you don't stop this now? It will become a distructive pattern and eventually ruin your life!When I felt that I no longer loved my husband, I did the right thing and left him. We have two kids together. It's been two years and I basically started over again. Life is so beautiful now! I met the man of my dreams and my kids just love him too.You really need to sit down with your wife and talk together...
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (6 July 2012):
 What you feel is living with no passion and no intimacy any longer but you still love your wife.Good thing is you still know you love her. If you did not, you would have been separated long time and you have this guilt feeling because you still love her. That's great, isn't it? YOU STILL LOVE HER! How hard did you try to really work things out with her? You have mentioned you do not communicate, wouldn't it be a good idea if the first thing you need to do right now is open up with her? Tell her what you feel. I feel what you both need is communication, an open communication. Ask yourself now, am I not really in love with her or am I just feeling emotionally lost because of lack of intimacy? Am I feeling this way because my needs were not met? Why not try go to the opposite direction, from lack of intimacy to giving love. Yes, give love to your wife. Work hard on it, communicate with her and ask her what she wants and and leave your negative feelings.Our emotions are very strong, it has forces that shapes who we are. What would you like to shape now?
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (6 July 2012):
Folk here will jump on you, as did the first reply I saw. Understand that it goes with the territory. This forum tends to be hard on cheating.
I've walked a mile in your shoes. I share many of your issues in marriage. When we got together coming up on 30 years ago there was passion. I can't say when exactly that was lost, but it has been lost, and today we're more like partners in the business of running our home and raising our children. We're just getting the first look of what an empty nest might look like, and I have to say that I don't know how we'll be able to make the transition back to just the two of us, sucessfully, once the kids are gone. So I do hear what you're saying.
I suppose the question for you is what you want in your future. I have the privilege of watching a few couples, empty nesters in their 60s and 70s, who are managing the transition. Some are tremendously involved in their grandchildrens lives. Some who have chosen to travel, and to settle in winter homes and make new friendships. Now I don't know anything about their intimate lives -- I'm guessing that they've settled for less passion and are relying more on the comfort of a shared past and common experience. Knowing that their partner "has their back" in a way.
You're not there yet, you're still in your 40s -- a sort of 'not dead yet' thing, since you've had the affair. So -- the question is do you want to start over again. Do you want to go through the (inevitable) drama of divorce, probable (even if hopefully temporary) estrangement from your children. To relive that wonderful, life-affirming passion. Even knowing that that passion in your 40s is a different animal, much shorter-lived, that what you enjoyed in your teens or 20s. Your call. Lord knows it has to be tempting -- to feel that alive, that real, again, well that's very heady stuff.
The best I can tell you is that walking away from your wife now most likely means that you're walking away from a comfortable old age.
Your call, my friend.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (6 July 2012):
 Do you really want to repair things with your wife or are you just looking for justification for your cheating.
If it's the former, then you need to get some serious lines of communication open.
A lot of people think that they can get away with having affairs whilst remaining married. The only person who benefit from this is the cheater and it's sad because he/she makes a complete fool out of the person they once loved...but most people take this option because it's the easy road, it's the lazy persons choice rather than really sorting out the problem.
If you think things cannot be repaired, you need to divorce your wife, sort out access arrangements for your children and allow your wife the dignity of moving on and finding another partner.
I do feel from your original post that you are just one of those people looking for the easy choice and that my friend, should your affairs be discovered, could lead to you losing everything....so man up and get those communication lines open.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): "What do you do if you feel you are not in love with your wife anymore?"
You DON'T use it as a lame excuse for cheating on her AND a shameless ploy for sympathy at the same time, especially after the fact.
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