A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi, (question is at the end - this is the background of it) I'm 29, married for 6 yrs with 3 children, 6, 3 and 2. I am a stay at home mom. After countless sleepless nights "googling" my marriage issues, and being directed to this site numerous time, I've decided to post to hear some opinions. My husband is emotionally and physically neglectful and I am well past breaking point with him, with us. I have literally begged him for affection too many times to count, but it was always in vain. There's always "what do you want from me" and I answer in detail about how all I want is to feel loved and wanted. I accept that I have been bitchy and on edge, but it's almost always after weeks of rejection and I get fed up and frustrated. There's always an excuse, he's always tired and basically just avoids me whenever possible. When I finally confront him with it, he turns it around on me, there's always a reason why I am responsible for his actions. First it was because when he came home I looked exhaused and was covered in whatever the kids had on their hands that day and hadn't showered yet that night. I wsn't trying to make myself attractive so he didn't see me that way - so, I made sure that when he came home I was cooking with a dress and heels and full make-up but after almost 6 weeks of him not even noticing, I realized that I wasn't the problem, he just didn't want to face up to anything. Today was the straw that broke the camels back. I've been crying and telling him how lonley I am and how desperately I needed a break from just taking care of everyone and wanted a night out. I made plans with a friend and bought last minute concert tickets to a show I'd been dying to see. I was so excited and looked forward to it all week, he was well aware of this. He sais that he wished he were going with me, so I cancelled my plans, stayed home for teh day waiting for him to get home from work and was planning on going with him instead. I felt really bad about standing my friend up, but was really hoping that this might just be what we needed to start to rediscover eachother. I called him throughout the day to tell him how excited I was about tonight and how much it meant to me. Well, 5:30 rolls around and he's not home yet... I tried calling for an hour but his phone was off. When he finally answered I was steaming! First thing I said was "Where are you?!?" and I was obviously irritated since we were supposed to have left a 1/2 hr ago. he said he was in traffic and would be home in 10 mins. 35 mins later he got home and rather than saying " I'm so sorry I'm late, I know you're mad but we'll still make it if we leave now" he just said I don't want to hear your shit, I can't control traffic. Nice. Funny how in 6 yrs at his job and 3 yrs of taking that same rt, he's never been late before? Turns out instead of depositig his check during his break like he always did, he decided that he would go after work and get a later bus. I know that I should understand that, but I reminded him 3 times this afternoon to deposi t it so he wouldn't be late. we live near the jersey shore and there is always traffic in the summer. I honestly don't care what his reasons were for not doing it while he was at work or how much traffic there was. I think that he should have made it his business to be here on time even if he had to leave a little early. It caused a fight and since I was pissed off about being late and told him that I was so hurt that he wasn't there for me when he knew how important it was, he said I was just a bitch and talking to him like and asshole and that I had ruined teh night and he wasn't going to go, that I should give teh tickets away - so I did. 1/2 hr later, he comes and says we can still make the middle and says he never told me to give them away? Again, says I ruined the night because of how I talked to him and that I should understand that something came up at work. So, now without a day with a friend and no concert, I got to stay home and listen to him tell me how I need to watch how I talk to him and that I have no reason to be mad since it wasn't his fault.SO question is this, how do you think that it should have been handled and reacted to by either of us? What do you do if husband won't accept responsibility for anything and turns everything around to be your fault? I don't know how to handle this.
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female
reader, MissAnDree +, writes (15 September 2012):
Wow, I know this passive aggressive type husband all too well...for years I have thought it was me, that I was the crazy one, but oh girl, ,please do yourself a favor and google passive aggressive husband, you can even add narcissist to the search....holy crapoli! ITS AMAZING! Just start reading all the stories and complaints from women everywhere, dealing with PA men...I straight up call my husband PA now when he tries using those weasely lame immature excuses and BS....so glad my eyes are open now.....put him in his place, let him know he can't pull that kinda crap anymore or he can go use it on someone else... God forbid your kids start picking up his PA tactics....my 6 year old has:( best of luck to u....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmaybe I'm wrong, but I'm going to assume that doesn't come from such a great family? Sounds like he completely lacks compassion and empathy which is usually a result of being emotionally neglected as a child. Were his parents the same way? Sounds like apretty toxic relationship and I am pretty sure that you should probably get out while you can.
I had a marriage like this, here's how it went: Little by little he became more and more like his father. Cold, neglectful, compassionless except the occassional pat on the back. Slowly, he started not coming to bed. I'd lay next to him on teh couch, do anything i can to get his attention - jealousy of other men, getting dressed up, changing my appearance, cooking his favorite meals, nothing worked. No sex and eventually he wouldn't even come to bed because he didn't want to deal with it. he stayed by himself in his own world and wouldn't let anyone in. After a fight and I woudl point out how neglectfukl he was, he's turn the tables, then suddenly be washing dishes and playing with teh kids to prove that he was so helpful and attentive, martyr syndrome.
It's a downward spiral and it doesn't get better. They drain the life out of you and drive to you do things you would never have fathomed.
The only way you will ever be free to have a healthy loving relationship is if you get the hell away from this one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): I think he set the stage for a fight in order to cop out of going to the concert with you. I also think he was jealous you made the plans with your friend, and effectively derailed it to control the situation.
I raised three children, was a stay at homer, went all through this before. I made the same mistake of centering my health and happiness on how my husband treated me, and spent countless sleepless nights wishing he were better to me.
There is one child at home left to raise, and now deal well with the same conditions, and this is what I do:
1. Establish your own health routine. Do something everyday for a set amount of time that promotes your physical health: whatever workout you like, commit to doing it everyday without fail. It clears your mind, makes you happy, and somehow makes you resistent to negativity.
2. Refrain from all negative interaction with your husband. Refuse to engage in anything negative with your husband by just dropping all of your angst, leave it alone, and shift your focus onto the positive. Even if the only positive thing is the way he does his hair, point it out, then get on to the next positive thing about the kids, work, anything. Drop the fight and just keep it positive.
3. Do activities that you enjoy, that are not husband and kid-centered. Of course invite them, but set up plans that you will not cancel that bring you happiness. Then do them.
4. No expectations. Let go of wanting your husband to want you and touch you and talk to you. Just drop the want and need. Of course you hope he will, but that's as far as that goes. No one can emotionally survive in a high-expectation climate, especially for affection and love. Because all good things from others is a gift, just let yourself enjoy what you do get, and never expect someone to fill your needs. This will be a huge relief.
Hope it helps-
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): Some harsh truths for you...
- If he wanted to be there he would have been there. When it comes to the woman a man loves he will always find a way. I once spent $ 500 out of my own pocket, drove for 9 hours and went two days without sleeping to make it back to an important work dinner (hers) that I had promised to attend when a business flight got cancelled...
- His actions suggests he never had any intentions of going to the concert at all.
- If I pulled that on my wife I'm not sure I'd live to tell the tale...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 July 2010):
My girlfriend said her husband was cold and neglectful to her. She left him after 13 years of marriage. She said it was hard at first, but that it really was the best decision.
To be perfectly honest, your husband is coming across as a very controlling man. I don't think he had any intention of going to the concert. I think he just wanted you at home not doing anything. My father did this to my mother, and my girlfriend's ex husband did it to her. And off hand I can think of four couples that I know who all have men who do this. Seems like a common thing and one of the biggest reasons for marital breakdown after affairs.
I think he's neglectful the point of pathetic, I think he's very selfish towards you, and I don't think realistically he's a good husband at all. He's really abusive to you, and he's not changing at all, even with all your begging. He is a total failure as a husband. A total failure. And nothing on earth will change him. Time to leave. Your kids don't need this atmosphere, and you deserve better than this man.
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