A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have come to end of my relationship of ten years.I belive its OVER!! After ten years,and 3 kids he recently TOLD me we have no future together.I have put up with his manic depression,his affair,his mental,verbal and physical abuse.Him twisting EVERYTHING.He maintains I am crazy to expect marrige or purchasing our own house,or even epecting him to be at home .Apparently its normal to spend 6 nights a week with his friends and NOBODY gets married any more.So..although my heart is compleatly crushed after being there and loving this guy my intire adult life I have accepted its over.I wish we could say goobbye and I never had to breath the same air as him again BUT..THE KIDS.I dont want to involve the courts or lawyers AT ALL.Can someone please advise me as to what acceptable visiting rights I should give him.Just how often IS OK.I personally dont want to see him again.The children are aged between 3 and 8.Thanks in advance.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 Unfortuantely, I can't really help you with that question but I just wanted to say good for you and well done for having the guts to leave him!
Sounds like hell.
BE STRONG and let us know how you get on :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Thank-you all for writing back to me.I don't want to make him worse by involving the law..down the line ..if I have to I will.His family are also an issue and he has a very wealthy back up which I don't have.I want to keep him 'sweet'!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Well you are going to have to see him and talk to him again because there are 3 children involved here. So just put your feelings aside and be an adult about this. You are a mother, you are an adult, so act mature and level headed. When you see him, be cordial. Don't talk about your relationship at all and simply get down to business about how to share your time with the kids. And DON'T talk about your relationship.
Assuming you two live in the same town, I think it would be fair to divide your time up equally. Maybe have the kids for four days out of the week and he can have them for three days. And divide up your weekends too. You can have them every other weekend and so can he. You are single now so you are going to need your time alone some weekends to hang with your friends and so is he.
And be sure to ask the kids for their input as well. Maybe they don't want to have to go to a different house in the middle of the week cause it may interfere with their schooling or friends or whatever. If you all communicate together as a family then maybe together you can all decide what is in everybody's best interest and come to an agreement. Just quit arguing and be civil, at least for the sake of your kids. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Hi Hunny,
I no you dont want to get the courts involved but from what you have said it would scare me to death to allow him access to the children with these on going mental issues, I had to take out oh! more than 8 injunctions due to my husbands violent behaviour, And the childrens board were on my side they absolutly did not want my daughter anywere near her father for her own safety. I had to get a advocate to get legal advise and I have sole cusdody care and control. Sweetheart think about what you have just described, Its really not good for the children, Im not saying there father should never see them again but you really must get some legal documents drawn up so you no you and your children are safe at all times, You just dont no what his mood will be like with the manic depression.
It all depends on whay type he has there are many types love probably of which you no about but they all have different phases of mood swings and sometimes it can be accompanied by psychotic symptoms. And they all need to be treated with medication and if he isnt taking the meds then its going to be hell on earth, He will accuse you of doing all sorts and be very unpredictable hunny, Plus if he is spending time with friends is he drinking as this can only add to it all love, So please get some advise and go see an advocate it will be much safer for you and your children in the long run. TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 There is no way you don't want to see him. You will have to accept that he is a part of the children's life.
The best way is no limitations. Allow him to see them anytime he wants.It would be better not to impose any visitation rights. It is cruel to limit the children's access to their dad. What if the situation was in the reverse? If he had custody and told you that you can only visit them once a month.How would you feel? When you give him total freedom , he may not want to visit the children.When you imposed conditions , he can retaliate and make your life complicated.
You should make peace with him and do not let your anger stand in your way. What you do is for the children's sake and not for yours anymore.
There is no hard and fast rule but you do what you think is best for the children and for u.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 you're in a different country. i recommend seeing a lawyer regarding this. i believe in your situation, getting the custody legally done in court would be the smartest thing you could do. i don't know what it's like there but here, there is no assumed custody that hasn't been established by the court. the reason for that is neither parents can verify what's their time and what time the other parent is allowed. they don't try to mess in those area. no court order, no enforcement of visitation rights. that would mean, with his mental condition, he could get back at you by keeping the kids, and without a court order, he's entitled too.
if he was a parent who would work with you in a normal, adult, mature, non-manic fashion, I may state different, but you need to protect your rights and your children's rights in this case.
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A
female
reader, Sams_WonderWoman +, writes (23 January 2008):
 I feel for you and your children. But you don't need to have a man that you dearly love being abusive mentally, physically, and verbally to you. It's also not good for the children to go through all of this. 10 years is much too long a time for you to to endure such treatment. There are much better men out there that will treat you like a queen and show you what real love should be. I know it's hard for you at this time to think that there is a much better man made just for you, but there is. Please believe me, because I was in a verbally abusive relationship so bad that I felt like jumping off the bridge...but thank the Lord that I didn't because He had a much better man in store for me. In fact we just got married a few months back. Just go to the Lord when things get tough for you to handle, and let Him take care of it.
One thing I should add if he's abusive to you he could possibly be abusive to your kids. Since he'd rather be with his friends instead of home with his family he sounds to me that he is irresponsible and only thinking about himself. I don't think it's too good for them to be alone with them at this time for any visitations. He probably needs some counseling and if he doesn't take meds, he should start taking them. It might turn things around for
You could do some research for legal advice over the internet. Just go to google and put what you want to find out in the search box.
I hope that I helped you out somewhat and you find the right man that will treat you with love and respect.
God bless you!
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