A
female
age
36-40,
*cyEar
writes:MOD NOTE: DUE TO ITS LENGTH YOUR QUESTION IS DIFFICULT TO READ, COULD YOU PLEASE USE PARAGRAPHS.Dear Cupid:I am 36 yrs old who was happily married to her best friend since the last six years. I was pregnant last year but miscarried, and that traumatic experience has cast a long shadow upon me. At about the same time as I miscarried, one of my senior students (25/m) (let's call him Pete) began to pursue me, initially academically and casually. Once he was out of school, though, he began to visit me. By then, my husband had moved to a different city for work. Pete and I hung out a bit along with other people and one evening, after everyone had left and Pete had stayed to help clean up, we ended up kissing. I couldn't believe the level of attraction I felt for this man. We didn't do more than kissing that evening and in the many months afterwards, Pete and I began spending a lot of time with each other -- over phone, chat, and in person. He, however, has had anxiety issues in the past and I didn't want to rush into anything esp. since I was battling my own extra-marital conscience. One day, we tried to have P-in-V sex but he had ED and couldn't finish. He fingered me to climax and I loved the intimacy and love he offered. Another day he visited me really early in the morning, and told me he had fantasized all night about me and had been aroused all night. He took the first bus to reach my place. We fooled around but by then, blue balls struck! He was in agony, but we were both laughing and just hung out that day, until he was able to move about and go home. Once he got home, we chatted and he started telling me that he thinks he is asexual, that he can be aroused but climaxing is hard for him. I was shattered, tbh. With my husband, sex has always been a major issue (I have a higher libido than he, and have basically never orgasmed without fingering; and of late, he has, perhaps due to age and some waning fitness, been even more unwilling to show sexual intimacy) and I cannot believe that the man I have fallen in love with also has sexual issues. That said, I love Pete and I love my husband and in my non-monogamous but cheating mind, I don't feel guilt or shame. Pete is conflicted, I think, and in so many other things, he knows his mind, and initially, he disliked the stealth of our relationship, but when I stayed away from him, he himself pursued me. But after the asexuality-epiphany, he has become truly distant, I think. He and I still hung out a great deal, but all the kissing or bodily intimacy has stopped. In one of our phone chats, he said he intended to be platonic with me. I told him, I can't accept that esp since we spend so much time talking in a day with each other. I asked for space and it's been two weeks when we have barely talked to each other. I stay off social media entirely because I know he checks for my presence there. We still use the heart-emoticon on chat sometimes, but everything is strained and I am completely heart-broken. I have no idea how he feels but this has now been a 10-month relationship. Initially, I thought it was an infatuation (on both our parts) but do infatuations last this long? My husband has no idea of this but he does know I have been sad and miserable. I do not know if the miscarriage threw open something inside me: I have always been the cautious, pragmatic sort, so it is doubly astonishing to me to be swept into this kind of a whirlwind love. I read a Murakami story recently where something like this happens to a woman and it struck me that Murakami had somehow hit the nail on the head re. the unprecedented quality of the upheaval in my life. But life isn't literature, and I am now struggling to come out of my love for Pete and find my moorings in my marriage. I don't intend to tell my husband, so I am afraid the hypocrisy will stay with me. But I can't also begin to forget Pete, esp. since I know he is also thinking about me. Our "space" seems punitive in all senses, but it is also the right thing -- I want him to spend time with people his age but, in my mind, I am also petrified that the asexuality thing was a ruse to avoid me and he will fall for another woman. I don't know how to stop self-blaming: Pete asked me once what I saw in our future and I told him that any dreams of a future together had to first be his. He needed to forge his career and become independent and if life still had me in his life, we would weigh our options then. I had hoped to spend my present with him. But perhaps that scared him? He has not had any gfs during grad school (I know this for certain) and had briefly dated a girl once in undergrad (who dumped him). His body language is reticent and alpha, so he's not very expressive, but I do know that he loves me although the social structure of love mandates monogamy and marriage, things I can neither offer him at this point, nor is he interested in himself. In the meantime, my husband is still my best friend and I adore him and want to protect him from all harm, but it is true that I love two men in my life right now. But Pete cannot love me back in the way I want him to. To a religious imagination, there seems to be a sweet poetic justice in this triangle, but I am neither religious nor socially conformist. I only want to not hurt people I love and respect, but if my husband were to find out some day, I would be honest with him and leave the decision of staying with me or not up to him. I have no question to you other than the hope that you can help clarify my understanding of this storm that whips my heart. I can't speak to anyone around me because I will receive the familiar judgement that falls upon adulterous women (even though there was no sexual intercourse per se). I am miserable for being away from Pete, and miserable because I cannot find in my husband any more the kind of love I seek. The baby I could have had is gone and I cannot be a mother any more for medical reasons. How do I live out the next few months, Cupid? How do I put back together this broken heart? Thank you, in advance.
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best friend, fingering, kissing, libido, love two, orgasm Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2018): i think truly the best thing to do at this point is to talk to your husband, you say he is your best friend and love and see how you 2 deal with your issue of the lost child and love for another man
because tbh he needs to know too
how would you feel seeing your husband sad all the time with no reason why?
as for pete well time heals all wounds right?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2018): You got excitement that was naughty and you loved the thrill. You sound like you lack it with your husband and after being with him many years the excitement has died down. Forget pete , hes only really shown you what you lack in your marriage. Spice up things with your husband , tell him you want things like they were when you first met. If he questions you tell him you feel youre lacking the spicy intimacy and want it back . Be daring and do things with him. Remember why you fell in love with him and married him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2018): You are looking for a solution but not all problems have one.
In this case you forget Pete.
You stick with hubby and do not start another affair.
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