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anonymous
writes: Hola! after recently discovering and absorbing most of this website, I feel overly compelled to ask for help in my own plight... I am 19yrs of age, and have suffered a meaningful, but scarceful love life, having only been intimate with two females in all. One being extremely brief, and the other very long. I left the latter girl (who I'll refer to as "Stacy") after two years of being inseperable, and towards the end, engaged. I had found out to my own shock, she had cheated on me with one of my friends. Since the painful breakup, I've been struggling to survive an unbearabely long period of loneliness and depression. When I'm not working, I try to curb the strain of these sad days with heavy marijuana use, and comforting music.(believe me, I know this isn't healthy) I don't miss my ex anymore, but I greatly miss having a female companion, and most of all, being so in love as I was with "Stacy". It has now been 12 months since I've been with a female, and its agonizing. I know I don't make a whole lot of money, but I always thought women wanted men who could love them as a whole and provide a caring and understanding relationship. It now seems to me women only like to take advantage of men like this, saving their loyalties for the more controlling, self-centered, and fat pocketed men out there. All I really wanna know is if I'm crazy, or do women really think like that nowadays? Do I have to become a complete asshole just to attract females? Or does it all come down to having the dollar signs? What would you agony aunts suggest to a trampled heart who only wants someone to love in his lifetime?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2006): Hola dear depressed one. Take heart! I read your plight and felt compelled to share some insight with you from a woman's perspective. I hope this information helps you in some way.
I know you've heard it before it bears repeating "you're young". The women you are getting involved with are also young and if there's one thing I know, women in that age-bracket don't really know what they want in life, much less what they really want in a mate so they tend to muddy the relationship waters for a nice guy like you. They are easily distracted. Trying to have a relatively "serious" relationship with someone at 19 years old (or 20, 21, 22 for that matter) takes a great deal of patience, and basically a certain kind of person. There are a number of great gals out there, who would appreciate someone like you But there are gals out there in that age group who just want to "have fun" -- they don't want to get mired down by anything too serious. And since a good many of them don't know what they want or need just yet, they're going to "taste-test" several men before they make up their minds. Some gals simply get bored easily. You have to learn how to spot these gals before you give away your heart.
In truth, most gals want a guy who's a little bit "bad-boy" and a little bit "nice guy". The combination is ultra sexy. Because most true "bad boys" are just that -- really bad for us and the smart girls eventually figure this out (sometimes at the costly rate of abuse and other frightful things).....And the guys who are "too nice" usually end up boring us to death. So achieve balance -- you have to have confidence in yourself. Know what you want to do with your life/career, and dreams. Find a gal with similar interests. Treat her well, but don't kiss her ass -- she'll just end up walking all over you if you do.
Men frequently get dumped and say they never saw it coming -- well believe me, there are signs, you just have to become a little more insightful to see what's going on around you. Take off the rose-colored-I-love-you-unconditionally glasses, and try to see this person for who they really are. Take it slow. Learn to spot the good characteristics in her, as well as the short-comings and then think long and hard about whether or not her short-comings are things you can live with. Is she flighty? Spacey? Disorganized? Does she sometimes steal from her friends, or co-workers? What is her boyfriend history like -- many or just a few? And don't be afraid to ask a few questions about "what went wrong" in her last few relationships. Listen to her responses carefully and try to stay objective because once you fall in love, objectivity tends to fly out the window.
Women want to be with a man who's confident; but not self-absorbed so be a good-listener but don't be afraid to talk to her about your life, your dreams, and your goals. Woman want someone who enjoys taking a few risks (rock-climbing, riding a motorcycle,)but cares enough about her to make sure she's safe (double-check her gear for wear-and-tear, make sure she wears a helmet -- even if you don't). Women like romance in unexpected things. Sure, flowers are always popular with a women, especially on special holidays, but bringing her sausage-McMuffin on a day when she was too rushed to eat breakfast is a very sweet gesture, tucking a sexy note inside the sack is romantic...
Women want affection and this is where some guys just can't deliver. It doesn't have to be a continuous lip-lock, but when you walk beside her, touch her arm, hold her hand, when you walk by her in the house, touch the small of her back or pat her butt. Touch her hand when you're sitting next to each other, squeeze her knee, play with her hair and when she talks to you, look into her eyes. Make her feel beautiful but that doesn't mean you have to act like she's the only woman you've ever seen that was pretty. Keep the balance. Love is all about give-and-take.
And now for the best part -- believe it or not, most women LOVE SEX. If it's done right. So it can't be all about you and your orgasm all the time. Make sure she has one too. Become a skillful lover. Know how and when to be sensitive, and when you can kick up a notch or two and be wild and rough (just not too rough, we don't want to feel abused!)....And afterwards, don't forget to cuddle with her, stroke her skin and make her feel like a person, not an object.
I hope this helps you out in some small way. Good luck!
jscinderella
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2005): You are not alone in your search for everlasting love. Millions of people express their need for someone special stop looking cuz your only making it more apparent. It'll happen to you so just wait. Take care and happy hunting.
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reader, carla +, writes (3 June 2005):
First of all, get off the drugs, secondly start going out more, sitting in your room listening to music, smoking pot will get you nowhere! You need to work out where you are in life before you can settle down with someone.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (2 June 2005):
 I'm sorry about your lengthy grieving process since your breakup. Clearly, it's been a painful time for you and you've been careful not to let it happen again by keeping yourself heavily medicated. That makes a kind of sense, I guess, and I truly empathise with your hurt and loneliness, but honestly, it's a wonder you can make it from home to school bearing the weight of that massive chip on your shoulder.First, a bit of grammatical correction: women are not "females". Women are women. Or ladies. Or gals, if you're feeling hayseed. Distancing yourself from the humanity of another sex - as if they're boa constrictors, or sturgeon, or wombats - does not help your appeal to the very sex you want so desperately to bond with. (Furthermore, "female" is an adjective, not a noun, but that's another lecture.) So call women "women". Practice it; use it in company.Now that we've got that out of the way, the answer to your question is: give yourself time. At the age of 19, I'm sorry to tell you, you're not yet a divine gift. Although your intelligence is obvious, at your age, you're still barely more than a kid - even to young women - and you don't yet have any discernable education, no lifetime interests, no particular career, no monumental achievements... In other words, there isn't that much about a 19-year-old that attracts women, because you're still developing as an adult. In three years, or five, it'll be different. And so will you.I swear, I'm not winding you up. And I'm not picking on you in your moment of despair. This is the perceptions of a woman of mature age, who has been through the grinder of relationships for more than twice your lifetime.In specific response to your query, women don't want anything more mysterious than men do. They want to be respected, they want someone who can make them laugh, they want good company, they want interesting conversation, they want a careful, playful lover. They wouldn't say No to a wealthy boyfriend any more than you'd shun a rich woman, but money is far less important than you think. Women want a man they can depend on for the long term, someone who wants more than just a quick meal and sex (though sometimes that's OK too). Does any of that surprise you? It shouldn't. Write out a list of personality traits you'd like to find in a long-term partner; there's bound to be some overlap.Then stop glooming around, getting high and hiding away from the world. Your ex isn't coming back, so it's time you admitted it and got over it.Go and look for women who you'd like to have as friends, then concentrate on being a good friend. Demonstrate the thoughtfulness of a friend, go places with women and be good company. Before very long, those very women will be seeing your good qualities in a very different light.Be patient, be nice, be worth loving.Good luck, dear.
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reader, Ruan +, writes (2 June 2005):
I've been there mate. Most females seem like that now, but if you don't look for that special someone, and just wait, the right person will come along.In the meantime, go out with your mates and enjoy yourself, don't let this get you down as there is someone for everyone.
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