A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband has lots of cuckholding fantasies and imagines watching me with other men. I have told him this will remain fantasy as I'll never do this in real life so that's not my question here My question is whether I should be worried that he seems to need these fantasies so often to get off . Whether with porn or just interacting with me it's nearly always involving me with another man . Does this mean I'm not exciting enough to him on my own . It's been like this pretty much since the start . I feel totally inadequate , like me alone is simply not enough to get him off
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (14 April 2018):
 If you want to argue this out with me. Get an account and send a private message.
A
male
reader, liddel +, writes (14 April 2018):
It's not that uncommon a fantasy as you can read in this article. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201602/what-secret-male-sexual-fantasy-is-surprisingly-commonA quote from the article states, "As so many other authors, Ley agrees that wife-sharing fantasies are quite common. In fact, in some respects, they’re so prevalent as to be almost normative."You're not sixteen, you're 36-40 years old. At that age, it's unlikely you've never thought about being with someone other than your husband or boyfriend. You've likely masturbated to something steamy, either an actor or a romance novel that excited you. That didn't mean that your husband or boyfriend you were with at the time didn't excite you or you didn't love them, you just used your mind and created a different sexy scenario. Fantasies are harmless and frankly, we all have our kinks. Those that say they don't are usually lying or in complete denial. He has some idea that turns him on. Obviously, he has embraced this. He could be having sex with you and imagining himself doing your sister, or one of your friends or someone at work. Instead, you're in the middle of his fantasy, but their is another guy helping to do the drilling.So, it's a fairly common fantasy and he has opened himself up and shared this with you. That took a lot of courage. Women claim they want closeness and openness from their men and then they complain when they find what really is going through the mind. Instead of having your feelings hurt because your husband has a common fantasy, on occasion, try to play to his fantasy. That doesn't mean you have to have sex with another man but you could use your sex talk in that direction. Let him know beforehand that it won't be all the time, but on occasion. All is not equal in the bedroom. Never has been or ever will be. On an average month, my wife will give me oral about 60 seconds total. Yet, every time we have sex and sometimes even when we don't, I give her oral to one or two orgasms. While I do love doing that for her, in a perfect world, she would spend a bit more time giving me oral sex. I'm not bitter over it, it's just how our sex has evolved. If we watch a romantic movie, there's a good chance that Matthew McConaughey or some other actor is in her head during sex. That's someone that "turns her on" and that's fine with me because I have my own sexual triggers. Life is like that.That's my $00.02
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2018): No, FA, stereotypes don't solve individual situations. But they do go a long way in explaining behaviours or actions. In our minds, as women, men ARE supposed to not want to share us or think about sharing us with other men. Also, it's biological and evolutionary. Primitive man needs to know the seed is theirs, so it's their off spring.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 April 2018):
an auntie writes, "guys are supposed to . . ."
This is the hallmark of the thinking that is causing the OP so much pain.
Stereotypes don't solve individual problems.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2018): He is wired that way and it will be almost impossible to change him. As somebody else said, perhaps you can do some roleplaying.
You shouldn't feel inadequate-- this is his fantasy, not his reaction to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2018): Like the last posters answer. It hurts us women. Why? Cause guys are supposed to feel jealous and possessive of us when they love us. They would never think of sharing us if they really loved us. Makes us feel like an object. If they keep at it, the risk is high they will lose us. Cause his fantasy is a turn off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): An empty road, I would not advise doing it, It destroys something deep inside. All these scenarios are practically scripted, tried and tested, with the same results. Do you wanna be the next fool who looses her soul in a quest for nothing?
There's more to life than sex.
If it ain't enough, both may as well just move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): It is exactly opposite of what you think. Actually it is him who thinks he is inadequate for you. You need to tell him that you are fully satisfied with him and you dont want anyone else beside him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): Sometimes something you get pleasure from loses it's potency and ability to bring satisfaction; that's when you may start to overdose on it, or keep seeking other ways to get that fix.
Maybe your husband might need to go a little easy on his porn-indulgence; and use his imagination and sexual-creativity in other ways. There is also fun in role-playing.
If he wishes you to be with other men, maybe the inadequacy is more his than yours. I think he's being persistent; because you resist, and he's stone-cold intent on making his fantasies real.
Most relationships are damaged when they start including other people sexually. Trust dissolves, boundaries disappear; and there is the possibility of meeting someone else and catching feelings. Especially when your own husband makes you feel pressured and inadequate.
You shouldn't feel inadequate. Your husband is too absorbed into his fantasies; and he's also being a bully. Persistently pressuring you until he figures you'll give-in.
Sex-addicts indulging in alternative sexual-lifestyles and fetishism; often loves a partner in-crime. Objectifying their own partners or spouses into characters or actors, to play-out live sex-scenes for their pleasure.
What matters is how this all makes you feel about him and your marriage? Does it cause you a lot of sorrow and pain?
If it goes against your nature, morals, and personal-values; stand your ground. It may be time to see a therapist. He may be forming a sexual-addiction.
Not everyone is cutout for the countless new-age off-the-wall sex-fads; and not everybody feels compelled to change the established traditions of marriage. Just to fulfill some compulsion or something dreamed-up in somebody's brain. Even if it makes you want to wretch-up your guts!
Nor should we who object, be demonized or ostracized for sticking to the time-proven notion that what's not broken, don't need to be fixed. There's nothing wrong with kinky, unless it goes totally over the top! Where hell do you draw the line? Sorry buddy, but risking my health and sanity is not on the menu for your sexual-delight! Reset and reboot, dude!
Sex can be creative without including Lottie, Dottie, and everybody! Maybe he needs to see a sex-therapist to understand his needs beyond what husbands normally should want from a wife. You're not a sex-worker or porn-actor. Having sex with other men with your husband watching is just too much for compromise! Unless that's your thing!
You decided to marry him; because that's the one and only man you want to be intimate with. Not to mention the more he gets the more he'll want. It's starts-off with this, and you don't even want to know where it might end!
Sometimes sex-addiction is just like addiction to a narcotic. It takes more to get high, and the need to get the sustained euphoria of the original high takes even more of the substance over time. Too much just ain't enough!
I think the answer remains no. Seek professional help together. If that's not good enough; then perhaps your marriage is seriously in trouble. This isn't what you signed up for; and just because a lot of people line-up to advocate this weird and wild stuff, doesn't make it right for you.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 April 2018):
I want to focus on this question, "Does this mean I'm not exciting enough to him on my own(?)" snip "I feel totally inadequate."
Cuckolding fantasy is not about your inadequacy. It is about his. It is not because he wants more FROM you. It is because he feels he should be giving you more. He feels that he doesn't deserve you. Like many submissive fantasies it is about surrendering control.
Why does he need it? Why does it work for him? It is a very strong emotion, it is very taboo. If you gave in it would ruin it. Keeping it taboo helps him enjoy the fantasy. But what is the emotion he is chasing? it could be pain, or humiliation, or surrender, or who knows. In order to replace this fantasy with something you are more comfortable with you will need to discover what the emotion he is seeking is.
My advice:
Never bring a third person into a relationship. Very few people can handle it.
Take your own turn. Not every sexual opportunity should be about his fantasy.
Find an acceptable gift he can give you.
Stop feeling inadequate, He's not just crazy, he's crazy over you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Kate  +, writes (9 April 2018):
 I think most men and a lot of women have some secret sexual fantasy or other. For most people it never gets past a thought but for some the urge to make it a reality can become all consuming and this in turn can affect the balance of an otherwise happy relationship.
With the internet, its not that hard to research most fantasies and if your bloke has spoken to other men who have actually cuckolded their spouse for real, it's probably going to start him thinking he wants this too.
You need to have a talk with him, remind him that he may be focussing on his fantasy but that the two of you actually live in the real world and that you have no desire to sleep with another man. Tell him it's making you feel inadequate and that you feel he needs to be honest about what he really wants.
Perhaps there are other things you can both try that dont involve other people, but can spice up your sex life and bring a new dimention to your relationship.
I think most people with these weird ideas delude themselves and think it's all readily available out there and that they can just go get it, but they are often shocked at just how seedy some of these things can be and it's enough to make them go running back to the security of their relationship. He needs to be looking at the bigger picture and realise he is potentially causing harm to your union. He needs to decide what he values most!
If it's affecting his orgasm, then maybe you can create a little role play together without actually having a third person there but that will take a bit of creativity and imagination. Either way, I doubt he's going to forget it easily.
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