A  ,
anonymous
writes:Hi i desperately need your help advice etc.I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and have lived with him for the last 2. It has been an absolute knightmare he has physically hit me on many occassions, i must be honest as sometimes i initiated the violence. I realise that violence is wrong, but hate myself for hitting him. This may be wrong for me to think this but i always believed that a man should never ever hit a woman back.He can be really great though, but i realise that i am highly insecure and i take my crap out on him.At this moment i have a bruised nose and bruises all over my body.To make matters worse before all the violence started he used to say we were going to marry etc. I always put him before me as i loved him so very much. I noticed he always used to insult me call me fat, and i noticed when i made an effort for myself he would always check other women out in front of me.At this moment my soul is truly broken my self esteem is zero. I feel as though i wasn't good enough for him as i also discovered that he has been mailing mistresses around the country and calling them for the last few years.This constitutes as cheating, when i confronted him he said it's because hes bored with me and that he would always do this even if he was married!!!I totally don't agree as i don't mind the idea of him viewing such sites but actually contacting them is a betryal to me.To make matters worse none of my family or his realise that we live together. I have had so much to deal with over the years i couldn't deal with his lies today so i rang his mother and told her.Of course he totally lied and told them i'm a mad bitch whose lieing and that i've been stalking him. He told his mother that were not together and they know nothing about the violence and the severe attacks i've faced and him cheating on me!!!!!I want to kill my self!!!!!!!!!I've been so hurt by him, he's now threating to ring my family and tell them i'm a whore as i live with him. They will disown me- theres no way i can ever tell my mother the truth. This will destroy her as she already has very bad health.I'm in such a mess have exams next week already failed them because of him. Have no where else to go.He keeps telling me that hes going to be on my back for the rest of my life. I'm so scared he laughed at me and said that he's been calling these women because he finds me boring!!!!Before he went out with me he dated a really fat ugly woman. Before her someone for 3 years he took her on holiday they went abroad many times he even proposed to her. She rejected him and maybe he never got over her. But he hasn't taken me anywhere!!!!!!I used to be a beautiful looking woman both inside and outside. I also used to be very religious and attended church regulary. This man has destroyed me so much as i have even become distant from God.I have become a social recluse haven't really gone out much over the last 2 years.The worst thing is my tutors at uni don't have a clue with whats going on. Worst of all my family and friends all think i'm very happy.I feel as if i'm having some kind of mental breakdown- i used to be such a strong person.please help me asap!!!!!!!!!!Please agree with me this man has treated me like dirt, and calling these women is cheating!!!!!!!!!!.He's so sick too, as he said that my parents are going to kill me. I really do not understand how this is all my problem. He's going to call them and turn it all around blaming me. I can never face them again.What shall i do???????????????????
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insecure, mistress, on holiday, self esteem, stalking, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2005): Leave him right now. Leave while you still have a string of strength left. No human being should have to endure this physical and emotional torture. If you stay, you are allowing this madness to continue. My heart goes out to every woman out there who puts up with this situation. You have let your emotions make your decisions for you. And your boyfriend knows your weakness, so he takes advantage of it. He is a controlling dictator, among other horrible things. Please open your mind as you read this, please. You have been, for lack of a better word, brainwashed by this guy you're with. The only person he cares about is himself. And as long as you stick around, you will only enpower him more to control every aspect of you. It probably does not seem that way, but this is the part where you need to think with your brain and not your heart. If this exact same thing was happening to one of your friends, would you tell them to stay with him? Didn't think so...This website exists to help people. No one is prompted. I write to help people and I have a caring heart. I have never met you, but I care about you. Please get out of there before things get worse because they will. Take care!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2005): Chuck him!He doesn't love you!If this carries on, phone the cops!take care,p />spaz
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reader, carla +, writes (3 June 2005):
He's wrong hunny. Get rid of him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2005): HE IS WRONG!!!! If your boyfriend does those kinds of things to you, obviously he is. When you say he can be great sometimes, even though he hits you, that doesn't mean he will stay that way. Why would the problem be you? You've done nothing wrong. Under some circumstances it's OK for you to hit him back if you ever do. You are defending yourself, and he has no right to hit you. Why sit back and take the abuse when you can stand up for yourself? I understand that you're afraid, which is perfectly normal, but if you don't like it, ditch him and move on. HE IS DANGEROUS. Men like that are, and if he does those things, obviously, he's not right for you. DON'T BE AFRAID. Men like that feed on fear. They know you are afraid, and use that against women to get power. That's the only way they can get it. Try to stand up for yourself. Remember, it's not you. Any man who abuses a woman is just not worth it.
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reader, annabelle_me +, writes (2 June 2005):
I'm going to tell you a story.There once was a girl in an abusive relationship mentally and physically, he beat her, cheated on her, called her names, and put her in constant danger, but she blamed herself and loved him too much to leave, her friends and family all begged her to leave but she wouldn't. Then she got pregnant, which made him more abusive calling her fat and hitting her more often, then the baby came a beautiful baby boy. Then he started beating the baby, but she loved him too much to leave. One day he picked up the beautiful baby boy it a dangerous rage and shook the baby putting him in a coma a month later he died.Then the woman feeling so ashamed for not leaving him took a razor and ended her life.This is a true story because the woman was my sister.Because She loved him so much and kept hopping that he would change it costed her son and her own life. Have you considered the people that love you at all? image someone you love was in a relationship like the one your in what would you tell them to do? would you tell them it's their own fault for making him mad, of course you wouldn't so why is it ok for you to be in this relationship?
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (2 June 2005):
 You're obviously bright, because - even after all you've endured - you're still incisive enough to have hit the nail precisely on the head. This man is treating you like dirt.Now, what are you going to do about it?You're the only one who can extricate yourself from him. You know you have to leave - your physical and emotional health depends on it - because in the six years you've been together you've gone from being "beautiful inside and out" to near-suicidal and worrying that your parents will think you're a whore ... because your boyfriend said so.Do you see how illogical that is? Do you see how he's warped your perceptions of yourself? Can you possibly, seriously worry that your own parents will believe his lies about their own child? They will not disown you. They love you, but your boyfriend does NOT.Yes, dear. His meeting other women is wrong, but that pales into insignificance next to the beatings and bruisings and emotional abuse. Dear, dear girl, you cannot force someone to hit you. That was his choice. You didn't run headlong into his fists. He did that to you. Then he laughed and told you you'd never be rid of him. This is a dangerous, possibly homicidal person. You need to get out of there.I'm almost physically ill reading your letter. Your boyfriend is a classic physical and emotional abuser. He doesn't love you and he won't get better. He belongs in jail where he can't hurt other women.Please, please, please. Before one more day passes, call the domestic abuse liaison officer at your local police station. You have to leave, and soon. Otherwise you might end up dead. Tell the police what's going on, and ask for some protection from your boyfriend while you leave. You don't have to press charges against him (even though I think you should), but you need to get out while you still can. Then you can get better, learn to love yourself again. You can be happy again, too. But YOU HAVE TO LEAVE HIM. He's dangerous. Get away.I've got my fingers crossed for you, because, hon, I've been in a physically abusive relationship. Only getting out is hard; after that, it gets better, I promise.
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